nature vs nurture
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Anonymous
There's a difference between helping someone develop habits and give someone tools to use. I often say that people confuse the nature and nurture debate. I'm the pp with a dysfunction childhood. I have a kid who has learning disabilities. You bet I'm gonna give him tutoring to help him academically succeed as much as possible. However, I can only provide the skills and opportunity, he has to accept them. Providing is nurture. Your choices is nature. I am going to provide as much as possible always for those who I parent, manage at work, etc. but that's where nurture stops. Nature is about ability and desire. That's something you can't change. You can develop talent, you can't create talent. As someone who believes in nature over nurture, the above illustrates what that looks like. |
Anonymous
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I was pro nurture and then I had kids. My two boys challenged my preconceived notions and I am now nature, nature, nature.
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Anonymous
Your spouse must be GORGEOUS |
Anonymous
I like the idea of the margins. Looking at my (mostly) grown children, I think nurture is generally queen, but at extremes we have influence with abusive or extraordinarily sensitive parenting. The other thing that makes such a difference is money. If you are born into money your opportunities and experiences in life are so different than the limits people without that privilege experience. |
Anonymous
| As a parent and a teacher, yes I believe it’s primarily nature. But it’s our job to introduce them to the world and see what they shine at. We can’t have “a plan” for them. |
Anonymous
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It’s both. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
My tween was adopted as a baby. She has 2 bio siblings. Bio mom has adhd, she has adhd, bio brother has adhd. My kid is getting help, supports, accommodations. Bio brother is not getting the same supports because of the family situation. He is already in trouble for assault and criminal behavior. It will be interesting to see what the bio siblings all end up doing as adults. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Definitely nature. I've yet to meet a parent who says, "my children are all so much alike". |
Anonymous
You said your kids have average IQs and don’t do well in school. It’s not their IQs that’s in their way. Honor rolls and colleges are made up of kids with average IQs. Did you try and push them into AP classes or other classes instead of the ones that were best for them? Plus you weren’t the only one contributing to their DNA so why would you assume they would be just like you? DNA and how it’s distributed is still not all figured out. |
Anonymous
Did you get one of them tutoring and not get the other one tutoring? Assuming they grew up in the same home and took similar classes this would suggest nature as much as nurture. I personally believe it is a mix with parents often reinforcing traits that they share with their children. I also think many of us have spouse’s with similar traits and intelligence, so certain traits can get reinforced through that process. Never count your kids out though. Everyone has their own journey. |
Anonymous
| Ah, the sweet realization that your carefully curated parenting strategies are basically like trying to steer a cargo ship with a pool noodle. Why bother? Let’s face it, they’re either going to thrive because of their nature or despite us. Might as well just buy popcorn, sit back, and watch the inevitable genetic rerun unfold. All this effort, and at best, we’re just mildly influencing their Spotify Wrapped. |
Anonymous
That's basically what I do. I think it's absolutely ridiculous to force kids into "sports MWF, music Tu Th, excel in all academics" when adults don't even do that. If you look at most adults: - "sports" tends to be going to the gym when you have the time, maybe 1-2 times a week, and playing a sports game with friends on the weekends maybe 1-2 times a month. - "music" is having a guitar and noodling around on it here and there, learning the songs you enjoy or just getting together with friends to jam - "excel" at work is finding the 1-2 things you're really good at and enjoy, and focusing exclusively on those - our interests change throughout our seasons and lives, and that's okay. I do more "sports" in the summer and "music" in the winter. The activities I pick change depending on life circumstances (like "sports" being more walks and exercises at the playground when I have small kids, vs the intense Crossfit workouts I used to do). My career has changed probably 5 times because I lose interest and want a new challenge. What it looks like for my kids: - They're signed up for a sport but I really don't care if we go or not. Sometimes they want to go 4-5 days a week. Sometimes they need a couple weeks off. Sometimes they want to try something new. Sometimes for exercise we just do the playground every day. I trust they know what their bodies and minds need. - Music is more of a group activity (which is what it's supposed to be for humans, anyway. The whole "sit alone and practice" thing is NOT a natural way to learn!). We play music at home all the time, go to shows, have a bunch of kid's instruments they can mess around with, sing together, etc. - I'm a dancer, so I do a ton of dance and gymnastics at home. Kids watch me and participate when they want to, leave when they don't. There's zero pressure, but they do pick up dance and gymnastics skills. - My ADHD DD hates academics, so we find other things she enjoys. She started a business and makes decent money from it, and those are skills that will actually help her in real life. It teaches her executive functioning skills in a different way, because while I help her with her business, I don't do it for her. And there's very tangible consequences - if she makes more money, it's rewarding, if she loses money, she learns she needs to change something. Plus there's SO much nurture beyond your control. My parents pushed me to be a veterinarian, which I was on track to do. Then in college I took a yoga class, fell in love, and became a yoga teacher instead (which then set me on a path to a few other careers). |
Anonymous
| This is so apparent to me with kids eating preferences as well. I know so so many families (including my own) where there is one kids who eats everything and one or more that is the pickiest eater ever. Growing up in the same house with the same presentation of food choices. And you will have the parents that tell you it’s your fault that your kid is picky. Those same parents typically have one kid and just got lucky. For the record it was our first kid who eats everything 🙂. |
Anonymous
| I know one family who adopted a baby. They knew the baby’s biological parents were classical musicians playing in one of the European symphonies. They started music for her when she was about ten and it took off immediately. She also played professionally. Her adoptive parents had her in the best schools and they were Ivy League graduates. She hated school and was a B/C student. They accepted who she was and didn’t try to make her what they wanted her to be. |
Anonymous
That sentiment is too reductive and binary to be useful. Of course nature is a powerfull influence on a child’s development. Someone with terrible eye hand coordination is never going to be a great baseball player but maybe track is for them etc. most parents just want there kids to have happy productive lives- there’s a million ways to get there. |