Marriage counseling. Does it work?

[Anonymous]

Nope. Don’t waste your time or money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Don’t waste your time or money.

No. Self/solo therapy does work
Who wants to watch their spouse rehash things from their extreme perspective. It’s annoying and perpetuates fights

[Anonymous]

Yes, helped tremendously and we are still going every other week -- almost as maintenance. I agree that both sides need to be committed to it for it to work. I do believe it saved my marriage after many years of hardships that we did not have the tools to deal with ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, helped tremendously and we are still going every other week -- almost as maintenance. I agree that both sides need to be committed to it for it to work. I do believe it saved my marriage after many years of hardships that we did not have the tools to deal with ourselves.

Could you elaborate on what helped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we did several rounds of therapy and I actually started studying to be a therapist because I was so fascinated by this field. Here's how you can make it work for you:

(1) Find a qualified therapist. This usually means someone who doesn't take insurance and costs well over $200/hour. Most therapists are NOT trained to treat couples...they just jump in without training, though treating couples is nothing like treating individuals.

Just as you would not go to a cardiologist for a stomach or brain issue, you need to ensure you find someone certified in a couple-specific modality.

There are also a lot of non-scientific modalities out there, so you want something research-based. EFT is the best one from my experience, but there are others (Gottman, Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy, etc)

(2) Clarify your definition of "works". Success does not always mean turn your marriage happy. It does mean clarity - understanding very clearly what you can expect from this marriage and making the right decision for you (to stay in it or not).

(3) You can't drag someone to therapy. There needs to be a baseline from both partners of "Our relationship is not working. One or both of us is unhappy. We can't fix it ourselves and would benefit from professional help." If you have different views of who's at fault and how to fix it, that's okay, as long as you both agree there is an issue and both want to make it better.

Couples therapy was transformational for us in terms of improving our connection, sex life, excitement about our marriage. We both feel our marriage is the best it has ever been now. I am so glad we didn't give up after the first couple of crappy therapists and invested a few thousand dollars into someone qualified.

Amazing post. Thank you for the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't help us with communication issues. Spouse think everything goes back to their childhood, and I'm like JFC, you are an adult, you make your own choices now and need to stop blaming mom and dad. And while my childhood wasn't perfect (is anyone's?), I don't have any deep trauma buried somewhere, and spouse has a hard time believing this.

We've tried a couple of different times over the years, 3 times, over 26 years, 3 different therapists. It has not worked to improve our communication

You've tried therapy three times and none of the three times helped with your communication or relationship with your spouse? What was the issue? Did one or both of you not agree with the therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't help us with communication issues. Spouse think everything goes back to their childhood, and I'm like JFC, you are an adult, you make your own choices now and need to stop blaming mom and dad. And while my childhood wasn't perfect (is anyone's?), I don't have any deep trauma buried somewhere, and spouse has a hard time believing this.

We've tried a couple of different times over the years, 3 times, over 26 years, 3 different therapists. It has not worked to improve our communication

Yeahhh... you're one of those. Even if you think "I'm an adult, I have moved on" guess what — your entire communication and relationship style and everything right down to why you chose your spouse is related to your family of origin. If you haven't examined this, processed it, and made changes, then you are the problem in your relationship. You don't need to have capital T Trauma to understand basic human psychology. Being part of a functional healthy relationship means you examine yourself and your behavior and motives deeply. Sounds like you're only ever interested in turning the page and staying comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking those who have actually been. Did it work? If yes, why? If not, why? Thanks.

Marriage counseling only works when y'all want to improve yourselves and your marriage not just fix each other. Also it works when problems are addressed early on, not after resentment and contempt has settled in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Don’t waste your time or money.

No. Self/solo therapy does work
Who wants to watch their spouse rehash things from their extreme perspective. It’s annoying and perpetuates fights

That is not what a good couples therapist does. A good therapist doesn't just let each person vent, attack, repeat criticism, etc. They would help you process the conflict so that you come away understanding each other's positions better, what triggers you, etc. Then they give you tools (and help you practice them!) to better work through the next conflict that arises.

The PP who stressed the need for specialized couples training was right on -- even great individual therapists can be terrible at working with couples. Ask potential therapists what specific training they have and how many hours their program was (60+ hours of Gottman vs a 1-hr generic continuing ed seminar), what percentage of their caseload is couples (you want someone who is doing this day in and day out, not casually), and how long couples usually stay with them (an average of 6 months is a good sign; much shorter suggests people drop out quickly and over a year suggests the therapist is not super effective - barring extreme cases of course). Don't worry too much about their specific license or even whether they are pre-licensed. You could have a PhD with 20 years of individual experience who is not as effective as a resident/supervisee who has done extensive couples training. The amount/type of training and how many couples they've worked with is your best gauge in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could someone recommend a good couples therapist?

We had an amazing experience with Betsy Tseronis at Kentlands Psychotherapy.

[Anonymous]

Most extremely serious relationship problems cannot be solved simply by talking. Adding a third talker to the equation doesn't address this key issue. Each individual in the relationship must take positive and concrete actions towards improvement.

[Anonymous]

Worked great but took about 8 months before we really saw the change. It’s not a quick fix and most people who say it doesn’t work either didn’t have a qualified therapist or didn’t stick with it long enough. Real behavior change takes time.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most extremely serious relationship problems cannot be solved simply by talking. Adding a third talker to the equation doesn't address this key issue. Each individual in the relationship must take positive and concrete actions towards improvement.

For us, adding the third talker catalyzed the actions we were unable to take on our own.

First, because we disagreed on the right actions.

Second, because we had so much resentment neither of us was willing to make a change.

Therapy made all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Only works when both parties want it to work and are willing to put in the effort. Usually, one is already checked out before you even get there.