Abusive Ex, how to cope

[Anonymous]

My ex was very verbally and physically abusive when we were married. Eventually I got the courage to leave him. We have two kids and co-parent now. I try to put the past behind me and focus on raising the kids. The other day he snapped and raged at me in front of the kids and was being physically aggressive. All the horrible memories of living with him in fear and abuse came back. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I am dreading the next kid pick up.

[Anonymous]

Can you file for a restraining order? The court can order some kind of supervised transition, or transitions where you aren't involved (e.g. at school, or through a third party) as part of the restraining order.

If he was physically aggressive, did you file a police report?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you file for a restraining order? The court can order some kind of supervised transition, or transitions where you aren't involved (e.g. at school, or through a third party) as part of the restraining order.

If he was physically aggressive, did you file a police report?

I did not file a police report. it was not police report worthy. He was just very angry and yelling at me in front of my home. I asked him to stop and leave. He continued. I know what he is like when he is escalating to violence so I started to walk away from him to get distance because I was scared. Then he started following and trying to grab me and I had to lock myself in my car.

On top of all of this he was yelling so loud the kids heard from inside the house and were watching. They can tell I’ve not been friendly to their Dad after this. Like I haven’t been able to engage in convo with them about their dad. So on top of being afraid my kids are now pestering that I’m being mean to dad. They do not know that he used to beat me.

[Anonymous]

Can you exchange the kids in a neutral, public place? One of my neighbors got so fed up with her ex being terrible while exchanging the children, she had it written into the divorce decree that pick ups and drop offs would be at the local police station. It sounds extreme and traumatic, but you and the kids would be safer. Your ex sounds like he’s starting a campaign to make you the bad guy. Don’t let him do that.

[Anonymous]

If he's following you and grabbing at you, that IS police report worthy.

Are the kids old enough to get out of the car/walk to the car from house with you watching from inside?

You need to minimize contact with him. I do think you should talk to your lawyer about that.

[Anonymous]

You are going to need therapy to deal with this and set boundaries with him.

[Anonymous]

agree on the public handoff location.

Presuming the kids are old enough to walk from a car to a door with their stuff:
If you are dropping off, don't get out of your car. If he is dropping off, ask him to not get out of the car.

Don't communicate verbally if at all possible. Use text and grey rock.

Lastly, I'm sorry this is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:agree on the public handoff location.

Presuming the kids are old enough to walk from a car to a door with their stuff:
If you are dropping off, don't get out of your car. If he is dropping off, ask him to not get out of the car.

Don't communicate verbally if at all possible. Use text and grey rock.

Lastly, I'm sorry this is happening.

+1

If you can’t do a public handoff, make sure that you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

If you want full custody this is the time. Abusive ex DHs are not going to receive sympathy from a judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want full custody this is the time. Abusive ex DHs are not going to receive sympathy from a judge.

Disagree. Everyone claims abuse from spouse and it does not factor in custody decisions.

[Anonymous]

See if you can have someone with you and why not record the custody exchange. It should take 10-15 seconds max if you have the car door open.
Careful with claiming abuse- fall on empty ears. I stood in court black and blue and nobody cared.
And careful calling police. You both may be locked up. They have zero reason to figure out who started and will take you both. Happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want full custody this is the time. Abusive ex DHs are not going to receive sympathy from a judge.

Disagree. Everyone claims abuse from spouse and it does not factor in custody decisions.

For it to matter to courts, the police (or some other government entity) must be involved. And trust that cops are going to pretty much assume that you are manipulating the system, so even their involvement (short of you being hospitalized) is also not going to mean much unless they see a very one-sided interaction where your ex is threatening/physical.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? If they are school aged, consider having parenting start at school pick up, and end at school drop off (this can work for weekends, and weeknights).

If the kids have clothes that fit at both houses, it shouldn't require packing.

[Anonymous]

I would consider concealed carry if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would consider concealed carry if I were you.

[weird asterisks below in words are because the site claimed this was an "explicit" post and rejected it at first. I cannot figure what's "explicit" about the word "sh**t" or maybe it was g*n...)

NO.

Introducing a g*n into the equation could end up with his wresting it away and using it on her. Unless she is already trained and experienced handling it, and she is able physically to ward him off if he tries to take it. Even then, in the right (or wrong) circumstances, he could still get it away from her, then--God knows what.

Or he gets violent and she does use it on him. Guess who goes to jail then, even if she did it in self defense? Can she afford a great attorney to keep her out of prison? Can she feel assured the police would never, ever believe the ex over her? What if she s****s him in front of the kids? Will you, PP, be there to provide child care 24/7 while she's in a cell? Because even if it's clear self-defense, they're gonna jail her for at least a short time while they figure it out.

Or he finds out she has a g*n so he gets one too because he's nuts and vindictive. She will have no way to know if he keeps it unloaded and correctly stored in his home when the kids are there.

Or he finds out she has a g*n and he decides to use that fact to claim she's unfit or whatever, and he pursues more custody. Do NOT put it past men like this to use anything they can to punish their ex-wives, even if the wives' action is perfectly legal where the live. like concealed carry.