Abusive Ex, how to cope

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate everyone chiming in. Kids are school elementary age. I will look into school drop offs.

Does anyone have thoughts on if I should ever talk to kids about what is going on? They are very upset right now and think I’m being mean. But I just can’t be nice to someone who assaulted me so many times. I have tried my best to remain nice, but to know that he could still act like this even when we are no longer married or live together is very upsetting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? If they are school aged, consider having parenting start at school pick up, and end at school drop off (this can work for weekends, and weeknights).

If the kids have clothes that fit at both houses, it shouldn't require packing.

+1 to this above and also to earlier ideas re: Always have someone with you at every pickup or dropoff if you possibly can. Do them in a neutral public place like a parking lot, not at either home. Or do this school-to-school custody thing, above. Anything to be public and neutral in location, or avoid seeing each other entirely. I would not even want him coming NEAR my house even if the kids could walk to and from cars on their own. I know someone whose ex would observe what cars were there, or what the yard looked like, and come at the ex-DW with things like "Why was there a strange car parked around the corner, are you hiding that you're seeing someone?" and "The yard is horrible, clean it up, you're a slob" etc. Invasive, and an attempt to intimidate.

Also, there are online specialized systems that exes can use to communicate in a monitored setting--with some, a third party has to read every message that is exchanged to ensure there is no abuse in the written messages, and it's the only way the exes are allowed to communicate. There have been posts on DCUM about these kinds of systems, OP.

But overall--OP, please get an experienced attorney who has handled cases where an ex is abusive and volatile but there has never been reported physical abuse. Yu need someone to navigate this with and for you. It sounds as if you need a solid change to all dropoffs, pickups and communications, so you and he do not cross paths. I would also look into having language in a new agreement about not badmouthing each other to the kids--that can be hard to enforce but such language does exist in some custody agreements and gives you at least some leverage if he signs off on it but then starts to badmouth you.

Re: the kids thinking you're the bad guy -- are they in any kind of counseling? Are you? Can you also maybe join a support group of women dealing with abusive exes like you are and get ideas there for how to handle this with kids--?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate everyone chiming in. Kids are school elementary age. I will look into school drop offs.

Does anyone have thoughts on if I should ever talk to kids about what is going on? They are very upset right now and think I’m being mean. But I just can’t be nice to someone who assaulted me so many times. I have tried my best to remain nice, but to know that he could still act like this even when we are no longer married or live together is very upsetting.

Therapy. You need to work with a therapist.

And, doing exchanges in either a neutral place (a police station is not neutral, a grocery store/restaurant/mall could be though - pick one that's often crowded), and reducing your contact to email/text/a coparenting app should really help reduce the amount that your kids see you arguing.

[Anonymous]

+1 to working through this with a counselor. A counselor can not only help you process your thoughts/establish boundaries, etc. but also help you frame 'the story' of your divorce. I certainly wouldn't hide or keep it secret - but it can be retold in a way that is true to your experience but doesn't shift the emotional burden to your kids.

I also think it would be helpful for your kids to know this information because it's highly unlikely the kids will be spared his abuse in the future. They could his target or witness it directed at his next romantic interest or both. They're going to need to know how to handle it or, at least, report it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was very verbally and physically abusive when we were married. Eventually I got the courage to leave him. We have two kids and co-parent now. I try to put the past behind me and focus on raising the kids. The other day he snapped and raged at me in front of the kids and was being physically aggressive. All the horrible memories of living with him in fear and abuse came back. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I am dreading the next kid pick up.

Talk to your lawyer and going FW record all these encounters before you get to them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you file for a restraining order? The court can order some kind of supervised transition, or transitions where you aren't involved (e.g. at school, or through a third party) as part of the restraining order.

If he was physically aggressive, did you file a police report?

I did not file a police report. it was not police report worthy. He was just very angry and yelling at me in front of my home. I asked him to stop and leave. He continued. I know what he is like when he is escalating to violence so I started to walk away from him to get distance because I was scared. Then he started following and trying to grab me and I had to lock myself in my car.

On top of all of this he was yelling so loud the kids heard from inside the house and were watching. They can tell I’ve not been friendly to their Dad after this. Like I haven’t been able to engage in convo with them about their dad. So on top of being afraid my kids are now pestering that I’m being mean to dad. They do not know that he used to beat me.

Tell this all to your lawyer your have an narcisstic abusive ex who is alienating your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you exchange the kids in a neutral, public place? One of my neighbors got so fed up with her ex being terrible while exchanging the children, she had it written into the divorce decree that pick ups and drop offs would be at the local police station. It sounds extreme and traumatic, but you and the kids would be safer. Your ex sounds like he’s starting a campaign to make you the bad guy. Don’t let him do that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See if you can have someone with you and why not record the custody exchange. It should take 10-15 seconds max if you have the car door open.
Careful with claiming abuse- fall on empty ears. I stood in court black and blue and nobody cared.
And careful calling police. You both may be locked up. They have zero reason to figure out who started and will take you both. Happened to me.

I believe it. The U.S. family court system and police are messed up and out childrens rights last. DNA rights first. And don’t give an iota about abuse patterns and who starts things. Yours supposed to shut up and absorb the insults while walking away

Record it too and try to get 100% custody or exchanges at the police station, etc. More PITA. Plus he can get it reversed in court 6 mos later. Over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want full custody this is the time. Abusive ex DHs are not going to receive sympathy from a judge.

Absolute baloney. Family court does not care about spousal abuse, especially without a restraining order or a conviction.

[Anonymous]

OP, in addition to school or public place pick up/drop off, you need to move to parallel parenting. Co-parenting is too much contact if there is an abusive parent. Use a system like family wizard to share info - calendar, expenses, pick up/drop off. Communicate by email and text only and preserve everything that was written.

Your kids should have a therapist for themselves. You should have one for yourself.

You can tell your kids clearly that it is not OK for adults to yell at each or speak meanly to each other, and that when Daddy does that it is OK for you to walk away from it. This is part of learning to regulate your emotions - everyone has to learn to do it. It is never OK to yell at someone, make fun of or belittle them or grab, hit or hurt someone. You can educate your kids about abuse by pointing it out in the environment around you and you don't have to name that Dad is doing it. You can simply say, "Dad was yelling at me. It's not OK to yell at people ever, so I walked away from him. Maybe we can talk when he calms himself down.

The worst thing you can do is pretend like the abuse isn't happening. This sends the aignal that yoh think it's normal.

[Anonymous]

Put cameras in your home and get a ring doorbell camera. The next time bozo gets abusive, you have proof.

Your ex is lying to his children about their mom. He’s trying to alienate your children from you. I wouldn’t play nice because he’s abusing your children emotionally.

It’s not good to allow him to do this because you don’t want to make it a legal issue or get law enforcement involved. He needs consequences now. He will manipulate your kids his entire life and they will grow up “mad” at you because your ex is a pos and a liar. Don’t let him continue op. You aren’t trying to hurt him or your children; he has no problem hurting the kids by abusing their mom and lying to them. You should call the police when it happens again. People who do what he’s doing aren’t ever going to stop.

This is a confusing and dangerous situation. I would consult an attorney and ask for advice, before I’d take advice from the internet. Your children’s lives and your safety should be protected with every legal action possible.