DD planning to have first child

[Anonymous]

Who cares what other people think? What matters is what the parents to be think. If she has her ducks in a row and wants to start trying, its her decision.

It seems young because of changing noms but biologically not early at all. Also its not a given that she'll become pregnant as soon as she starts trying.

As a parent, your job is to support her decision as long as she understands that its a life altering decision, has a college degree, a job, some savings and a solid partner.

Isn't it better to be young grandparents who are fun to be around, instead of becoming geriatric grandparents to be visited in nursing homes only.

[Anonymous]

Do they have a stable, lead-free place to live?
Do they have the means to pay for daycare?
Do they have reasonably patient personalities and the readiness to give up a spontaneous life for a while?

Some people might answer yes to these questions at a young age, some will not be able to answer yes until they are older,, and some will never have these things

[Anonymous]

My sister had her kids at 27 and 29. I had my kids at 38, 40, and 43. I can see upsides and downsides to each pattern.

(fWIW I didn’t I tend to have kids so late. We started trying at 30 and it took until 38 to be successful with IVF and we got lucky with our other frozen embryos.)

My sister definitely has an easier life now that we are in our 50s. Her youngest is out of college and I have a Kindergartner. She has been able to transition to a different and easier career because she just has to coast to retirement at this point and I have many years of kid expenses still before me.


What is interesting to me is that she is only two years older than me, but she feels like an elderly aunt to my kids. Her life has the rhythms of a person much older than me, so she seems much older. She is healthy and active but just has a middle aged life. My life is busier and I have to stay in a younger mindset because our family is still in the building phase.

I wouldn’t choose those 8 years of infertility because they were horrible, but the upside is that I am 50 and still have a lot of family life to look forward to. My sister is now looking back on things already finished. That is one upside of being an older parent.

But, if your daughter is ready now, she should go for it. She might end up like me and be an older parent anyway. You don’t always get to choose and you make the best of whatever situation you end up with.

[Anonymous]

As someone who had kids in their mid 20s and mid 30s, it was easier for me to “bounce back” the first go around. I hate that term but I lost pregnancy weight faster and had an easier delivery even though it was my first. I also just had more energy then. It’s a personal decision, people will judge no matter what. It’s not like she’s having a baby in her teenage years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister had her kids at 27 and 29. I had my kids at 38, 40, and 43. I can see upsides and downsides to each pattern.

(fWIW I didn’t I tend to have kids so late. We started trying at 30 and it took until 38 to be successful with IVF and we got lucky with our other frozen embryos.)

My sister definitely has an easier life now that we are in our 50s. Her youngest is out of college and I have a Kindergartner. She has been able to transition to a different and easier career because she just has to coast to retirement at this point and I have many years of kid expenses still before me.


What is interesting to me is that she is only two years older than me, but she feels like an elderly aunt to my kids. Her life has the rhythms of a person much older than me, so she seems much older. She is healthy and active but just has a middle aged life. My life is busier and I have to stay in a younger mindset because our family is still in the building phase.

I wouldn’t choose those 8 years of infertility because they were horrible, but the upside is that I am 50 and still have a lot of family life to look forward to. My sister is now looking back on things already finished. That is one upside of being an older parent.

But, if your daughter is ready now, she should go for it. She might end up like me and be an older parent anyway. You don’t always get to choose and you make the best of whatever situation you end up with.

Curious: does your sister actually feel this way, or is it how you see her? Like, is she feeling like she is "looking back on things she has already finshed" and her life is behind her, or is she able to sleep past 6am, drink coffee at a leisurely pace, take on hobbies, travel, cultivate adult relationships with her kids, and slow down and maybe enjoying it but to you it looks boring and slow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister had her kids at 27 and 29. I had my kids at 38, 40, and 43. I can see upsides and downsides to each pattern.

(fWIW I didn’t I tend to have kids so late. We started trying at 30 and it took until 38 to be successful with IVF and we got lucky with our other frozen embryos.)

My sister definitely has an easier life now that we are in our 50s. Her youngest is out of college and I have a Kindergartner. She has been able to transition to a different and easier career because she just has to coast to retirement at this point and I have many years of kid expenses still before me.


What is interesting to me is that she is only two years older than me, but she feels like an elderly aunt to my kids. Her life has the rhythms of a person much older than me, so she seems much older. She is healthy and active but just has a middle aged life. My life is busier and I have to stay in a younger mindset because our family is still in the building phase.

I wouldn’t choose those 8 years of infertility because they were horrible, but the upside is that I am 50 and still have a lot of family life to look forward to. My sister is now looking back on things already finished. That is one upside of being an older parent.

But, if your daughter is ready now, she should go for it. She might end up like me and be an older parent anyway. You don’t always get to choose and you make the best of whatever situation you end up with.

Yes, but your sister can be an involved/active grandma down the road. You’ll be too old.

[Anonymous]

Pros and cons either way.

I had mine at 29 and 32. Young in our circles, but not really young.
I didn’t make enough money to make daycare worthwhile until the kids were 2 and 5. It was a bumpy few years. My mom, who talked big about helping with the babies, didn’t actually feel like it when the time came. The other moms in my community either had husbands who made enough for them to SAH comfortably, or they made enough to afford high quality child care. I was the odd one out who couldn’t afford daycare and my husband was an immigrant and did not make that much money, so we lived in some questionable places.

However, things got better and by the time my kids were both in ES, I hit my stride in my career. When I was 38, many of my same-age coworkers were leaning out to have babies, but I was leaning in with the knowledge that I would be able to keep leaning in. Now I am 45 with teens who will be heading to college soon. I will be hitting retirement age just as my kids (with luck) start having their own families, and I will be able to be an active, involved grandma. And if I find out I’m not really able to be very hands on, at least I will be able to help them with things like down payments and college funds and other things my parents did not help with.

It was rough for a few years but I’m glad I had mine “young”. Later on I might not have gotten pregnant so easily. And I would have been more tired.

If OP’s daughter has better financial circumstances than I did, I really don’t see the downside.

[Anonymous]

Lol, only in America would someone think at 28, they’re too young to have children.

[Anonymous]

I find the thread weird.

I live in Upper NW DC with an 18 year old and the parents' of my kids range from 45-55 with probably a median age of 49.

So, mothers had kids from 27 to 37 with a median age of 31. That of course means there are more parents from 27-31 than from 32-37.

[Anonymous]

I think it is the perfect age. I had my kids when I was 27 and 29. Now they are in college and I get to have lots of fun while feeling young and healthy. Plus, our kids had many, many years of great experiences with "younger" grandparents who are now in their mid-late 70s and definitely slowing down.

[Anonymous]

She's not too young. I didn't meet my husband until I was 31 and we didn't get married until I was 34. We have two kids now and they're the kids I was meant to have, but the second required ART and we'll be on the cusp of retirement when he heads off to college. If you have found the right partner, 26 is a great age to start a family. But I wouldn't rush to be a parent while your eggs are "fresh" if it means settling for a crappy husband/baby daddy/father for your kids, or if it means SMBC while you're still hoping to get married some day.

[Anonymous]

I had my kids at 27 and 30. I think that was a great age -- when they are off to college I'll be 48. I can't imagine having a kindergartner then! Or even now at 43.

Even if not fertility, the whole reproductive system gets weird for many people when you hit 40. I had babies super easily (got pregnant the first month we removed the goalie both times) but just had to have a full hysterectomy at 43. If I waited until 40 it could have been a mess. I've been growing huge fibroid babies the last few years, I can't imagine adding a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister had her kids at 27 and 29. I had my kids at 38, 40, and 43. I can see upsides and downsides to each pattern.

(fWIW I didn’t I tend to have kids so late. We started trying at 30 and it took until 38 to be successful with IVF and we got lucky with our other frozen embryos.)

My sister definitely has an easier life now that we are in our 50s. Her youngest is out of college and I have a Kindergartner. She has been able to transition to a different and easier career because she just has to coast to retirement at this point and I have many years of kid expenses still before me.


What is interesting to me is that she is only two years older than me, but she feels like an elderly aunt to my kids. Her life has the rhythms of a person much older than me, so she seems much older. She is healthy and active but just has a middle aged life. My life is busier and I have to stay in a younger mindset because our family is still in the building phase.

I wouldn’t choose those 8 years of infertility because they were horrible, but the upside is that I am 50 and still have a lot of family life to look forward to. My sister is now looking back on things already finished. That is one upside of being an older parent.

But, if your daughter is ready now, she should go for it. She might end up like me and be an older parent anyway. You don’t always get to choose and you make the best of whatever situation you end up with.

Elderly aunt? really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Peak fertility is in a womans 20s and is also linked to lower risk of genetic disorders. Older fathers is linked to autism. It’s also said that having a baby in your 20s is “easier” on your body / easier to “bounce back from”. These are all the points my daughter who is 26 and wants to have a child by 28 makes. We are financially very secure and she is engaged /
will be married by then to a great partner for her. My question is- do you think socially / in this area that having your first kid by 28 is too young to have your first these days? I feel like I just got through parenthood myself!

All of her points are correct.

This is not about you and your feelings, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think if DD is
- educated,
- has a stable and sane career,
- has a good stable partner in a committed marriage who is on the same page as her
- financially able
- have a support system
- and will not have FOMO of single life and want to be parents --- then they should have the kid.

Anyone after 25, I do not consider too young if they meet the above criteria.