If you have an adult DD who doesn't dress up

[Anonymous]

Work is remote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have an adult DD who considers basic bare minimum for looks as good enough, would you discuss it with them?

I've always been a Plain Jane kind of person, who did "presentable" and "low key" looks. My mom was... not. She frequently criticized my look and I hated it. Eventually I hated her. She was just mean and judgmental and controlling. She wanted a daughter who was someone other than me. I was never good enough. I eventually saw her and talked to her as little as possible.

So... if that's the outcome you want, go right ahead and say something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing, she’s a grown ass adult. Leave her alone.

What is it about adding "ass" to a random statement. It makes you sound dumb and takes credibility away from everything you say.

[Anonymous]

Only if you want to make her feel bad and permanently alter your relationship for the worse. She’s not going to cut you off, but it will be different

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? Does she have a job? Where is the job?

I'd maybe discuss professional attire for someone entering the corporate world for the first time in their 20s. But if this person is over 30, I would say nothing.

This DD is 26, engaged, CPA and has friends. No other issues.

Then, no. She's doing fine.

I started speaking with my kids about this stuff during puberty. My kids dress well, but if at some point they change their style, it's a choice. Sounds like your daughter is making a choice.

[Anonymous]

I don’t care about clothes or hair. I have an adoring DH, good career and lots of friends. Occasionally I see pictures (like from college or my 20s) and can’t believe I did dressed so badly but I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. I wear the same things and lots of black. I’m grateful my parents love me unconditionally and would never comment on superficial things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give her a detailed explanation about how appearances matter both professionally, romantically and even for friendships; I would point out all her lovely features that deserve to be brought out, hairstyles that might flatter her head shape, and cuts and style of clothes that go best with her figure; and I would also discuss colors and patterns that suit her coloring and size.

Essentially I would act as her fashion assistant. Only once, if she shuts me down and says she's not interested, of course. I wouldn't want to be a nag and make her uncomfortable. But it's a service one woman can do for another.

you are spot on, on DCUM its either "leave them alone or get a therapist", its almost like humans cant improve if someone points out a possible blindspot

[Anonymous]

I really disliked when my mother commented on my dressing or hair etc even though I knew she meant well, it was bad for my self esteem.

[Anonymous]

I don't dress up. My mother vaguely tried to discuss it with me in my 20's. I blew her off. I'm now in my 40's and still dress very casually. I wore pants and driving mocs and a sweater to her funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give her a detailed explanation about how appearances matter both professionally, romantically and even for friendships; I would point out all her lovely features that deserve to be brought out, hairstyles that might flatter her head shape, and cuts and style of clothes that go best with her figure; and I would also discuss colors and patterns that suit her coloring and size.

Essentially I would act as her fashion assistant. Only once, if she shuts me down and says she's not interested, of course. I wouldn't want to be a nag and make her uncomfortable. But it's a service one woman can do for another.

This post is almost making me physically squirm. I do not want this service from my mom or any other woman, unless I specifically seek it out.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is a basic leggings and tshirt, no makeup woman and she looks good in whatever she wears. If she's comfortable and confident then I say go girl. Not everyone needs glam 24/7

You say nothing but compliment her on her confidence to wear what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Please don't. When I was in my teens and 20s my mom made nonstop critical comments about my hair (always in a ponytail), lack of makeup, and casual clothes (mostly jeans, tees, and flip-flops) and it drove me batty. I was always clean and wearing clean clothes, just very casual, while she and my younger sister were both "never leave the house, even to go outside and grab the mail, without a blowout and a full face of makeup and a dress" kind of people. I'm now 40 and still low-maintenance and somewhere along the line (maybe once she realized it wasn't stopping me from being gainfully employed or getting married?) she dropped it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody dresses up these days unless they are face to face with clients.

Untrue. I dress up almost every day because I like to look nice. I do agree that most people clearly do not care about looking nice.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. Has the DD reached out because someone said something to her? Otherwise based on the update it sounds like she is a professionally employed, functioning, engaged young woman. Clearly her job and fiancé have no issues with how she presents herself. So how is this an issue that needs to be addressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old? Does she have a job? Where is the job?

I'd maybe discuss professional attire for someone entering the corporate world for the first time in their 20s. But if this person is over 30, I would say nothing.

This DD is 26, engaged, CPA and has friends. No other issues.

Sounds like she's doing just fine without your micromanaging. Are you feeling left out or something? She's too successful on her own, you are feeling the need to drag her down a few pegs?

Let her live her life how she wants. Back off.