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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How old are your kids? If they are school aged, consider having parenting start at school pick up, and end at school drop off (this can work for weekends, and weeknights).

If the kids have clothes that fit at both houses, it shouldn't require packing.[/quote]

+1 to this above and also to earlier ideas re: Always have someone with you at every pickup or dropoff if you possibly can. Do them in a neutral public place like a parking lot, not at either home. Or do this school-to-school custody thing, above. Anything to be public and neutral in location, or avoid seeing each other entirely. I would not even want him coming NEAR my house even if the kids could walk to and from cars on their own. I know someone whose ex would observe what cars were there, or what the yard looked like, and come at the ex-DW with things like "Why was there a strange car parked around the corner, are you hiding that you're seeing someone?" and "The yard is horrible, clean it up, you're a slob" etc. Invasive, and an attempt to intimidate.

Also, there are online specialized systems that exes can use to communicate in a monitored setting--with some, a third party has to read every message that is exchanged to ensure there is no abuse in the written messages, and it's the only way the exes are allowed to communicate. There have been posts on DCUM about these kinds of systems, OP.

But overall--OP, please get an experienced attorney who has handled cases where an ex is abusive and volatile but there has never been reported physical abuse. Yu need someone to navigate this with and for you. It sounds as if you need a solid change to all dropoffs, pickups and communications, so you and he do not cross paths. I would also look into having language in a new agreement about not badmouthing each other to the kids--that can be hard to enforce but such language does exist in some custody agreements and gives you at least some leverage if he signs off on it but then starts to badmouth you.

Re: the kids thinking you're the bad guy -- are they in any kind of counseling? Are you? Can you also maybe join a support group of women dealing with abusive exes like you are and get ideas there for how to handle this with kids--? 
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