​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?

[Anonymous]

This has got to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Most women like men who are engaged in activities, such as golf and music, but they don't care so much how good they are. If he want to learn golf and music - or bridge or calligraphy or whatever - then he should. It's OK to be a beginner, especially at 26!

[Anonymous]

If you offered fo get him a package of music lessons for his next birthday would he take them?

[Anonymous]

My older teen pulled this. They wished we had pushed them to keep up with their instrument. They conveniently forgot how much we fought over practicing and how we strongly encouraged them to keep it up and they chose to quit.

Sounds like your kid has “grass is greener” symptoms and it’s not up to you to fix his feelings. Ivy degree and good job? He’s young and can pick up a million hobbies. He’s blaming his unhappiness on you, you did nothing wrong. 😑

[Anonymous]

I was a “quitter” when I was younger. Later I blamed my parents for not making me stick with things. But I realized that ultimately it was my low self esteem that prevented me from more fully engaging in activities and sports, due to social anxiety and having an underlying feeling that I did not deserve success or to have what I wanted. And now I blame my parents, particularly my mother, for that extremely low self esteem.

Now, as a parent I think the key is being able to recognize when the kid truly does not want to do the activity versus they are going through a rough time due to mental health issues or being tired from school or having to wake up too early for middle school or whatever. My son went through a few years at that age where it was often difficult to get him to go to swim practice. He was legitimately very tired while going through growth spurts and just slept whenever he had the chance, as reflected in his freshman grades. After getting over that hump, he now eagerly goes to his practices and looks forward to meets. He truly loves swimming. I knew he really did which is why I spent the effort prodding him during the difficult years, and now it is paying off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't adults yet, but just reflecting on music. I asked both my kids to try an instrument and both did so happily at first.

The older one chose piano. She's quite good at it, but hates to practice. I've been encouraging her to continue (now in 6th grade) even if she doesn't practice a ton. She plays a bit every day and I call that a win. She does enjoy music and playing, just not practicing, which I don't think is that unusual for 11 yo.

The younger one chose violin. She played for 2 years and practiced daily. She didn't hate it at first, but by the end of the first year she was pretty unhappy. We switched teachers and tried again. She was really terrible at it (even with daily practice and trying her best) AND hated every bit of it. She got no joy out of playing. Ever. I let her quit with zero remorse.

I'm sure some would let my older one quit and others would push the younger one to continue. I've tried to follow their strengths and separate out whether they dislike playing altogether or just practicing. I guess I'll see how they feels as adults.

I find it hard to believe then when a kid is offered any instrument choice to play, that they would pick the violin. Any time I hear parents say their kid chose the violin, often it was between a violin an oboe and a French Horn...not literally any instrument that exists. Often times those parents are prejudiced against pop music instruments.

Sometimes you have to go with your gut and realize that very few kids actually want to play the violin if they could literally choose anything, and suggest an instrument that someone would likely play for fun as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most women like men who are engaged in activities, such as golf and music, but they don't care so much how good they are. If he want to learn golf and music - or bridge or calligraphy or whatever - then he should. It's OK to be a beginner, especially at 26!

Women like men who are good with music and golf. They do not like beginner golfers or musicians. FWIW, I work in a corporate environment with a golf team, and they only pick experience golfers. Beginner golfers are not invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't adults yet, but just reflecting on music. I asked both my kids to try an instrument and both did so happily at first.

The older one chose piano. She's quite good at it, but hates to practice. I've been encouraging her to continue (now in 6th grade) even if she doesn't practice a ton. She plays a bit every day and I call that a win. She does enjoy music and playing, just not practicing, which I don't think is that unusual for 11 yo.

The younger one chose violin. She played for 2 years and practiced daily. She didn't hate it at first, but by the end of the first year she was pretty unhappy. We switched teachers and tried again. She was really terrible at it (even with daily practice and trying her best) AND hated every bit of it. She got no joy out of playing. Ever. I let her quit with zero remorse.

I'm sure some would let my older one quit and others would push the younger one to continue. I've tried to follow their strengths and separate out whether they dislike playing altogether or just practicing. I guess I'll see how they feels as adults.

I find it hard to believe then when a kid is offered any instrument choice to play, that they would pick the violin. Any time I hear parents say their kid chose the violin, often it was between a violin an oboe and a French Horn...not literally any instrument that exists. Often times those parents are prejudiced against pop music instruments.

Sometimes you have to go with your gut and realize that very few kids actually want to play the violin if they could literally choose anything, and suggest an instrument that someone would likely play for fun as an adult.

She was too little for a wind instrument at the time she started, so the options were strings or piano and her sister already played piano.

Her first teacher actually specialized in fiddle and did a combination of classical and fiddle music. He played lots of fun songs and events professionally and even taught her Baby Shark.

The second teacher loves pop music and plays violin backup on weekends to a T Swift impersonator. She'd write simple riffs and rhythms from T Swift songs for my daughter to try at lessons. Not stodgy. I wasn't going for Carnegie Hall, but a happy kid.

I really tried my best to find good fits and make it fun. The younger one could still choose a wind instrument next year in elementary school when they start band, so that's still an option, though I don't think she wants to try.

Just for reference, my older one is currently learning Popular from Wicked on piano. Her selection. I certainly don't push classical music, though their teachers usually slip some in here and there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a “quitter” when I was younger. Later I blamed my parents for not making me stick with things. But I realized that ultimately it was my low self esteem that prevented me from more fully engaging in activities and sports, due to social anxiety and having an underlying feeling that I did not deserve success or to have what I wanted. And now I blame my parents, particularly my mother, for that extremely low self esteem.

Now, as a parent I think the key is being able to recognize when the kid truly does not want to do the activity versus they are going through a rough time due to mental health issues or being tired from school or having to wake up too early for middle school or whatever. My son went through a few years at that age where it was often difficult to get him to go to swim practice. He was legitimately very tired while going through growth spurts and just slept whenever he had the chance, as reflected in his freshman grades. After getting over that hump, he now eagerly goes to his practices and looks forward to meets. He truly loves swimming. I knew he really did which is why I spent the effort prodding him during the difficult years, and now it is paying off.

What did your mother do to lower your self esteem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't adults yet, but just reflecting on music. I asked both my kids to try an instrument and both did so happily at first.

The older one chose piano. She's quite good at it, but hates to practice. I've been encouraging her to continue (now in 6th grade) even if she doesn't practice a ton. She plays a bit every day and I call that a win. She does enjoy music and playing, just not practicing, which I don't think is that unusual for 11 yo.

The younger one chose violin. She played for 2 years and practiced daily. She didn't hate it at first, but by the end of the first year she was pretty unhappy. We switched teachers and tried again. She was really terrible at it (even with daily practice and trying her best) AND hated every bit of it. She got no joy out of playing. Ever. I let her quit with zero remorse.

I'm sure some would let my older one quit and others would push the younger one to continue. I've tried to follow their strengths and separate out whether they dislike playing altogether or just practicing. I guess I'll see how they feels as adults.

I find it hard to believe then when a kid is offered any instrument choice to play, that they would pick the violin. Any time I hear parents say their kid chose the violin, often it was between a violin an oboe and a French Horn...not literally any instrument that exists. Often times those parents are prejudiced against pop music instruments.

Sometimes you have to go with your gut and realize that very few kids actually want to play the violin if they could literally choose anything, and suggest an instrument that someone would likely play for fun as an adult.

She was too little for a wind instrument at the time she started, so the options were strings or piano and her sister already played piano.

Her first teacher actually specialized in fiddle and did a combination of classical and fiddle music. He played lots of fun songs and events professionally and even taught her Baby Shark.

The second teacher loves pop music and plays violin backup on weekends to a T Swift impersonator. She'd write simple riffs and rhythms from T Swift songs for my daughter to try at lessons. Not stodgy. I wasn't going for Carnegie Hall, but a happy kid.

I really tried my best to find good fits and make it fun. The younger one could still choose a wind instrument next year in elementary school when they start band, so that's still an option, though I don't think she wants to try.

Just for reference, my older one is currently learning Popular from Wicked on piano. Her selection. I certainly don't push classical music, though their teachers usually slip some in here and there.

Guitar would have been the obvious choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most women like men who are engaged in activities, such as golf and music, but they don't care so much how good they are. If he want to learn golf and music - or bridge or calligraphy or whatever - then he should. It's OK to be a beginner, especially at 26!

Women like men who are good with music and golf. They do not like beginner golfers or musicians. FWIW, I work in a corporate environment with a golf team, and they only pick experience golfers. Beginner golfers are not invited.

This is insane…most women hate men that play golf since they complain all the time about how they are gone all weekend playing golf…and then they also watch golf on TV all the time.

Also…not sure what is meant by a “good” musician…I guess good enough to play in a garage band.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You pushed the pushable one and you can’t forever push someone with a high level of resistance. I have a kid who isn’t very persistent or stable in his interests. I get tired of pushing him.
You should tell your son you tried but he kept resisting so he is the one to blame for his own boringness. If he wants to learn golf he should spend some of his big paycheck on private lessons. What a whiner!

+1 I have one of each and my non push able DD16 now plays no sports or instruments. We have given up pushing her since it gets nowhere. I can imagine one day her questioning why we didn’t push her more, which would be ridiculous.

PP you responded to. I hear ya! What do you think are her reasons for not wanting/quitting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You pushed the pushable one and you can’t forever push someone with a high level of resistance. I have a kid who isn’t very persistent or stable in his interests. I get tired of pushing him.
You should tell your son you tried but he kept resisting so he is the one to blame for his own boringness. If he wants to learn golf he should spend some of his big paycheck on private lessons. What a whiner!

+1 I have one of each and my non push able DD16 now plays no sports or instruments. We have given up pushing her since it gets nowhere. I can imagine one day her questioning why we didn’t push her more, which would be ridiculous.

PP you responded to. I hear ya! What do you think are her reasons for not wanting/quitting?

I’m the PP you quoted. She’s very much an introverted homebody, doesn’t socialize much and prefers being on her own. Loves to read and write which are very individual activities and totally up her alley.

[Anonymous]

I pushed my DS into sports and music. I didn't let him quit until after junior year of HS, and he only pushed back a little. Looking back, I wish I had pushed reading more instead, but I'm not sure he would have become an avid reader. I don't know what the right answer is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't adults yet, but just reflecting on music. I asked both my kids to try an instrument and both did so happily at first.

The older one chose piano. She's quite good at it, but hates to practice. I've been encouraging her to continue (now in 6th grade) even if she doesn't practice a ton. She plays a bit every day and I call that a win. She does enjoy music and playing, just not practicing, which I don't think is that unusual for 11 yo.

The younger one chose violin. She played for 2 years and practiced daily. She didn't hate it at first, but by the end of the first year she was pretty unhappy. We switched teachers and tried again. She was really terrible at it (even with daily practice and trying her best) AND hated every bit of it. She got no joy out of playing. Ever. I let her quit with zero remorse.

I'm sure some would let my older one quit and others would push the younger one to continue. I've tried to follow their strengths and separate out whether they dislike playing altogether or just practicing. I guess I'll see how they feels as adults.

I find it hard to believe then when a kid is offered any instrument choice to play, that they would pick the violin. Any time I hear parents say their kid chose the violin, often it was between a violin an oboe and a French Horn...not literally any instrument that exists. Often times those parents are prejudiced against pop music instruments.

Sometimes you have to go with your gut and realize that very few kids actually want to play the violin if they could literally choose anything, and suggest an instrument that someone would likely play for fun as an adult.

She was too little for a wind instrument at the time she started, so the options were strings or piano and her sister already played piano.

Her first teacher actually specialized in fiddle and did a combination of classical and fiddle music. He played lots of fun songs and events professionally and even taught her Baby Shark.

The second teacher loves pop music and plays violin backup on weekends to a T Swift impersonator. She'd write simple riffs and rhythms from T Swift songs for my daughter to try at lessons. Not stodgy. I wasn't going for Carnegie Hall, but a happy kid.

I really tried my best to find good fits and make it fun. The younger one could still choose a wind instrument next year in elementary school when they start band, so that's still an option, though I don't think she wants to try.

Just for reference, my older one is currently learning Popular from Wicked on piano. Her selection. I certainly don't push classical music, though their teachers usually slip some in here and there.

Guitar would have been the obvious choice.

I'm not aware of teachers who do guitar with little kids. That's more upper elementary at the earliest. I'm sure there are exceptions, but it's not as common as piano or violin.