Emotional affair or friendship?

[Anonymous]

He sounds toxic and immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds toxic and immature.

I don't think that was the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds toxic and immature.

I don't think that was the question.

NP. Why bother with any of it? Sounds like an energy vampire and I heard nothing about why this friendship is positive for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds toxic and immature.

I don't think that was the question.

NP. Why bother with any of it? Sounds like an energy vampire and I heard nothing about why this friendship is positive for you.

This is a valid question. As a boyfriend he only wanted anal, and he doesn't sound like much of a friend. Doesn't seem worth fighting with another woman over his friendship. And if OP still wants more than just a friendship, which I suspect is the case, then she needs to hammer out the anal issue with the ex. Either she gets into it, or he accepts that it's not on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds toxic and immature.

I don't think that was the question.

NP. Why bother with any of it? Sounds like an energy vampire and I heard nothing about why this friendship is positive for you.

OP here. Before the new gf entered the picture, he would call me to chat, etc. and I enjoyed hearing from him. Nowadays, it hasn’t really been a positive experience for me so I’m not sure what the future holds in that regard. Because if they break up, it’s not as if things will go back to how they used to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds toxic and immature.

I don't think that was the question.

NP. Why bother with any of it? Sounds like an energy vampire and I heard nothing about why this friendship is positive for you.

OP here. Before the new gf entered the picture, he would call me to chat, etc. and I enjoyed hearing from him. Nowadays, it hasn’t really been a positive experience for me so I’m not sure what the future holds in that regard. Because if they break up, it’s not as if things will go back to how they used to be.

Well it doesn't sound like emotional affair or friendship, just two people who didn't have anal sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds toxic and immature.

I don't think that was the question.

NP. Why bother with any of it? Sounds like an energy vampire and I heard nothing about why this friendship is positive for you.

OP here. Before the new gf entered the picture, he would call me to chat, etc. and I enjoyed hearing from him. Nowadays, it hasn’t really been a positive experience for me so I’m not sure what the future holds in that regard. Because if they break up, it’s not as if things will go back to how they used to be.

OP here. I should also note that we were inseparable best friends for years, so the new gf in effect wants to replace me as his best friend. He was concerned that he’d be left without an emotional support network in the event they break up if he burns a bridge with me. Though they have done a great job in succeeding in destroying our friendship, and he and she have already broken up twice in six months. So it’s not a great situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds toxic and immature.

I don't think that was the question.

NP. Why bother with any of it? Sounds like an energy vampire and I heard nothing about why this friendship is positive for you.

OP here. Before the new gf entered the picture, he would call me to chat, etc. and I enjoyed hearing from him. Nowadays, it hasn’t really been a positive experience for me so I’m not sure what the future holds in that regard. Because if they break up, it’s not as if things will go back to how they used to be.

OP here. I should also note that we were inseparable best friends for years, so the new gf in effect wants to replace me as his best friend. He was concerned that he’d be left without an emotional support network in the event they break up if he burns a bridge with me. Though they have done a great job in succeeding in destroying our friendship, and he and she have already broken up twice in six months. So it’s not a great situation.

Hard truth -- if you want the best for him, and want him to move on and have a full relationship with someone, with sexual and emotional intimacy, you have to step back and give him that space. He'll probably never be "all in" while you are his BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds toxic and immature.

I don't think that was the question.

NP. Why bother with any of it? Sounds like an energy vampire and I heard nothing about why this friendship is positive for you.

This is a valid question. As a boyfriend he only wanted anal, and he doesn't sound like much of a friend. Doesn't seem worth fighting with another woman over his friendship. And if OP still wants more than just a friendship, which I suspect is the case, then she needs to hammer out the anal issue with the ex. Either she gets into it, or he accepts that it's not on the table.

OP here. It was actually both oral and anal that I didn’t want to do. But that’s irrelevant. For his next GF, I’m definitely making sure that I’m not introduced as his ex-GF. But it does sound like this GF’s allegations of an emotional affair are false, which I agree. Not sure if we will still be friends by then though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds toxic and immature.

I don't think that was the question.

NP. Why bother with any of it? Sounds like an energy vampire and I heard nothing about why this friendship is positive for you.

OP here. Before the new gf entered the picture, he would call me to chat, etc. and I enjoyed hearing from him. Nowadays, it hasn’t really been a positive experience for me so I’m not sure what the future holds in that regard. Because if they break up, it’s not as if things will go back to how they used to be.

OP here. I should also note that we were inseparable best friends for years, so the new gf in effect wants to replace me as his best friend. He was concerned that he’d be left without an emotional support network in the event they break up if he burns a bridge with me. Though they have done a great job in succeeding in destroying our friendship, and he and she have already broken up twice in six months. So it’s not a great situation.

The bolded concerns me since clearly he views you as an emotional crutch. It sounds deeper than just a friendship at least in his mind if he is that worried that he won’t have any support system if this one female is no longer in his life. Does the man not have any guy friends, brothers, sisters, family members, co workers. It just seems odd to me that he feels he won’t have NO support system if you are the only person no longer in his life. Just some food for thought!

[Anonymous]

you sounds so incredibly lame OP. Anal is what you need to loosen up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell us more about "wasn't willing to do many of the standard techniques"... what does that even mean?

OP here. Oral and anal.

Anal isn't standard.

Speak for yourself 🍑😜

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell us more about "wasn't willing to do many of the standard techniques"... what does that even mean?

OP here. Oral and anal.

Anal isn't standard.

OP here. He had some kinks, and I wasn’t interested in participating. It was important to him, so we stopped dating.

well, were they kinks or was he trying to get you to do something non-standard?

OP here. I have no idea. Basically we weren’t sexually compatible.

Are you willing to have anal now?

OP here. I think it makes sense to focus on the rest of my question. But to respond to your answer, I would prefer not to.

It's very relevant in terms of what type of relationship you two have. If you'd be willing to do it, maybe he sees a rekindling or the possibility of taking you on as a sidepiece.

OP here. He’s asked me to get back together with him multiple times since we’ve broken up but I told him no. Not interested in being a side piece or doing casual. I’ve moved on from that part of my life, and am not interested in dating him.

Has he asked you or implied that he’d be open to you being a side piece since he started dating the new girlfriend? Do you get the sense that if you were open to having that kind of relationship with him right now, that he’d be down for it? If so, then the girlfriend is likely picking up on those vibes too. Just something to consider. That said, neither of them seems to be handling their feelings well, and it’s not cool for him to be putting you into the middle of this. It doesn’t sound like a good relationship for either of them, but if he’s carrying a torch for you then he’s going to have a hard time with future relationships too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell us more about "wasn't willing to do many of the standard techniques"... what does that even mean?

OP here. Oral and anal.

Anal isn't standard.

OP here. He had some kinks, and I wasn’t interested in participating. It was important to him, so we stopped dating.

well, were they kinks or was he trying to get you to do something non-standard?

OP here. I have no idea. Basically we weren’t sexually compatible.

Are you willing to have anal now?

OP here. I think it makes sense to focus on the rest of my question. But to respond to your answer, I would prefer not to.

It's very relevant in terms of what type of relationship you two have. If you'd be willing to do it, maybe he sees a rekindling or the possibility of taking you on as a sidepiece.

OP here. He’s asked me to get back together with him multiple times since we’ve broken up but I told him no. Not interested in being a side piece or doing casual. I’ve moved on from that part of my life, and am not interested in dating him.

Has he asked you or implied that he’d be open to you being a side piece since he started dating the new girlfriend? Do you get the sense that if you were open to having that kind of relationship with him right now, that he’d be down for it? If so, then the girlfriend is likely picking up on those vibes too. Just something to consider. That said, neither of them seems to be handling their feelings well, and it’s not cool for him to be putting you into the middle of this. It doesn’t sound like a good relationship for either of them, but if he’s carrying a torch for you then he’s going to have a hard time with future relationships too.

But a side piece that doesn't put out? Lame.

OP: You need to take a few steps back if you actually care about this guy as a friend. Pull back and find someone who is a better match for you -- a better match physically and also a person who does not keep his ex-GF on a string while also dating others.

His girlfriend sounds controlling, but she may be the kind of "controlling" that develops when you like or love someone who is breadcrumbing or gaslighting you, and that person is doing things that make you uncomfortable but you don't have any concrete proof of alreally bad things.

You know what I'm talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Initially, he was required to block me on the phone, but after she realized I lived halfway across the country from him, is now allowing us to text and stay in touch again. During the period of blocking, he would reach out to me through Google voice and it seemed like he wanted us to stay in touch. She goes through his cell phone and computer, and checks all of his messages.

While this is controlling af, to the point of her seeming stupid insecure and clingy, if he agreed to block you, per her requirements, and then went around that block to continue talking with you, he cheated on her. So yeah, it's an EA at that point.

Anonymous wrote:She recently called him and was asking him when the last time he talked to me was, and it seems like she’s not okay with us as friends at all. She keeps asking about me, and is accusing him of being a womanizer. I’ve blocked him for now because I didn’t enjoy going through their drama, and the experience honestly caused me to lose respect for him. They have been dating for 6 months, though their relationship is characterized by a lot of fighting. For reference, he and I dated for 2 years and didn’t fight the entire time.

It's not about how much you fight/don't. That you frame yourself as better than her means you're in a competition mentality. If he's your ex, and you're truly over it, "she can have him" should be the way you frame all of it. Not "I was better".

Anonymous wrote:While I disagree we are in an emotional affair, I’m not sure if that’s accurate given that I’m not interested in a sexual relationship with him. Thoughts? Further wondering if what I’m describing above is a threat to her relationship with him? I was pretty hurt by her allegations and I don’t know if I’m ready to be friends with her.

Why the fsck would you want to be friends with her? Honestly, why do you still want to be his "friend"? He's the sort of person who would tell his GF one thing, and then go behind her back and do another. If he'd do that to her, he'd do it to you, too.

You need some better friends, and some better self-esteem, OP. Dump this whole hot mess and work on yourself.