Sister in her late 40s won’t date

[Anonymous]

So what? If something happened to DH or we got divorced, I would never date or marry again. I prefer my own company and making decisions all by myself. I can’t imagine small talk, dating and meeting some new guy’s parents.

Plus if she’s late 40s she’s limited to 40s men—likely divorced duds saddled with kids and ex-wives. Nope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older people I meet who don’t date/never married seem very fussy and particular. I think they prefer life alone and not having to share. Not how I’d like to live personally, but some people are like that.

This has been my observation as well. They tend to have some antisocial tendencies, isolatory hobbies, unrealistic standards for dating in one's 40s (as if they're still a young college student), low agreeability, etc.

OP said her sister is not overweight, but didn't say she was conventionally attractive. I wonder if she has any unpleasant features like a big nose, broad shoulders, lanky height, no endowment, etc. that lead to her feeling very self-conscious about dating?

OP also mention her having a social job and some friends, but I wonder if she's socially active outside her work and friend circles. She may be a bit awkward in that area and not meeting new people. Perhaps she likes it that way.

It'd help if we knew a little more about her, but even then, there's probably nothing OP can do to change her way of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are more trouble than they are worth. I don't blame her.

The wrong ones are. My DH is great.

Sure, maybe or you have a high tolerance for pain.

[Anonymous]

Something is wrong with YOU. Not her.

I got married due to pressure in my 30s. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

I wish I had stayed single. I am notw 47, living a life I did not ever want. I did not want kids. I have two. I am divorced. Coparenting sucks. I wish to God I had stayed single.

I am done with men. I stopped dating despite men age 28 to 55 are interested. Men are nothing but trouble. Most don't bring any benefits and take, take, take.

There is nothign wrong with her. She likes living alone and being single and not having to compromise for a man. What she has done is way better than what I did...marrying when I really did not want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And has had only one real relationship I know of. I think she gave up on dating about 15 years ago when this one relationship tanked after a year. She’s not overweight, she dresses well, she owns her own condo, has a good job and a few interesting hobbies. She has a handful of friends from high school and work, and her high school friends include her even in their family activities when possible, but no one ever tried to set her up with someone.

She spends quite a lot of time with our parents and pretty much travels with them whenever possible. I imagine that has impacted her dating life as her weekends are often spent back in her childhood home going out to dinner with elderly mom and dad. She’s very interested in my kids, her nieces and a nephew, and she’s a great aunt, but I wish she had put some more effort into cultivating a good relationship for her own sake. I do know that in her 20s she had been pretty lazy about dating, even blowing off two guys who seemed nice and very interested in her at one point because she just couldn’t get herself together to follow through on meeting them.

She’s not gay, I’m pretty sure, so I don’t think that’s the issue. I do wonder if she just shut down all prospects and is content with being a devoted daughter. I wish she’d give herself a chance— I don’t think all hope is lost for her as she’s an interesting person and has a job that requires plenty of socializing. But let’s face it, our parents aren’t going to live forever, nieces and nephews grow up and leave and find their own lives, and friends decide to move away or lose touch.

If you or someone you know gave up on finding a relationship, what led you there? Did you deliberately decide you want to be alone? Did your friends ever try to set you up with anyone and did you tell them not to? She’s a nice person, not combative or unstable, so I don’t get it.

Oh no, a woman who has decided to be completely self-actualized! Quick, call in the marriage police! There is absolutely nothing wrong with your sister, let her live her life. It's incredibly narrow-minded to think that she can only ever truly be happy as part of a couple. It's not for everyone and she seems like she's doing great.

[Anonymous]

I know three women who are single in their 40s and 50s. Only one of them is trying to date. They actually all seem pretty happy. They have the money to do what they want, travel whenever they want, have lots of friends, etc.

While I’m glad to be married and have kids, their lifestyle also seems quite appealing. I think it is bizarre that you are so focused on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And has had only one real relationship I know of. I think she gave up on dating about 15 years ago when this one relationship tanked after a year. She’s not overweight, she dresses well, she owns her own condo, has a good job and a few interesting hobbies. She has a handful of friends from high school and work, and her high school friends include her even in their family activities when possible, but no one ever tried to set her up with someone.

She spends quite a lot of time with our parents and pretty much travels with them whenever possible. I imagine that has impacted her dating life as her weekends are often spent back in her childhood home going out to dinner with elderly mom and dad. She’s very interested in my kids, her nieces and a nephew, and she’s a great aunt, but I wish she had put some more effort into cultivating a good relationship for her own sake. I do know that in her 20s she had been pretty lazy about dating, even blowing off two guys who seemed nice and very interested in her at one point because she just couldn’t get herself together to follow through on meeting them.

She’s not gay, I’m pretty sure, so I don’t think that’s the issue. I do wonder if she just shut down all prospects and is content with being a devoted daughter. I wish she’d give herself a chance— I don’t think all hope is lost for her as she’s an interesting person and has a job that requires plenty of socializing. But let’s face it, our parents aren’t going to live forever, nieces and nephews grow up and leave and find their own lives, and friends decide to move away or lose touch.

If you or someone you know gave up on finding a relationship, what led you there? Did you deliberately decide you want to be alone? Did your friends ever try to set you up with anyone and did you tell them not to? She’s a nice person, not combative or unstable, so I don’t get it.

Oh no, a woman who has decided to be completely self-actualized! Quick, call in the marriage police! There is absolutely nothing wrong with your sister, let her live her life. It's incredibly narrow-minded to think that she can only ever truly be happy as part of a couple. It's not for everyone and she seems like she's doing great.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older people I meet who don’t date/never married seem very fussy and particular. I think they prefer life alone and not having to share. Not how I’d like to live personally, but some people are like that.

+1 it’s REALLY hard to give that up as time goes on. You give up a lot of freedom if you move in with someone/get married. People get used to a certain type of lifestyle and don’t want to change.

[Anonymous]

If you ever know or ever meet someone who you think would be a good match, then ask her if she's interested in being introduced. If she says no, then ask her if she's interested in any introductions. Whatever her answers to those questions, accept them.

And she might be private. I didn't tell my family about my now-husband until close to a year after we started dating.

[Anonymous]

I hear a lot of "I" here- I wish, I imagine, etc. Nothing in the post about her asking you for advice, or even complaining about her situation, she actually seems quite content. Too often we get caught up in what we'd like or what we think is right, without considering that another person may not have the same view, wants, or needs. This seems to be one of the situations.. Be happy for her, don't silently (or in this case not so silently), judge her choices.

[Anonymous]

She could be asexual. This describes me almost exactly.

I never dated in high school because I never felt the desire. I had one relationship with a man later in college that lasted about 1.5 years and ended after graduation. Looking back, I believe it was a relationship of convenience and kindred spirits. I have my suspicions that he may have been gay, but we've lost touch and he's not on social media that I can find. I told myself that I loved him, but it was purely forced on my part. Mimicking behavior I had seen from my siblings and peers.

I spent most of my 20s feeling pretty broken. I went on a few dates at the urging of friends, but I never wanted to date or felt any romantic or sexual connections. I enjoyed a few men as friends but that's it. I finally got a bit too tipsy at a Christmas party and confessed how I felt broken to a friend who asked me if I ever considered that maybe I was gay. I honestly hadn't considered it. She suggested I speak to a therapist, so I did. My therapist suggested I try dating women since I was open to the idea, so I did. It was fine but not for me. Again, I felt no desire to go on dates or any romantic feelings for those I dated multiple times. My therapist brought up the idea of asexuality and once I started researching it, BOOM! That was me. I remember tears rolling down my cheeks because for the first time I didn't feel like a broken human.

I'm a very happy 40-something who is objectively good looking with a good job and my own home. I have lots of friends and adore all my nieces and nephews. I've since had several long-term relationships with other asexual men I met through various groups. I'm open to marriage if I find a compatible partner, but it's not a priority for me. If I had to rate my life on a 1-10 scale, I'd honestly say I'm a 9 in terms of happiness. To many outside of my bubble I probably look sad and lonely, I suppose, but that's ok. I'm happy and those around me who care about me know that as well.

[Anonymous]

You probably don’t know her as well as you think you do.

[Anonymous]

You are projecting your values onto her.

Studies show single women are the happiest, then married men (because they have a woman tending to them).

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend like this. We’ve been friends for over 20 years. I consider her like a sister.

I get that she’s not actually my sister but I know her very well.

She has confided in me for decades about things that she didn’t feel comfortable telling her family.

It turns out she is attracted to women. She only disclosed this to me after she started a relationship with a woman. She is very religious and was afraid to tell her family. Her brother had come out to them a few years before when he moved in with his boyfriend and her parents did not react well.

Now I’m not saying that’s everyone. Some people are asexual. For years my friend thought she was.

Her own dishonesty with herself made her difficult to be friends with before she came out to me. She asked me to lunch just us and told me. I never shared that with any of our mutual friends.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care? She sounds happy!

Mind your own business.