It’s me. I’m the problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a problem. Are you able to help pay for the cost of a nanny? If you can help in that way, great. If you can't, that's okay too. It isn't your responsibility to provide full time childcare. The only way I would feel badly is if you had recently committed to providing childcare and now you are changing your mind.

OP here: Our kids are in their 30s and 40s and are much wealthier than we are so money is not an issue. They both have significantly higher pressure jobs and both WFH. They want/need a daycare situation.

Say NO. You can't keep up with what a nanny can do, you're too old. You're not the nanny. They need to hire a nanny, and when nanny calls out or is on vacation, grandma can be a back up.

This. If they can’t hire a nanny then they can find daycare or one parent can quit their job. If you wanted to pay for a nanny while they are waiting for a daycare spot, that would be nice of you, but it’s not required.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness. You are not the problem at all.

Very few people know (almost none?) have had grandparents who provide anything approaching full time child care. I don’t think that is a normal expectation at all.

I’m not sure if you are local to the grandchildren (maybe I did not read carefully enough). But most local grandparents seem to help a bit, sure- babysitting for the occasional evening or pick up older kids after school here and there - NOT provide full time childcare. And that is only IF they are able to do so and offer.

You are being very hard on yourself. Grandparents are not typically expected to provide regular/long term childcare.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not the problem at all. It sounds like you’ve been giving and loving, and will continue to be so. You need to be really clear with your ACs, tell them that you’re slowing down and not able to do what you did before. Keep emphasizing that your love hasn’t changed, but your capacity has.

I am a caboose baby. My mother was still quite young, fit, and healthy when I had my first. I was a bit stung when she told me that she would not babysit for me the way she had for my brothers (extensively, regularly). That she would always help in emergencies and would babysit sometimes. She explained that this wasn’t a reflection of her love for me, but that she had been taking care of children FOREVER, and she wanted free time, spontaneity, and more time for her personal passions. It is great when family can pitch in, but grandparents are people with needs too! No one is entitled to full time grandparent care.

[Anonymous]

I know having kids later means my parents miss out on active grand parenting. I’m grateful for any time they get together. Since they, like most people, had to work into their sixties, they couldn’t have done childcare either. I’m sure your family is grateful for your time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not the problem at all. It sounds like you’ve been giving and loving, and will continue to be so. You need to be really clear with your ACs, tell them that you’re slowing down and not able to do what you did before. Keep emphasizing that your love hasn’t changed, but your capacity has.

I am a caboose baby. My mother was still quite young, fit, and healthy when I had my first. I was a bit stung when she told me that she would not babysit for me the way she had for my brothers (extensively, regularly). That she would always help in emergencies and would babysit sometimes. She explained that this wasn’t a reflection of her love for me, but that she had been taking care of children FOREVER, and she wanted free time, spontaneity, and more time for her personal passions. It is great when family can pitch in, but grandparents are people with needs too! No one is entitled to full time grandparent care.

If I provided 10s of thousands of dollars worth of free childcare for one or more of my children but was unable or unwilling to offer the same to the other child at a later date I would at minimum do my utmost to try to even it out in my will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandchildren are the greatest joy in my life. I push through significant health issues to spend quality time with them, but I’m getting older and it’s getting harder and harder. I will say I’m very respectful of my adult children and their parenting style and the joy I get seeing them as parents is immeasurable. It is not easy to raise little humans these days and that’s an understatement
But I’m exhausted. I don’t eat well when I’m at their homes. Understandably, their food choices are in deference to very hectic schedules. I don’t get enough sleep and I have come to realize I’m not strong enough to be the grandma I once was and want to still be.
I do and have talked to my adult kids but they don’t get it. I don’t think it’s selfish but rather can’t acknowledge that grandma and grandpa are aging. They can’t (won’t) fathom the concept that we are probably not going to be alive as long as we all thought we would be.
I realize….we need to cut back and focus on ourselves. But…..
One of our adult children has a newborn and need to go back to work. With parents not vaccinating kids it’s very scary to put a 4 month old in daycare but the reality is the grandparents are too fragile to take on the job of daycare.
I’m just so sad.

You raised yours, they ran se theirs. Great when you can help out but you can't provide free regular childcare. Lets be honest, taking care of little kids is a tough and 70% of the time boring job. That's the reason most moms and dads don't want to do it themselves, even though they aren't old or weak. Do what you can and don't worry about when you can't. Its not you, its life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know having kids later means my parents miss out on active grand parenting. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know having kids later means my parents miss out on active grand parenting. .

Have kids when you are ready for parenting. Not to avail free childcare.

[Anonymous]

You are not the problem. We have this issue in our family and we struggle to find ways for grandparents and kids to connect. When they were younger bored games were great, coking with them was fun, but now they are all teens and active. They love video games (grandparents could never play even when they were 40) or being active outside, but grandparents have trouble walking. We try to invite them to all kids activities, performances, sports ect because they can sit and watch the kids. Meals together are always good too.

[Anonymous]

What are your kids cooking that make you exhausted?

[Anonymous]

The OP has not told us exactly what her child is asking for, just that she is tired and doesn’t like the food at their house. Be specific please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP has not told us exactly what her child is asking for, just that she is tired and doesn’t like the food at their house. Be specific please.

And that her grandkids are her greatest joy. What does she like to do for herself and what's her plan when the grandkids outgrow the baby/childhood phase.

[Anonymous]

Communicate clearly about what you are willing and not willing to do.

All school year my mom gushes about how she can't wait to host "Camp Grandma" at her house for a week or two over the summer. And every year when it comes time to set the weeks, she decides she's not physically capable of keeping up with 2 kids for a week. Which is fine! But I hate that she lies to me, to my kids, and to herself for 10 months of the year and sets all of us up for disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not the problem. We have this issue in our family and we struggle to find ways for grandparents and kids to connect. When they were younger bored games were great, coking with them was fun, but now they are all teens and active. They love video games (grandparents could never play even when they were 40) or being active outside, but grandparents have trouble walking. We try to invite them to all kids activities, performances, sports ect because they can sit and watch the kids. Meals together are always good too.

Be proud you are taking the time and effort to do your best - many don't.

There is another way to look at situations this: How about the teen kids try and do something the grandparents like and are able to do? That way grandparents aren't stuck in a spectator mode.

Literally, many grandparents are reduced to being on sidelines but not much else. With a little imagination, there are other things teens/grandparents can do together even if it's something as "old fashioned" as going out to a movie with them, learning how to do some craft/hobby, etc.

This is a good time for teens to learn compassion and meeting elderly where they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents story doesn't add up either OP. Assuming they claim they are afraid of unvaxxed kids at daycare. Ask daycare if they require vaccination record. Ours did in Tysons. This sounds like an excuse if this is their claim.

OP is talking about a 4 month old. The first measles vax isn't until age 1, with the second at age 4. The infant room will have unvaxxed kids in it, even if the daycare requires vaccination.

Sounds like there are more issues here, but the vaccination fear isn't unfounded.