​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't adults yet, but just reflecting on music. I asked both my kids to try an instrument and both did so happily at first.

The older one chose piano. She's quite good at it, but hates to practice. I've been encouraging her to continue (now in 6th grade) even if she doesn't practice a ton. She plays a bit every day and I call that a win. She does enjoy music and playing, just not practicing, which I don't think is that unusual for 11 yo.

The younger one chose violin. She played for 2 years and practiced daily. She didn't hate it at first, but by the end of the first year she was pretty unhappy. We switched teachers and tried again. She was really terrible at it (even with daily practice and trying her best) AND hated every bit of it. She got no joy out of playing. Ever. I let her quit with zero remorse.

I'm sure some would let my older one quit and others would push the younger one to continue. I've tried to follow their strengths and separate out whether they dislike playing altogether or just practicing. I guess I'll see how they feels as adults.

I find it hard to believe then when a kid is offered any instrument choice to play, that they would pick the violin. Any time I hear parents say their kid chose the violin, often it was between a violin an oboe and a French Horn...not literally any instrument that exists. Often times those parents are prejudiced against pop music instruments.

Sometimes you have to go with your gut and realize that very few kids actually want to play the violin if they could literally choose anything, and suggest an instrument that someone would likely play for fun as an adult.

She was too little for a wind instrument at the time she started, so the options were strings or piano and her sister already played piano.

Her first teacher actually specialized in fiddle and did a combination of classical and fiddle music. He played lots of fun songs and events professionally and even taught her Baby Shark.

The second teacher loves pop music and plays violin backup on weekends to a T Swift impersonator. She'd write simple riffs and rhythms from T Swift songs for my daughter to try at lessons. Not stodgy. I wasn't going for Carnegie Hall, but a happy kid.

I really tried my best to find good fits and make it fun. The younger one could still choose a wind instrument next year in elementary school when they start band, so that's still an option, though I don't think she wants to try.

Just for reference, my older one is currently learning Popular from Wicked on piano. Her selection. I certainly don't push classical music, though their teachers usually slip some in here and there.

Guitar would have been the obvious choice.

I'm not aware of teachers who do guitar with little kids. That's more upper elementary at the earliest. I'm sure there are exceptions, but it's not as common as piano or violin.

My kid started guitar at 7. I literally just went to the music school down the street and off they went. Maybe I got lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't adults yet, but just reflecting on music. I asked both my kids to try an instrument and both did so happily at first.

The older one chose piano. She's quite good at it, but hates to practice. I've been encouraging her to continue (now in 6th grade) even if she doesn't practice a ton. She plays a bit every day and I call that a win. She does enjoy music and playing, just not practicing, which I don't think is that unusual for 11 yo.

The younger one chose violin. She played for 2 years and practiced daily. She didn't hate it at first, but by the end of the first year she was pretty unhappy. We switched teachers and tried again. She was really terrible at it (even with daily practice and trying her best) AND hated every bit of it. She got no joy out of playing. Ever. I let her quit with zero remorse.

I'm sure some would let my older one quit and others would push the younger one to continue. I've tried to follow their strengths and separate out whether they dislike playing altogether or just practicing. I guess I'll see how they feels as adults.

I find it hard to believe then when a kid is offered any instrument choice to play, that they would pick the violin. Any time I hear parents say their kid chose the violin, often it was between a violin an oboe and a French Horn...not literally any instrument that exists. Often times those parents are prejudiced against pop music instruments.

Sometimes you have to go with your gut and realize that very few kids actually want to play the violin if they could literally choose anything, and suggest an instrument that someone would likely play for fun as an adult.

She was too little for a wind instrument at the time she started, so the options were strings or piano and her sister already played piano.

Her first teacher actually specialized in fiddle and did a combination of classical and fiddle music. He played lots of fun songs and events professionally and even taught her Baby Shark.

The second teacher loves pop music and plays violin backup on weekends to a T Swift impersonator. She'd write simple riffs and rhythms from T Swift songs for my daughter to try at lessons. Not stodgy. I wasn't going for Carnegie Hall, but a happy kid.

I really tried my best to find good fits and make it fun. The younger one could still choose a wind instrument next year in elementary school when they start band, so that's still an option, though I don't think she wants to try.

Just for reference, my older one is currently learning Popular from Wicked on piano. Her selection. I certainly don't push classical music, though their teachers usually slip some in here and there.

Guitar would have been the obvious choice.

I'm not aware of teachers who do guitar with little kids. That's more upper elementary at the earliest. I'm sure there are exceptions, but it's not as common as piano or violin.

My kid started guitar at 7. I literally just went to the music school down the street and off they went. Maybe I got lucky.

Good for you?

[Anonymous]

You work with the child you have - you can’t mold them - you can only guide them. Kids need to know themselves to be successful and that may take years. We help them find their way - it’s not all on us. Some are late bloomers. It is never too late to play many sports, or instrument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old oldest son and I had a long conversation yesterday, and he told me that he wished that I would have pushed him much harder into music and sports activities when he was younger.

I put him to take piano and guitar at the age of six, golf at the age of six, and tennis at the age of seven. It was a constant struggle with him from the age of six until he turned eleven, because he said to me that he hated them. He was really into academics and fought me every step along the way. I gave up on him about music/sports at the age of eleven. He graduated from an Ivy and is making a lot of money; however, he feels like he doesn't have anything else in his life. He wants to learn music and golf, but it is going to take a long time for him to learn. His dating life, according to him, is not that great either because, according to him, women are looking for guys with other qualities besides bringing home a big paycheck.

On the other hand, his 24-year-old younger brother was the complete opposite. He also started piano, music, golf and tennis at the age of six, and he took them very seriously until he left for college. He never complained about pushing him to do those things. He went to a state school and made so many friends there. He makes good money but his life, according to him, is very good. He plays sports and music with friends on most weekdays and weekends, and he also has a very busy dating life with a lot of women to choose from. He attributes that to how he was pushed by me as a child, and now he is benefitting from it.

​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?

Our job as parents is to provide opportunities, resources, and support. The rest is up to them.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I had a dc say that to me too. I did push and it backfired.

[Anonymous]

Mine would never say that. He likes his chill lifestyle. A little too chill I'd say. I hope he gets his high school diploma.
He promised to be less chill going forward as we have to pay for college. Will see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old oldest son and I had a long conversation yesterday, and he told me that he wished that I would have pushed him much harder into music and sports activities when he was younger.

I put him to take piano and guitar at the age of six, golf at the age of six, and tennis at the age of seven. It was a constant struggle with him from the age of six until he turned eleven, because he said to me that he hated them. He was really into academics and fought me every step along the way. I gave up on him about music/sports at the age of eleven. He graduated from an Ivy and is making a lot of money; however, he feels like he doesn't have anything else in his life. He wants to learn music and golf, but it is going to take a long time for him to learn. His dating life, according to him, is not that great either because, according to him, women are looking for guys with other qualities besides bringing home a big paycheck.

On the other hand, his 24-year-old younger brother was the complete opposite. He also started piano, music, golf and tennis at the age of six, and he took them very seriously until he left for college. He never complained about pushing him to do those things. He went to a state school and made so many friends there. He makes good money but his life, according to him, is very good. He plays sports and music with friends on most weekdays and weekends, and he also has a very busy dating life with a lot of women to choose from. He attributes that to how he was pushed by me as a child, and now he is benefitting from it.

​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?[/quot

You should point out that it is never too late! He’s just out of college and has $$. He can learn all these things now and meet ppl in the process! It seems like one of your sons is more of a self starter and the other one needs to be hand held. They are different so tell him not to compare. He can push himself and needs to realize he has internal locus of control. Look at it as an adventure, not making up for lost time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most women like men who are engaged in activities, such as golf and music, but they don't care so much how good they are. If he want to learn golf and music - or bridge or calligraphy or whatever - then he should. It's OK to be a beginner, especially at 26!

Women like men who are good with music and golf. They do not like beginner golfers or musicians. FWIW, I work in a corporate environment with a golf team, and they only pick experience golfers. Beginner golfers are not invited.

GTFOH. Most women don’t give a sh*t about how good of a golfer you are. In fact, they don’t have a tolerance for guys who are golfing every weekend. Do you know what catnip an Ivy Leaguer who makes $$$ is? Self-confidence is the issue for this young man. Feeling vulnerable enough to suck at something before you get better is hard. But this is what your 20s are for!

[Anonymous]

Back to the subject at hand. Any advice for those of us going through this with kids/teens now? Would love to know what you would’ve done differently!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most women like men who are engaged in activities, such as golf and music, but they don't care so much how good they are. If he want to learn golf and music - or bridge or calligraphy or whatever - then he should. It's OK to be a beginner, especially at 26!

Women like men who are good with music and golf. They do not like beginner golfers or musicians. FWIW, I work in a corporate environment with a golf team, and they only pick experience golfers. Beginner golfers are not invited.

GTFOH. Most women don’t give a sh*t about how good of a golfer you are. In fact, they don’t have a tolerance for guys who are golfing every weekend. Do you know what catnip an Ivy Leaguer who makes $$$ is? Self-confidence is the issue for this young man. Feeling vulnerable enough to suck at something before you get better is hard. But this is what your 20s are for!

Women don't give a sh*t about how good of a golfer you are, but they do give a sh*t about the size of your wallet. 99% of the good golfers that I know are successful people.

Back to the topic at hand, I have two young boys and I am pushing really hard in both sports and music. I told them they can stop both after they turn 18. I hated it when my dad pushed me into sports and music when I was young but I am so grateful now for what he did now that I am an adult.

I am originally from China so I am the law, do everything I tell you to do until you turn 18. Otherwise, do not let the door hit you on the way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most women like men who are engaged in activities, such as golf and music, but they don't care so much how good they are. If he want to learn golf and music - or bridge or calligraphy or whatever - then he should. It's OK to be a beginner, especially at 26!

Women like men who are good with music and golf. They do not like beginner golfers or musicians. FWIW, I work in a corporate environment with a golf team, and they only pick experience golfers. Beginner golfers are not invited.

GTFOH. Most women don’t give a sh*t about how good of a golfer you are. In fact, they don’t have a tolerance for guys who are golfing every weekend. Do you know what catnip an Ivy Leaguer who makes $$$ is? Self-confidence is the issue for this young man. Feeling vulnerable enough to suck at something before you get better is hard. But this is what your 20s are for!

Women don't give a sh*t about how good of a golfer you are, but they do give a sh*t about the size of your wallet. 99% of the good golfers that I know are successful people.

Back to the topic at hand, I have two young boys and I am pushing really hard in both sports and music. I told them they can stop both after they turn 18. I hated it when my dad pushed me into sports and music when I was young but I am so grateful now for what he did now that I am an adult.

I am originally from China so I am the law, do everything I tell you to do until you turn 18. Otherwise, do not let the door hit you on the way out.

You are confusing cause and effect. Golf is an expensive sport and only 20% of all golfers can shoot better than a 90. The ones with more $$$s to start for the most part are the good golfers. Ironically, the poorest good golfers are the ones who try to go pro and don't make it and often end up working as the golf pro at the country club.

It's no different than saying that 99% of legitimately good skiers (defined as some form of racing metric) are also successful people...since it takes a ton of money and time to become legitimately "good".

[Anonymous]

The kid who guilts you for not pushing harder is trying to mask own regret for not sticking with something they now value.

[Anonymous]

He should just pay for lessons or classes or whatever now. Plenty of women appreciate someone who wants to keep learning skills as an adult. Sometimes I feel similarly about wishing my parents would have pushed harder, but I know I would have fought them and we would have all been miserable. I’ve taken some of the art and instrumental lessons as an adult, and many of my friends took up ceramics or tennis as adults (mid 20d to early 30s) because there wasn’t money for those things growing up. It sounds like he is looking for someone to blame for why his life isn’t the way he wants it to be rather than taking initiative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you pushed them, they'll resent that, if you didn't , they'll resent that. You can't win because finding the right balance isn't 100% in your hands.

+1. Too many teens are looking for someone to lane, instead of owning their behavior and decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every child is different. But, they have to grow up into complete and confident adults who have to manage their personal life, professional life and health at all times. Regardless of what kind of introvert/extrovert personality they have.

I think your eldest child may be depressed or lonely. He needs therapy to figure out what he wants out of life. I would suggest that he starts giving back to the world and find a passion project or cause.

Yes. Therapy and some perspective to understand choices and entitlement and the world would be useful too.