Low effort teens

[Anonymous]

My kids are smart and athletic kids. Everything comes to them easily BUT they do not put forth maximum effort, ever. As a result, my dd is a decent runner only, despite having the potential to be a fantastic runner. She shows up to practice, does her thing, but doesn't push herself. She gives it 70%. It's the same thing with school: getting them to take any APs is like pulling teeth, and they so far refused the hard ones, despite doing very well in the APs they do take. They know it is going to affect college, we have pushed, explained and got nowhere. They just don't want to work hard. Do you think this is just personality or that I should push them harder even?

[Anonymous]

This is not low effort at all, IMO.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids is like this and my other kid is super driven. I was (and am) super driven and my brother is not. He has a professional job and does fine and is happy. I think some of this is ingrained and there is not much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Stop
Pushing them. They are fine.

[Anonymous]

This is my teen but I have to say, he’s not wrong. He got into every college he applied to and still got good merit aid as a B student. The college process wasn’t a grind because he applied to schools he could get into. He does well in classes that involve reading and writing but not math. He’s mentally healthy and happy so he knows what works for him.

[Anonymous]

Pushing too hard will only destroy your relationship with them. They are doing fine and motivation ultimately has to come from within.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are smart and athletic kids. Everything comes to them easily BUT they do not put forth maximum effort, ever. As a result, my dd is a decent runner only, despite having the potential to be a fantastic runner. She shows up to practice, does her thing, but doesn't push herself. She gives it 70%. It's the same thing with school: getting them to take any APs is like pulling teeth, and they so far refused the hard ones, despite doing very well in the APs they do take. They know it is going to affect college, we have pushed, explained and got nowhere. They just don't want to work hard. Do you think this is just personality or that I should push them harder even?

Yeah, at this point it's mostly personality. You can continue to push. Lord knows where they would be without it.

But talent is not enough. Ambition is also needed. And then - hard wor (related to ambition but not the same). My kids are very driven, and get upset when they are not "the best" and putting things in context, providing the bigger picture ets can be exhausting in its own way. There is a downside to everything.

[Anonymous]

This seems like a "you" problem. Are you expecting them to go Ivy League? They will be fine getting into a local state college and will live happy lives. Why do you feel the need to push them? That will not end well.

[Anonymous]

It’s personality. Enjoy them for who they are!

I’ve always been internally driven, while my brother has always been more laid back (“good enough” is good enough for him.) Happily, we’ve both leveraged our strengths and gave done remarkably well in life, both personally and professionally.

We’re very close - best friends who understand each other, do not judge, and have each others’ backs. But neither of us is close to our parents. Mostly because they relentlessly pushed us both to be more, more, more at every stage of our lives. It was exhausting, sad, and at times brutally disrespectful to who we were as people.

Please don’t do that to your kids. They’re enough as they are. Love and respect them and enjoy the ride!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a "you" problem. Are you expecting them to go Ivy League? They will be fine getting into a local state college and will live happy lives. Why do you feel the need to push them? That will not end well.

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It's ok to want your children to be successful, especially when you know they are capable. It's upsetting to witness people wasting their potential, even if they are not your own children. All this is perfectly normal - no need to be make into some kind of pathology.

The issue is, can you do much about it? As your children are older it is harder to push them to success because 1) they are big and stubborn and resistant 2) you need to do a lot of pushing for a very little benefit. When your kids are little you can push them to success fairly easily, assuming they are capable. When they are older there already many young adults in every lane who are talented & self-driven for your pushing to make a difference.

[Anonymous]

How could you possibly know that she is only putting 70% of effort into running. Do you go to all of her practices.

They are choosing classes probably based on teachers and counselors recommendations and what’s best for them.

You have nothing to base this on. They aren’t going to an Ivy League like most students. Let them be who they are. You’ll all be happier.

[Anonymous]

I was just talking to my sister about this this weekend. She was recalling a conversation she had with my dad in high school where she explained to him that she could put in low/medium effort and do pretty well (A-/B+) or put in extraordinary effort and really excel (A/A+) - but that the first choice seemed to make a lot more sense. To this, my father replied “honey, you’ve figured out the secret to life. I’m so proud.” Thirty years later “slacker” sister is doing just as well as our sibling who put in the extra effort, and arguably, is much happier.

Not going to lie, I’m still pretty inclined to push my kids but there really is a point of diminishing returns. If they’re on track to be healthy, contributing adults I wouldn’t sweat it too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How could you possibly know that she is only putting 70% of effort into running. Do you go to all of her practices.

They are choosing classes probably based on teachers and counselors recommendations and what’s best for them.

You have nothing to base this on. They aren’t going to an Ivy League like most students. Let them be who they are. You’ll all be happier.

It's possible. But some kids are driven enough to demand tougher classes from teachers and counselors. The latter are not necessarily very concerned if students are sufficiently challenged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to my sister about this this weekend. She was recalling a conversation she had with my dad in high school where she explained to him that she could put in low/medium effort and do pretty well (A-/B+) or put in extraordinary effort and really excel (A/A+) - but that the first choice seemed to make a lot more sense. To this, my father replied “honey, you’ve figured out the secret to life. I’m so proud.” Thirty years later “slacker” sister is doing just as well as our sibling who put in the extra effort, and arguably, is much happier.

Not going to lie, I’m still pretty inclined to push my kids but there really is a point of diminishing returns. If they’re on track to be healthy, contributing adults I wouldn’t sweat it too much.

The thing is, our children live in a different world. Your sister didn't have to compete with the pool of extremely driven, talented immigrants like our children do. You could pretty much coast to an upper middle class life. You can't count on this anymore. Maybe it will happen, maybe not - but the odds are definitively different from what they were 30 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Same issue here. We push.