Emailing with young counselor?

[Anonymous]

I see my 11yo daughter has been having email exchanges with a counselor from her overnight camp that she attended earlier this year. The counselor is a male in early 20s. It seems he is trying to keep the messages short but she is writing A LOT. I am accessing from her email that she is not aware of... What would you do? I want to tell her to stop messaging him but is it also something you would bring to the awareness of the camp? TIA.

[Anonymous]

Email him directly and ask him to longer email your daughter. They are trained to never have direct contact with the youth they work with. Wildly inappropriate. In fact, if this were a sports sponsored camp you could likely file a Safe Sport complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Email him directly and ask him to longer email your daughter. They are trained to never have direct contact with the youth they work with. Wildly inappropriate. In fact, if this were a sports sponsored camp you could likely file a Safe Sport complaint.

Thank you, that's a great idea. I will do that.

[Anonymous]

Have you read all the messages? Your 11 year old should be aware that you have the right to review them, based on her age.

You need to have an open discussion with your child.

At my kid's public high school, teachers and club leaders and other authority figures are forbidden by policy from sharing their phone numbers or texting 1:1. Communications can happen either through school e-mail or an all-access publicly-visible club channel.

If your conversation with your child goes well, and the conversations seem innocuous, I would recommend that you send an e-mail to the counselor and say that you've told your daughter to discontinue the conversations. That might even be a relief to the counselor.

I'm not sure if I would notify the camp. It would depend on my read of the full situation. My teen son is a CIT volunteer this year. One of the bad parts of the job for him is that little girls keep trying to hug him and they jump on people. Body contact is forbidden for logical reasons. He finds the puppyish behavior annoying because like puppies the kids don't remember the no contact/hands to yourself rules very long. So I would say your daughter might have a crush or be driving most of the contact. Perhaps you can get your daughter to explain why she got the e-mail in the first place. (If it's not obvious.)

[Anonymous]

If the content of the emails doesn’t concern you, I think the issue is less him emailing your daughter — than your daughter emailing him. So you tell him to stop. He abruptly stops. Where does that leave your daughter?

Before contacting the camp, I think that you should talk with your daughter. If he sought her out or offered his contact information to the campers, then, in your place, I’d definitely contact the camp. If she sought him out, and his responses are short and polite, I think the issue is your daughter’s behavior.

Not all counselors are trained in exactly the same ways. I can believe that: How to politely discourage contact from a camper who finds your FB page once you’re no longer employed by the camp might not have been covered. I can also believe that your daughter might see no reason not to reach out to the camp counselor that she has learned to trust — once the sessions have ended. So, start with your daughter— and then decide whether you have concerns that need to be addressed with the counselor and/or the camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the content of the emails doesn’t concern you, I think the issue is less him emailing your daughter — than your daughter emailing him. So you tell him to stop. He abruptly stops. Where does that leave your daughter?

Before contacting the camp, I think that you should talk with your daughter. If he sought her out or offered his contact information to the campers, then, in your place, I’d definitely contact the camp. If she sought him out, and his responses are short and polite, I think the issue is your daughter’s behavior.

Not all counselors are trained in exactly the same ways. I can believe that: How to politely discourage contact from a camper who finds your FB page once you’re no longer employed by the camp might not have been covered. I can also believe that your daughter might see no reason not to reach out to the camp counselor that she has learned to trust — once the sessions have ended. So, start with your daughter— and then decide whether you have concerns that need to be addressed with the counselor and/or the camp.

I was thinking the same.

[Anonymous]

She is crushing hard on him, and he doesn't have the skills to shut her down so he's going along with it hoping she'll stop it.

Talk to your daughter. Explain why it is inappropriate and get her to leave the guy alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you mind sharing at least the state where this camp is located? Because this situation sounds similar to a concern that I have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is crushing hard on him, and he doesn't have the skills to shut her down so he's going along with it hoping she'll stop it.

Talk to your daughter. Explain why it is inappropriate and get her to leave the guy alone.

I thought this as well.

[Anonymous]

Just another tip, until my daughter was about 15, I required her to have a signature in her email that said this email account is monitored by parents.

[Anonymous]

Even if the young man's intentions are innocent, and he's in this situation because he lacks the skills to get out of it, it's a safety situation. Because the child is learning to expect looseness in the boundaries between adult and child, and so is going to be more susceptible to grooming from someone whose intentions are innocent.

I would start by sending him an email something like this:

Hello Henry,

We are Larla and Larlo Smith, parents to Larlita Smith. It has come to our attention that you have been receiving and replying to emails from our young daughter.

We want you to understand that what you are doing is unsafe. It is unsafe for her, because even if you don't intend to hurt her, you are teaching her that she should feel comfortable with this kind of contact, and puts her at risk that the next young man she reaches out to will do the same. It's also unsafe to you because if a parent were to make a complaint, you could yourself in big trouble.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and ask you to block my child's email, and the email and phone number of any other children you met at camp. If you email me back assuring me that this is done, I will take that as a sign that you made a mistake and your intentions were innocent. If I don't hear from you, or if my daughter receives another email from you, even one that says goodbye, I will contact the camp and the police.

Thank you for putting my child's safety first.

-- Larla and Larlo Smith

Then I would sit down with your child, let her know that you saw the emails and that he was wrong, and that you have instructed him to stop, and that if an adult ever tries to contact her in this way she should come to you.

Finally, I wouldn't use that camp next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if the young man's intentions are innocent, and he's in this situation because he lacks the skills to get out of it, it's a safety situation. Because the child is learning to expect looseness in the boundaries between adult and child, and so is going to be more susceptible to grooming from someone whose intentions are innocent.

I would start by sending him an email something like this:

Hello Henry,

We are Larla and Larlo Smith, parents to Larlita Smith. It has come to our attention that you have been receiving and replying to emails from our young daughter.

We want you to understand that what you are doing is unsafe. It is unsafe for her, because even if you don't intend to hurt her, you are teaching her that she should feel comfortable with this kind of contact, and puts her at risk that the next young man she reaches out to will do the same. It's also unsafe to you because if a parent were to make a complaint, you could yourself in big trouble.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and ask you to block my child's email, and the email and phone number of any other children you met at camp. If you email me back assuring me that this is done, I will take that as a sign that you made a mistake and your intentions were innocent. If I don't hear from you, or if my daughter receives another email from you, even one that says goodbye, I will contact the camp and the police.

Thank you for putting my child's safety first.

-- Larla and Larlo Smith

Then I would sit down with your child, let her know that you saw the emails and that he was wrong, and that you have instructed him to stop, and that if an adult ever tries to contact her in this way she should come to you.

Finally, I wouldn't use that camp next year.

Yep, you’re insane.

[Anonymous]

You have to start by telling your DD no more emailing him. You can’t pass the buck to him for replying without taking responsibility for parenting your kid and shutting it down. Then if you want to email him fine. But calling him out without doing anything on your end is obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Is the problem that he’s male? Because I used to write letters to my camp counselors all the time, but they were girls. Some of them attended my Bat Mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the content of the emails doesn’t concern you, I think the issue is less him emailing your daughter — than your daughter emailing him. So you tell him to stop. He abruptly stops. Where does that leave your daughter?

Before contacting the camp, I think that you should talk with your daughter. If he sought her out or offered his contact information to the campers, then, in your place, I’d definitely contact the camp. If she sought him out, and his responses are short and polite, I think the issue is your daughter’s behavior.

Not all counselors are trained in exactly the same ways. I can believe that: How to politely discourage contact from a camper who finds your FB page once you’re no longer employed by the camp might not have been covered. I can also believe that your daughter might see no reason not to reach out to the camp counselor that she has learned to trust — once the sessions have ended. So, start with your daughter— and then decide whether you have concerns that need to be addressed with the counselor and/or the camp.

I’d tell him to stop. It doesn’t matter if she sought him out, she is 11. He doesn’t respond to her personal emails, period. Where does that leave her daughter? It leaves her daughter knowing her 20 yr old counselor isn’t interested in any type of relationship beyond camp. It’s fine. She will get over and move on.