Low effort teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are smart and athletic kids. Everything comes to them easily BUT they do not put forth maximum effort, ever. As a result, my dd is a decent runner only, despite having the potential to be a fantastic runner. She shows up to practice, does her thing, but doesn't push herself. She gives it 70%. It's the same thing with school: getting them to take any APs is like pulling teeth, and they so far refused the hard ones, despite doing very well in the APs they do take. They know it is going to affect college, we have pushed, explained and got nowhere. They just don't want to work hard. Do you think this is just personality or that I should push them harder even?

So even if she gave it more effort and became a fantastic runner, where would that get her? Do you think she could get an athletic scholarship out of it? If not, what's the point in pushing herself?

[Anonymous]

Choose where to push and where not to. At some point they have to grow up and deal with the consequences of their decisions. Sometimes life has to intervene and while it may be frustrating regarding college outcomes, there is always grad school. Many state u grads I have known through the years went on to get ivy or other well-regarded advanced degrees once they realized what they wanted.

[Anonymous]

Don’t push. Life is not a competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to my sister about this this weekend. She was recalling a conversation she had with my dad in high school where she explained to him that she could put in low/medium effort and do pretty well (A-/B+) or put in extraordinary effort and really excel (A/A+) - but that the first choice seemed to make a lot more sense. To this, my father replied “honey, you’ve figured out the secret to life. I’m so proud.” Thirty years later “slacker” sister is doing just as well as our sibling who put in the extra effort, and arguably, is much happier.

Not going to lie, I’m still pretty inclined to push my kids but there really is a point of diminishing returns. If they’re on track to be healthy, contributing adults I wouldn’t sweat it too much.

The thing is, our children live in a different world. Your sister didn't have to compete with the pool of extremely driven, talented immigrants like our children do. You could pretty much coast to an upper middle class life. You can't count on this anymore. Maybe it will happen, maybe not - but the odds are definitively different from what they were 30 years ago.

Um there is plenty of homegrown talent. Competition is stiffer partly bc thanks to the internet, people have heard of all the really good schools that wouldn’t have geographically been on their radar several decades ago. Can’t believe you’re yelling “IMMIGRANTS!” on a post about kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are smart and athletic kids. Everything comes to them easily BUT they do not put forth maximum effort, ever. As a result, my dd is a decent runner only, despite having the potential to be a fantastic runner. She shows up to practice, does her thing, but doesn't push herself. She gives it 70%. It's the same thing with school: getting them to take any APs is like pulling teeth, and they so far refused the hard ones, despite doing very well in the APs they do take. They know it is going to affect college, we have pushed, explained and got nowhere. They just don't want to work hard. Do you think this is just personality or that I should push them harder even?

this is peak asian posting. you only forgot to complain about their violin playing.

[Anonymous]

I think they may be wiser than you are. They are doing well enough to succeed in life, and they are maximizing their return on investment of time and effort. To be almost at the top requires some effort, but not enough to make life stressful. The reward to effort ratio is great. People at the very top have to put in a LOT more effort and they have a lot of stress as a consequence. People can only work this hard if they are driven from within. If you push them at some point they will just rebel and resent you for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are smart and athletic kids. Everything comes to them easily BUT they do not put forth maximum effort, ever. As a result, my dd is a decent runner only, despite having the potential to be a fantastic runner. She shows up to practice, does her thing, but doesn't push herself. She gives it 70%. It's the same thing with school: getting them to take any APs is like pulling teeth, and they so far refused the hard ones, despite doing very well in the APs they do take. They know it is going to affect college, we have pushed, explained and got nowhere. They just don't want to work hard. Do you think this is just personality or that I should push them harder even?

this is peak asian posting. you only forgot to complain about their violin playing.

Whatever. I am surrounded by white parents who push like this, and I am an Asian mom who doesn’t push.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are smart and athletic kids. Everything comes to them easily BUT they do not put forth maximum effort, ever. As a result, my dd is a decent runner only, despite having the potential to be a fantastic runner. She shows up to practice, does her thing, but doesn't push herself. She gives it 70%. It's the same thing with school: getting them to take any APs is like pulling teeth, and they so far refused the hard ones, despite doing very well in the APs they do take. They know it is going to affect college, we have pushed, explained and got nowhere. They just don't want to work hard. Do you think this is just personality or that I should push them harder even?

Are they around many other high achievers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are smart and athletic kids. Everything comes to them easily BUT they do not put forth maximum effort, ever. As a result, my dd is a decent runner only, despite having the potential to be a fantastic runner. She shows up to practice, does her thing, but doesn't push herself. She gives it 70%. It's the same thing with school: getting them to take any APs is like pulling teeth, and they so far refused the hard ones, despite doing very well in the APs they do take. They know it is going to affect college, we have pushed, explained and got nowhere. They just don't want to work hard. Do you think this is just personality or that I should push them harder even?

this is peak asian posting. you only forgot to complain about their violin playing.

Whatever. I am surrounded by white parents who push like this, and I am an Asian mom who doesn’t push.

It is a bit obnoxious but honestly I prefer when my kid hangs out with the asian kids whose parents push and have higher expectiation. And, in orchestra, lots of different instruments....parents who push just want the best for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Someone else posted on here one time about it being tough for type A parents to watch a child decide to go 80% of the way on something when the kid is capable of doing more. For those saying to guide (maybe not push) when you get, when did you stop? 9th grade? Sooner?

[Anonymous]

Some kids are very lazy and their parents don't push at all. They would have Cs to Fs without some intervention. I think it makes more sense for parents to intervene if there really is a problem instead of at thus hyper competitive level

[Anonymous]

You *wanting* the best for your kids by pushing them may not actually *be* the best for your kids.

Great intentions does not always result in the best outcome. Being pushed to reach your full potential non-stop will for some be torture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to my sister about this this weekend. She was recalling a conversation she had with my dad in high school where she explained to him that she could put in low/medium effort and do pretty well (A-/B+) or put in extraordinary effort and really excel (A/A+) - but that the first choice seemed to make a lot more sense. To this, my father replied “honey, you’ve figured out the secret to life. I’m so proud.” Thirty years later “slacker” sister is doing just as well as our sibling who put in the extra effort, and arguably, is much happier.

Not going to lie, I’m still pretty inclined to push my kids but there really is a point of diminishing returns. If they’re on track to be healthy, contributing adults I wouldn’t sweat it too much.

This was me. I realized I could kill myself and get an A in college or relax, go to parties and sporting events and get a B+.

I was never sorry about taking the easier path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to my sister about this this weekend. She was recalling a conversation she had with my dad in high school where she explained to him that she could put in low/medium effort and do pretty well (A-/B+) or put in extraordinary effort and really excel (A/A+) - but that the first choice seemed to make a lot more sense. To this, my father replied “honey, you’ve figured out the secret to life. I’m so proud.” Thirty years later “slacker” sister is doing just as well as our sibling who put in the extra effort, and arguably, is much happier.

Not going to lie, I’m still pretty inclined to push my kids but there really is a point of diminishing returns. If they’re on track to be healthy, contributing adults I wouldn’t sweat it too much.

This was me. I realized I could kill myself and get an A in college or relax, go to parties and sporting events and get a B+.

I was never sorry about taking the easier path.

B+ is still way above average. And in college, parents shouldn’t be involved anyway except justifiably to say they won’t pay for kid to just party and fail out. I am of mindset that MS and HS there are some kids that later would say “why didn’t you tell me” or “why didn’t you make me…. “ if parents don’t push. That said, a balancing act for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are smart and athletic kids. Everything comes to them easily BUT they do not put forth maximum effort, ever. As a result, my dd is a decent runner only, despite having the potential to be a fantastic runner. She shows up to practice, does her thing, but doesn't push herself. She gives it 70%. It's the same thing with school: getting them to take any APs is like pulling teeth, and they so far refused the hard ones, despite doing very well in the APs they do take. They know it is going to affect college, we have pushed, explained and got nowhere. They just don't want to work hard. Do you think this is just personality or that I should push them harder even?

this is peak asian posting. you only forgot to complain about their violin playing.

Whatever. I am surrounded by white parents who push like this, and I am an Asian mom who doesn’t push.

It is a bit obnoxious but honestly I prefer when my kid hangs out with the asian kids whose parents push and have higher expectiation. And, in orchestra, lots of different instruments....parents who push just want the best for their kids.

Problem is they don’t want your child hanging around. First and second generation anyway.

Some parents cross the line when it comes to pushing though. Ensuring they are enrolled in appropriate classes, appropriate activities doing their homework, that’s the parent’s job.

Screaming at them because they didn’t get first place in a spelling bee or got an A- in science is crossing the line. Pushing teachers to put them in a class they aren’t qualified for or a basketball club without the skills needed is crossing the line. Claiming your kid just isn’t trying hard enough when she is, that’s obnoxious.