Hurtful comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your adult kids should be visiting her once a year. A weekend is fine.

As my grandparents aged we started flying (2 hours) or driving (10 hours) to visit them rather than making them schlep out to us. All the adult grandkids who didn't live local to them did this. Yes, on occasion they would still visit, like Thanksgiving; but they really valued having us come out to them so they could show us off to friends or whatever. And they had less energy overall so they would be able to travel a few times a year, but wanted to go to places they really enjoyed, not places that were boring but for containing their adult grandchildren. Nothing wrong with that.

We live 3k miles away. IT would have to be more than a weekend.
I guess the weird thing is that she visits my sister, not me.

So plan a fun visit for her. If she doesn't know what to do in your city, show her what to do in your city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I visited my mom in the western state (very rugged and outdoorsy) where I grew up. We had a good time.
While I was there I asked why she never visits us - she visits my other sister in Montana and hikes there and in the state where she lives. She said, "what would I do there?" I live in a flat midwestern state where of course people can take walks, but there's barely a hill here. Land is covered with crops. But, there are many things to do here that don't involve hiking.
My adult children are here and haven't seen their grandmother since we went to visit her and vacation about 4 years ago.
She travels to see my sister a couple times a year. Sister has two teenagers.
I want to tell her how hurtful her comment is. I cannot imagine being this kind of person.

I understand your mom's position.

What are the other activities that you think might be of interest to her beyond spending time with grandkids ? Harvesting corn ? Planting corn ? Husking corn ? Watching corn stalks grow ? Help with the hogs ?

Also, many suffer severe allergies when visiting Midwestern farm states.

[Anonymous]

OP, look at her actions. She prefers to hang out with your sister and her family. She doesn't make the effort to visit you or your family.

Knowing that, accept these are the choices she makes year after year, and make your own choices. Still visit her? Meet in a third location? What isn't going to change anything is you spelling out how her behavior is hurtful to you. But consider that you might feel better saying it.

[Anonymous]

I’m team grandma on this one. I seldom take the granny’s side on this one but I’m from a flat midwestern state so I get it. Montana is beautiful and if you are outdoorsy it’s a great vacation. A flat midwestern state that is not in a big city like Chicago or cute college town like Ann Arbor is depressing! Who wants to spend time and money on a vacation where you sit around watching TV or maybe go to a shopping mall. Yuck!

Vacations should be enjoyable not just sitting around looking at your relatives out of obligation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m team grandma on this one. I seldom take the granny’s side on this one but I’m from a flat midwestern state so I get it. Montana is beautiful and if you are outdoorsy it’s a great vacation. A flat midwestern state that is not in a big city like Chicago or cute college town like Ann Arbor is depressing! Who wants to spend time and money on a vacation where you sit around watching TV or maybe go to a shopping mall. Yuck!

Vacations should be enjoyable not just sitting around looking at your relatives out of obligation!

They’re not “your relatives.” They’re your daughter and grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m team grandma on this one. I seldom take the granny’s side on this one but I’m from a flat midwestern state so I get it. Montana is beautiful and if you are outdoorsy it’s a great vacation. A flat midwestern state that is not in a big city like Chicago or cute college town like Ann Arbor is depressing! Who wants to spend time and money on a vacation where you sit around watching TV or maybe go to a shopping mall. Yuck!

Vacations should be enjoyable not just sitting around looking at your relatives out of obligation!

Last time OP's family saw grandma was 4 years ago when they went to her. Grandma visits the sister multiple times a year. Yes, it's grandma's choice, but why aren't people also a consideration rather than only activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m team grandma on this one. I seldom take the granny’s side on this one but I’m from a flat midwestern state so I get it. Montana is beautiful and if you are outdoorsy it’s a great vacation. A flat midwestern state that is not in a big city like Chicago or cute college town like Ann Arbor is depressing! Who wants to spend time and money on a vacation where you sit around watching TV or maybe go to a shopping mall. Yuck!

Vacations should be enjoyable not just sitting around looking at your relatives out of obligation!

Last time OP's family saw grandma was 4 years ago when they went to her. Grandma visits the sister multiple times a year. Yes, it's grandma's choice, but why aren't people also a consideration rather than only activities.

Because it’s boring! Vacation is expensive for some people. Sitting around looking at people in a place with nothing to do is really, really unenjoyable!

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but your mother is selfish. My in laws are exactly like this. They never come see us but spend a lot of time with my husbands brother and his wife. They are only interested in getting together if there’s something in it for them.

I’d say something, just to make myself feel better that I got it out, but still realize they won’t change.

[Anonymous]

My parents live in a boring midwestern town and I refuse to visit for more than a 3-4 day weekend. I love them and want to see them but don’t want to spend my vacation time and money sitting and doing nothing. I often pay for them to visit me so we have things to do.
You can either visit your Mom where she lives or plan a trip together somewhere that appeals to everyone. It is literally torture for active outdoorsy people to sit and do nothing. I can’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, look at her actions. She prefers to hang out with your sister and her family. She doesn't make the effort to visit you or your family.

Knowing that, accept these are the choices she makes year after year, and make your own choices. Still visit her? Meet in a third location? What isn't going to change anything is you spelling out how her behavior is hurtful to you. But consider that you might feel better saying it.

good points.
She has been here before. She isn't allergic. But she simply doesn't enjoy all the activities we do. We go to the lake - a lot, we shop, eat, play cards.
I want her to know why we're stepping back so I'll tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m team grandma on this one. I seldom take the granny’s side on this one but I’m from a flat midwestern state so I get it. Montana is beautiful and if you are outdoorsy it’s a great vacation. A flat midwestern state that is not in a big city like Chicago or cute college town like Ann Arbor is depressing! Who wants to spend time and money on a vacation where you sit around watching TV or maybe go to a shopping mall. Yuck!

Vacations should be enjoyable not just sitting around looking at your relatives out of obligation!

Last time OP's family saw grandma was 4 years ago when they went to her. Grandma visits the sister multiple times a year. Yes, it's grandma's choice, but why aren't people also a consideration rather than only activities.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, look at her actions. She prefers to hang out with your sister and her family. She doesn't make the effort to visit you or your family.

Knowing that, accept these are the choices she makes year after year, and make your own choices. Still visit her? Meet in a third location? What isn't going to change anything is you spelling out how her behavior is hurtful to you. But consider that you might feel better saying it.

good points.
She has been here before. She isn't allergic. But she simply doesn't enjoy all the activities we do. We go to the lake - a lot, we shop, eat, play cards.
I want her to know why we're stepping back so I'll tell her.

Face it, OP: you're enjoying your *hurt* role in this sad dynamic. There are lots of workarounds here but you've chosen the victim status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, if the answer to "What would I do there?" Is not "See my grandkids" there's really nothing you can do.

She's chosen what she wants.

True, but I don't really want to be around someone who makes that choice. I'm stepping back, and telling her why.

Stand back and stand by in your victimhood.

[Anonymous]

Can Gma drive to sister? Coukd it be distance vs flying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, look at her actions. She prefers to hang out with your sister and her family. She doesn't make the effort to visit you or your family.

Knowing that, accept these are the choices she makes year after year, and make your own choices. Still visit her? Meet in a third location? What isn't going to change anything is you spelling out how her behavior is hurtful to you. But consider that you might feel better saying it.

good points.
She has been here before. She isn't allergic. But she simply doesn't enjoy all the activities we do. We go to the lake - a lot, we shop, eat, play cards.
I want her to know why we're stepping back so I'll tell her.

Something to consider - you are upset bc your Mom doesn’t share the same values as you. Rather than punish her for it, consider how to do things together that balance both sides perspective. Maybe tell her you want to see her more often (and want her to see your kids) and ask how you can both compromise to make that happen. My mIL and SIL are very hurt that we don’t visit them more often. They typically come to us and we do all the hosting bc we have the space. If we visit them, we need a hotel. We have done lots of trips together where we pay for the majority of the trip for them. We spend plenty of time with them. They still complain we don’t come to them. We have different priorities and commitments bc we are at very different stages of life. We do come to them but not as often as they would like. It is what it is.