​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old oldest son and I had a long conversation yesterday, and he told me that he wished that I would have pushed him much harder into music and sports activities when he was younger.

I put him to take piano and guitar at the age of six, golf at the age of six, and tennis at the age of seven. It was a constant struggle with him from the age of six until he turned eleven, because he said to me that he hated them. He was really into academics and fought me every step along the way. I gave up on him about music/sports at the age of eleven. He graduated from an Ivy and is making a lot of money; however, he feels like he doesn't have anything else in his life. He wants to learn music and golf, but it is going to take a long time for him to learn. His dating life, according to him, is not that great either because, according to him, women are looking for guys with other qualities besides bringing home a big paycheck.

On the other hand, his 24-year-old younger brother was the complete opposite. He also started piano, music, golf and tennis at the age of six, and he took them very seriously until he left for college. He never complained about pushing him to do those things. He went to a state school and made so many friends there. He makes good money but his life, according to him, is very good. He plays sports and music with friends on most weekdays and weekends, and he also has a very busy dating life with a lot of women to choose from. He attributes that to how he was pushed by me as a child, and now he is benefitting from it.

​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?

You exposed him to a wide variety of things and respected his autonomy in choosing not to continue. I studied classical piano from 5-16 and I don’t think it really made much of a difference in my life one way or the other. I didn’t even get a piano of my own until my mid 30s.

That said it sounds like reading between the lines he is having trouble dating because he has nothing to talk about? There’s no reason he can’t learn an instrument or golf as an adult. I took up tennis again in my thirties and am now quite good. And I was inspired to do so because one of my grandparents took it up when they moved to a retirement community. There’s no time like the present to learn something new!

[Anonymous]

Parents grossly overestimate their role in lives of kids older than 15.

[Anonymous]

We required each of our kids to participate in a sports team. We just kind of set it as an early expectation, and they went along with it.

(Also, in private school, they require the kids to participate in sports teams. That was really helpful, as kids saw it just as an expectation. Everyone is capable of doing some kind of sports team (absent a disability). For example, cross-country is something everyone can do. (If a kid is overweight, that is the fault of the parents, 100 percent.)

My parents did not require my brother and me to do anything at all. My brother chose music/theater, and I chose sports/cheerleading. The one regret that my brother has is that he always thought of himself as a "music/theater kid," and not a sports kid. Even to this day (in his 50's), he seems to have an aversion to any type of sports (like it's only for jocks). He'll exercise, but associates sports with "cool" kids, which is unfortunate. I think that sports are for everyone.

[Anonymous]

A 26 year old is still very young. Obviously he's not going pro but he can still become very good. Why is he catastrophizing and putting his locus of control externally (on you)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 26 year old is still very young. Obviously he's not going pro but he can still become very good. Why is he catastrophizing and putting his locus of control externally (on you)?

There are things in life that are very difficult, if not almost impossible, to become very good after you turn 18. I started playing golf at the age of 26, after settling into my job, when I had enough money to play on a regular basis. Despite twenty years of regular lessons, many hours on the range, and twice a week on the golf course, I am nowhere where I want to be. In other words, I suck. Things would have turned out much different had I started golf at the age of five or six. Btw, having a lot of money and an Ivy degree is not going to get you a date. Unless you want to date single mothers and women with a lot of student loan debt, you need to have other hobbies that make a woman find you interesting.

[Anonymous]

Ok, you suck at golf. Maybe if you started at 5/6 you would've sucked less, or maybe you would've hated the amount of time and focus it requires to be elite at anything, who knows. Part of growing up is realizing not everything in life is a competition and things can be enjoyed for their own sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old oldest son and I had a long conversation yesterday, and he told me that he wished that I would have pushed him much harder into music and sports activities when he was younger.

I put him to take piano and guitar at the age of six, golf at the age of six, and tennis at the age of seven. It was a constant struggle with him from the age of six until he turned eleven, because he said to me that he hated them. He was really into academics and fought me every step along the way. I gave up on him about music/sports at the age of eleven. He graduated from an Ivy and is making a lot of money; however, he feels like he doesn't have anything else in his life. He wants to learn music and golf, but it is going to take a long time for him to learn. His dating life, according to him, is not that great either because, according to him, women are looking for guys with other qualities besides bringing home a big paycheck.

On the other hand, his 24-year-old younger brother was the complete opposite. He also started piano, music, golf and tennis at the age of six, and he took them very seriously until he left for college. He never complained about pushing him to do those things. He went to a state school and made so many friends there. He makes good money but his life, according to him, is very good. He plays sports and music with friends on most weekdays and weekends, and he also has a very busy dating life with a lot of women to choose from. He attributes that to how he was pushed by me as a child, and now he is benefitting from it.

​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?

Our children should set the pace. The only reason to intervene would be underperformance in core educational areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you pushed them, they'll resent that, if you didn't , they'll resent that. You can't win because finding the right balance isn't 100% in your hands.

100%

He can learn these things at any time. Engage, learn, enjoy. It's not on you. Please don't pick up his blame on this. Let it roll off.

[Anonymous]

I kinda want to smack him for you.

[Anonymous]

He can always start now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can always start now!

It is not the same thing as starting something at the age of five.

[Anonymous]

No, I have zero regrets. I didn't push my kids to do anything.

Now, oldest kid looks back and says they wished they had eaten more protein in high school so they would have done better as an athlete. They took ownership of not eating in a way that supported their athleticism and now they want to do better. This is growth!

Back then, I did encourage them to eat differently and in a way that was better for their sports goals. In the end, all I can do is suggest and educate. I can not place the tuna or beef in their mouth and make them chew.

This can be a metaphor for many things we think our kids should do. They are fully capable of learning on their own.

Your child is taking a victim posture, it seems. That casts you into the persecutor in Karpman's triangle.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

[Anonymous]

Your older son sounds like a complainer- why is he making you feel bad?! At his age he should be saying, my god, mom, I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time about sports and music, I really wish I’d stuck with it! If he can’t find a girl because he can’t… play the guitar? Ick. Have his younger brother slap some sense into him, and/or tell him you’re sorry but you’re not going to feel bad!

[Anonymous]

No. Mental health issues. If I pushed harder DC would have folded like a bad poker hand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old oldest son and I had a long conversation yesterday, and he told me that he wished that I would have pushed him much harder into music and sports activities when he was younger.

I put him to take piano and guitar at the age of six, golf at the age of six, and tennis at the age of seven. It was a constant struggle with him from the age of six until he turned eleven, because he said to me that he hated them. He was really into academics and fought me every step along the way. I gave up on him about music/sports at the age of eleven. He graduated from an Ivy and is making a lot of money; however, he feels like he doesn't have anything else in his life. He wants to learn music and golf, but it is going to take a long time for him to learn. His dating life, according to him, is not that great either because, according to him, women are looking for guys with other qualities besides bringing home a big paycheck.

On the other hand, his 24-year-old younger brother was the complete opposite. He also started piano, music, golf and tennis at the age of six, and he took them very seriously until he left for college. He never complained about pushing him to do those things. He went to a state school and made so many friends there. He makes good money but his life, according to him, is very good. He plays sports and music with friends on most weekdays and weekends, and he also has a very busy dating life with a lot of women to choose from. He attributes that to how he was pushed by me as a child, and now he is benefitting from it.

​Do you regret not pushing your kid harder?

No, I do not. Tell your son who is complaining that it is HIS life now and he is responsible for HIS happiness.