Help with Parenting adult children

[Anonymous]

My adult sons had to learn the hard way. A few broken bones, scraped off skin, and a lot of stitches for them to get the point that an injury as an adult is does not heal or feel the same as an injury suffered as a child.

I've found by 21-22, they are over it, and on to safer practices.

I was however SUPER diligent and beyond preachy whenever they've been prescribed pain meds for such injuries.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Does he actually have a job, or is he 20 year old (an adult), but relies on his parent’s financial support? I wouldn’t support his adrenaline habit. He sounds entitled or maybe he is a blowhard and making up stories about his athletic choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My adult sons had to learn the hard way. A few broken bones, scraped off skin, and a lot of stitches for them to get the point that an injury as an adult is does not heal or feel the same as an injury suffered as a child.

I've found by 21-22, they are over it, and on to safer practices.

I was however SUPER diligent and beyond preachy whenever they've been prescribed pain meds for such injuries.

Good luck.

Same. Broken collar bone when young got us going in the right direction. Also, so much road rash from from mountain biking crashes, and he's seen friends get seriously injured. The kid is still an adrenaline junkie but has completed Avie 1 and 2 and is very knowledgeable about snow conditions, and wears a full-face helmet and back protector on a bike.

[Anonymous]

You need to back off, fully, immediately, and for good. Let's review some facts:

1) There is NOTHING you can do or say that will stop him from doing this. There's not! He's an adult. He's going to do what he's going to do. You've tried expressing your concern and he's blowing you off. Accept this reality: Whether you're "right" or not is not relevant. He's. Not. Going. To. Listen.

2) If he's rebelling against your cautious nature (or, ahem, penchant for lecturing), then by continuing to bring this up and express your concerns, you may very well worsen or lengthen this behavior. Yup. You can't make this better, but you just might make it worse.

3) What you absolutely can and will do with your actions and lectures is destroy your relationship with your son. This you can do easily and readily, and it sounds like you're already on that path. If you want a good relationship with your kid, you need to shut your trap. Complain to your husband, complain to your friends, journal, meditate, whatever you've gotta do, but vow right now that you'll never say a word to him about his personal safety again and protect your relationship with your kid, which is the one thing you DO have a say in right now.

4) Stop going on trips with him where he's going to take part in dangerous behavior! You need to accept it, but good lord, you don't need to fund it or stand there and watch it. Pick a different type of vacation!

[Anonymous]

I would explain calmly that if they die, part of me will die as well. And if they need advanced medical care for years because they've been in a coma, need rehab and never regain 100% functionality, they will place the entire family's financial wellbeing in jeopardy, because health aides and living without a job are bloody expensive - cite them an actual number. That there is a difference between receiving family help after surviving an accident that was not foreseeable, and receiving family help after surviving an accident that IS, and that you did not adequately prepare for. The latter will generate significant resentment, if it puts retirement plans and siblings plans on hold.

And then offer to buy them the gear posters have described.

Just because they're technically over 18 doesn't make them suddenly wise. You need to get through to them that they're are making highly irresponsible decisions right now. Also, they don't get to make family gatherings miserable just because they're angry at you. Do they have some sort of diagnosis, such as hyperactive ADHD, that explains some of their behavior? If so, are they taking their meds? Is this a mania phase of bipolar disorder?

I have a 20 year old son who listens to me, but he's always been the slow, reflective kind. I would definitely butt heads with someone like your kid, so I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

You can't make him stop. You can encourage him to have life and long term care insurance (or even get it for him in lieu of a gift) and to appoint a medical decision maker...you can all do medical PoAs and living wills. You can tell him what you will and won't do to help him if he's injured, and you can follow through on that. But if he's paying for it and he's an adult and he isn't breaking any laws, that's about all you can do.

[Anonymous]

You back off. Stop funding the activities. Grownups who want to make reckless choices can do it on their own dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would explain calmly that if they die, part of me will die as well. And if they need advanced medical care for years because they've been in a coma, need rehab and never regain 100% functionality, they will place the entire family's financial wellbeing in jeopardy, because health aides and living without a job are bloody expensive - cite them an actual number. That there is a difference between receiving family help after surviving an accident that was not foreseeable, and receiving family help after surviving an accident that IS, and that you did not adequately prepare for. The latter will generate significant resentment, if it puts retirement plans and siblings plans on hold.

And then offer to buy them the gear posters have described.

Just because they're technically over 18 doesn't make them suddenly wise. You need to get through to them that they're are making highly irresponsible decisions right now. Also, they don't get to make family gatherings miserable just because they're angry at you. Do they have some sort of diagnosis, such as hyperactive ADHD, that explains some of their behavior? If so, are they taking their meds? Is this a mania phase of bipolar disorder?

I have a 20 year old son who listens to me, but he's always been the slow, reflective kind. I would definitely butt heads with someone like your kid, so I feel for you.

Hyperactive ADHD kids are still adrenaline junkies when they are on their meds. Rather than fighting it, I got mine on the ski team, mountain biking lessons, skateboard camps, Avie training, and summer backpacking trips. They will do it anyway, so at least get them the right gear and training.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a brother much like your son. I learned that he probably had more skills than we recognized. I also learned that the way people learn to do these things is to just do them. But if that’s their personality, there’s not much you can do.

And I sympathize with you. I have a son who has a ridiculously dangerous job and nothing will ever do or say will result in him quitting. At this point I’m hoping the company goes bankrupt so he gets let go. Just kidding. Sort of.

[Anonymous]

Just tell him to make sure his life insurance is paid up, and that he needs to understand that he will go in a home if he gets incapacitated.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the ski area on him and if they refuse to sell him a lift pass, so be it. Stop paying for him to ski, and don't pay any medical expenses either.

You can get insurance for helicopter rescue costs. And disability insurance on someone his age might not be super costly.

[Anonymous]

If you haven't parented them properly for most of their lives, you cannot insert yourself in their lives now. Unless, you are funding them. Then you can turn off the spigot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I pay for skiing when we go as a family and we also fund all/most of the supplies/equipment purchases for activities. They pay for their other curriculars when they go on their own.

Well stop paying for it, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the cardinal rules of parenting adult children—shifting from a managerial role to a supportive one—but I’m really struggling with how to handle situations where my early 20s child is making risky, ill-informed decisions.
Some Examples: (1) Wanting to ski out of bounds in a potential avalanche zone alone, with no avalanche safety training or supplies other than a beacon and shovel. (2) Solo Hiking and camping with limited experience, no personal protection, and inadequate preparation for the weather. (3) Doing advanced skateboarding tricks (ramps, pools, jumps) but refusing to wear a helmet.
They seem sure that they know everything and get irritated when I bring up safety considerations. I get that they’re an adult, but it feels impossible to just stay silent and hope they don’t seriously hurt themselves. How do I navigate this in a way that respects their independence but also keeps them from making potentially life-threatening mistakes?

Find an ER physician or nurse who can talk to them with stories, facts and statistics so they can calculate risks involved with such behavior. Its not possible for a parent to knock any more sense into adult kids.

Lol! I'm the one that suggested the courses and traveled to Algeria. One of my dearest friends of over 20 is an ER doctor specializing in high risk zones. He is literally the riskiest person I know. A few years ago he fell while climbing El Cap and got a traumatic brain injury (I'm sure you can find it in the papers). It took him a long time to get back to practicing medicine unsupervised. Afterwards he said his goal was to finish the climb. Some people never learn. And I'm not sure talking to an ER doctor will do the trick for these guys. It might actually inspire them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to back off, fully, immediately, and for good. Let's review some facts:

1) There is NOTHING you can do or say that will stop him from doing this. There's not! He's an adult. He's going to do what he's going to do. You've tried expressing your concern and he's blowing you off. Accept this reality: Whether you're "right" or not is not relevant. He's. Not. Going. To. Listen.

2) If he's rebelling against your cautious nature (or, ahem, penchant for lecturing), then by continuing to bring this up and express your concerns, you may very well worsen or lengthen this behavior. Yup. You can't make this better, but you just might make it worse.

3) What you absolutely can and will do with your actions and lectures is destroy your relationship with your son. This you can do easily and readily, and it sounds like you're already on that path. If you want a good relationship with your kid, you need to shut your trap. Complain to your husband, complain to your friends, journal, meditate, whatever you've gotta do, but vow right now that you'll never say a word to him about his personal safety again and protect your relationship with your kid, which is the one thing you DO have a say in right now.

4) Stop going on trips with him where he's going to take part in dangerous behavior! You need to accept it, but good lord, you don't need to fund it or stand there and watch it. Pick a different type of vacation!

+1
All this!