Emailing with young counselor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the problem that he’s male? Because I used to write letters to my camp counselors all the time, but they were girls. Some of them attended my Bat Mitzvah.

+10000 One camp counselor has now become like a big sister to DD and a close family friend. If he was female I don't think you would be so upset, or if it was a boy emailing a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the problem that he’s male? Because I used to write letters to my camp counselors all the time, but they were girls. Some of them attended my Bat Mitzvah.

+10000 One camp counselor has now become like a big sister to DD and a close family friend. If he was female I don't think you would be so upset, or if it was a boy emailing a woman.

Well, yes. It’s different. I wouldn’t be ok with my 11 yr old daughter having a friendship with a 20 yr old man that included any form of personal communication outside of in person and in the context of how they know each other (camp, a couch, a teacher, etc)

[Anonymous]

It’s sad that it’s all become so sexualized and dangerous in the age of the internet.

If I had to guess, I’d agree that the counselor is trying to distance himself but doesn’t know how without hurting the kid.

I would send him some version of the email that somebody posted on the first page, but keep the police and threats out of it. Have some compassion for this kid who is trying hard not to cross a line. But I do think it’s worth including the part, kindly, that most schools, camps, and teams discourage extensive online communication between staff and students because it’s not a zone that’s free from bad actors.

I would also talk to your daughter, but not make a huge deal and don’t indicate that you think she has a crush on him. If you blow it out of proportion, you might weaken her trust. But I would say hey, I noticed you’re writing a bunch of so-and-so; just so you know, adult figures are told not to correspond extensively with students by email because that’s where some boundary crossing happens.

You could also ask her if she’s heard what warning signs to look for and when to shut things down or ask an adult for advice. You can add that most people are kind and trustworthy, but it’s just like looking both ways before crossing the street: you do it because sometimes people are not trustworthy and are not looking out for you.

I think if you handle this well, this can be an opportunity to show faith in your daughters judgment, and be a part of her learning about online connections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the content of the emails doesn’t concern you, I think the issue is less him emailing your daughter — than your daughter emailing him. So you tell him to stop. He abruptly stops. Where does that leave your daughter?

Before contacting the camp, I think that you should talk with your daughter. If he sought her out or offered his contact information to the campers, then, in your place, I’d definitely contact the camp. If she sought him out, and his responses are short and polite, I think the issue is your daughter’s behavior.

Not all counselors are trained in exactly the same ways. I can believe that: How to politely discourage contact from a camper who finds your FB page once you’re no longer employed by the camp might not have been covered. I can also believe that your daughter might see no reason not to reach out to the camp counselor that she has learned to trust — once the sessions have ended. So, start with your daughter— and then decide whether you have concerns that need to be addressed with the counselor and/or the camp.

I’d tell him to stop. It doesn’t matter if she sought him out, she is 11. He doesn’t respond to her personal emails, period. Where does that leave her daughter? It leaves her daughter knowing her 20 yr old counselor isn’t interested in any type of relationship beyond camp. It’s fine. She will get over and move on.

I think she should tell her daughter to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if the young man's intentions are innocent, and he's in this situation because he lacks the skills to get out of it, it's a safety situation. Because the child is learning to expect looseness in the boundaries between adult and child, and so is going to be more susceptible to grooming from someone whose intentions are innocent.

I would start by sending him an email something like this:

Hello Henry,

We are Larla and Larlo Smith, parents to Larlita Smith. It has come to our attention that you have been receiving and replying to emails from our young daughter.

We want you to understand that what you are doing is unsafe. It is unsafe for her, because even if you don't intend to hurt her, you are teaching her that she should feel comfortable with this kind of contact, and puts her at risk that the next young man she reaches out to will do the same. It's also unsafe to you because if a parent were to make a complaint, you could yourself in big trouble.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and ask you to block my child's email, and the email and phone number of any other children you met at camp. If you email me back assuring me that this is done, I will take that as a sign that you made a mistake and your intentions were innocent. If I don't hear from you, or if my daughter receives another email from you, even one that says goodbye, I will contact the camp and the police.

Thank you for putting my child's safety first.

-- Larla and Larlo Smith

Then I would sit down with your child, let her know that you saw the emails and that he was wrong, and that you have instructed him to stop, and that if an adult ever tries to contact her in this way she should come to you.

Finally, I wouldn't use that camp next year.

This is crazy. You need to (1) talk to your daughter and (2) email the counselor and ask him to stop replying to her messages with a short "Hi Henry, this is Sarah's mom Jane. Please stop emailing her. We will talk to her and explain why this is necessary. Thank you, Jane"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if the young man's intentions are innocent, and he's in this situation because he lacks the skills to get out of it, it's a safety situation. Because the child is learning to expect looseness in the boundaries between adult and child, and so is going to be more susceptible to grooming from someone whose intentions are innocent.

I would start by sending him an email something like this:

Hello Henry,

We are Larla and Larlo Smith, parents to Larlita Smith. It has come to our attention that you have been receiving and replying to emails from our young daughter.

We want you to understand that what you are doing is unsafe. It is unsafe for her, because even if you don't intend to hurt her, you are teaching her that she should feel comfortable with this kind of contact, and puts her at risk that the next young man she reaches out to will do the same. It's also unsafe to you because if a parent were to make a complaint, you could yourself in big trouble.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and ask you to block my child's email, and the email and phone number of any other children you met at camp. If you email me back assuring me that this is done, I will take that as a sign that you made a mistake and your intentions were innocent. If I don't hear from you, or if my daughter receives another email from you, even one that says goodbye, I will contact the camp and the police.

Thank you for putting my child's safety first.

-- Larla and Larlo Smith

Then I would sit down with your child, let her know that you saw the emails and that he was wrong, and that you have instructed him to stop, and that if an adult ever tries to contact her in this way she should come to you.

Finally, I wouldn't use that camp next year.

Yep, you’re insane.

The police? Yeah, there's nothing illegal there. Bad judgement? Sure. But seriously, calm down.

[Anonymous]

You need to set boundaries and tell her to stop. He’s in a no win situation. Beyond a thank you she should not be doing this.

[Anonymous]

I would reach out to him and let him know that you have been made aware of the emails and appreciate that he has not acted inappropriately with DD, but that you will be talking to your DD about it being inappropriate to keep emailing him and for him to not respond to any further emails from her. Then I would have a long talk with my DD about how it is inappropriate to communicate with a guy in his early 20s and that this communication could really get him in trouble if she continues to reach out to him. This all assumes that DD was the instigator of the email relationship and that the counselor really has been short in responding in a way that an adult would understand no further communication is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to set boundaries and tell her to stop. He’s in a no win situation. Beyond a thank you she should not be doing this.

She is 11. He is absolutely the one in the wrong here. What do you mean he is in a “no win” situation? Nothing at all happens to him if he simply doesn’t respond to her. The 11 yr old has done nothing wrong and in fact, camp probably providing staff emails as part of a camp address book.

What this guy should have done is after the first email from her, he sends a basic reply “Glad you got home safely, I hope you had a great summer, have a great year at school, see you at camp next year!” And then he doesn’t reply to subsequent emails. That is how it should have been handled. But him replying to all of her emails to is sending the message he wants to be communicating with her. This is not her fault, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set boundaries and tell her to stop. He’s in a no win situation. Beyond a thank you she should not be doing this.

She is 11. He is absolutely the one in the wrong here. What do you mean he is in a “no win” situation? Nothing at all happens to him if he simply doesn’t respond to her. The 11 yr old has done nothing wrong and in fact, camp probably providing staff emails as part of a camp address book.

What this guy should have done is after the first email from her, he sends a basic reply “Glad you got home safely, I hope you had a great summer, have a great year at school, see you at camp next year!” And then he doesn’t reply to subsequent emails. That is how it should have been handled. But him replying to all of her emails to is sending the message he wants to be communicating with her. This is not her fault, at all.

Yes, and he’s 15. Not his “fault “ either. They are both kids.

[Anonymous]

This is inappropriate and I’d monitor those messages and discuss with his employer

[Anonymous]

This is sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set boundaries and tell her to stop. He’s in a no win situation. Beyond a thank you she should not be doing this.

She is 11. He is absolutely the one in the wrong here. What do you mean he is in a “no win” situation? Nothing at all happens to him if he simply doesn’t respond to her. The 11 yr old has done nothing wrong and in fact, camp probably providing staff emails as part of a camp address book.

What this guy should have done is after the first email from her, he sends a basic reply “Glad you got home safely, I hope you had a great summer, have a great year at school, see you at camp next year!” And then he doesn’t reply to subsequent emails. That is how it should have been handled. But him replying to all of her emails to is sending the message he wants to be communicating with her. This is not her fault, at all.

Yes, and he’s 15. Not his “fault “ either. They are both kids.

??? Where do you get 15? OP said early 20s. Definitely not a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see my 11yo daughter has been having email exchanges with a counselor from her overnight camp that she attended earlier this year. The counselor is a male in early 20s. It seems he is trying to keep the messages short but she is writing A LOT. I am accessing from her email that she is not aware of... What would you do? I want to tell her to stop messaging him but is it also something you would bring to the awareness of the camp? TIA.

Why aren’t you telling your daughter you monitor her messages? You “want” to tell her to stop? I seriously don’t get some of the parents in this area. Your 11-year-old daughter is exchanging emails with a 20-year-old man and you haven’t shut this down yesterday? I honestly find that confusing. What are you afraid of? Where is your protective instinct as a parent? I’m not attacking you, I’m genuinely confused. Why is there would be any question on your part about this situation? Whether you reach out to him or reach out to the camp is totally secondary to putting the brakes on this whole situation right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to set boundaries and tell her to stop. He’s in a no win situation. Beyond a thank you she should not be doing this.

She is 11. He is absolutely the one in the wrong here. What do you mean he is in a “no win” situation? Nothing at all happens to him if he simply doesn’t respond to her. The 11 yr old has done nothing wrong and in fact, camp probably providing staff emails as part of a camp address book.

What this guy should have done is after the first email from her, he sends a basic reply “Glad you got home safely, I hope you had a great summer, have a great year at school, see you at camp next year!” And then he doesn’t reply to subsequent emails. That is how it should have been handled. But him replying to all of her emails to is sending the message he wants to be communicating with her. This is not her fault, at all.

Yes, and he’s 15. Not his “fault “ either. They are both kids.

No, read the OP. This counselor is in his early 20s. He should know to either 1) not respond at all 2) respond generically once and close the conversation, not replying again. This is entirely his fault