Marriage counseling. Does it work?

[Anonymous]

Asking those who have actually been. Did it work? If yes, why? If not, why? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Depends on why you’re going, if it’s infidelity chances are the betrayal is something you won’t be able to get over but if it’s just minor communication style changes then counseling could work.

[Anonymous]

I didn't like it but it does help with communicating with spouse. Make sure to ask around for someone good.

[Anonymous]

For us, it did not work. My Ex wasn’t committed to it, arrived late for sessions or begged out as too busy. We ended marriage counseling after four months.

Unsurprisingly, we divorced several years later.

Both parties have to be committed to making it marriage counseling work. One person alone cannot save a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Was a waste of money big time. Spouse resented it and it made matters much worse. led to explosive anger after sessions. Did not prevent ultimate divorce.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by "work"? If you mean keeps people together no matter what, then no. If you mean people manage to communicate more effectively, and uncouple in a more graceful way -- sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Both partners need to be committed in order for it to work.

[Anonymous]

Yeesh! For us it was horrible but it may have been the therapist. She would get us all stirred up and then the session was over. We laugh about it now but at the time, it was absolutely miserable.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we did several rounds of therapy and I actually started studying to be a therapist because I was so fascinated by this field. Here's how you can make it work for you:

(1) Find a qualified therapist. This usually means someone who doesn't take insurance and costs well over $200/hour. Most therapists are NOT trained to treat couples...they just jump in without training, though treating couples is nothing like treating individuals.

Just as you would not go to a cardiologist for a stomach or brain issue, you need to ensure you find someone certified in a couple-specific modality.

There are also a lot of non-scientific modalities out there, so you want something research-based. EFT is the best one from my experience, but there are others (Gottman, Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy, etc)

(2) Clarify your definition of "works". Success does not always mean turn your marriage happy. It does mean clarity - understanding very clearly what you can expect from this marriage and making the right decision for you (to stay in it or not).

(3) You can't drag someone to therapy. There needs to be a baseline from both partners of "Our relationship is not working. One or both of us is unhappy. We can't fix it ourselves and would benefit from professional help." If you have different views of who's at fault and how to fix it, that's okay, as long as you both agree there is an issue and both want to make it better.

Couples therapy was transformational for us in terms of improving our connection, sex life, excitement about our marriage. We both feel our marriage is the best it has ever been now. I am so glad we didn't give up after the first couple of crappy therapists and invested a few thousand dollars into someone qualified.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, it depends why you are going and how willing both partners are to really listen and try to change. My DH and I started going to couples therapy about 15 years into our marriage which was fine, largely sexless, but stable. We cared about each other but didn’t know how to be there for each other or how to properly communicate when there were issues. We both had baggage form our childhoods. We are still working on our communication but our marriage is stronger than it ever was and I regret that we “wasted” so many years and were so passive aggressive with each other when we could have been happier. Still grateful though that we have had a chance to do better, for ourselves and our kids. The tension and stress in our home has definitely diminished. Not to say everything is perfect, far from it but without counseling we would never have improved our communication. For us it has been a gift.

[Anonymous]

Could someone recommend a good couples therapist?

[Anonymous]

It didn't help us. The couples therapist actually discharged us -- said DH had too much individual work to do and wasn't ready to participate in couples therapy. Maybe someday we can try again.

[Anonymous]

For us, it was great. But we went to try to figure out how to function when we got a whammy of a kid diagnosis that changed the trajectory of our lives. We went for five or six sessions.

We also do marriage enrichment stuff through church which focuses on communication skills. We have done it for 18 years. We love it.

[Anonymous]

Didn't help us with communication issues. Spouse think everything goes back to their childhood, and I'm like JFC, you are an adult, you make your own choices now and need to stop blaming mom and dad. And while my childhood wasn't perfect (is anyone's?), I don't have any deep trauma buried somewhere, and spouse has a hard time believing this.

We've tried a couple of different times over the years, 3 times, over 26 years, 3 different therapists. It has not worked to improve our communication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on why you’re going, if it’s infidelity chances are the betrayal is something you won’t be able to get over but if it’s just minor communication style changes then counseling could work.

I agree. If it’s infidelity, don’t waste your money. IC for each of you would be the most helpful.