Was he sincere or have I been deceived?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met this guy online. We had been dating for 4 months. We're both 20. … We had sex after 2 months and he took my virginity. The sex happened only 2 times throughout the relationship (I was being cautious).

Whoa… during a two-month period when you saw each other multiple times a week you only had sex twice? And you’re 20? Figure out how this happened and you’ll see how the relationship went wrong.

[Anonymous]

It was 4 months in total. Yeah, only 2 times because I was cautious. It was my first relationship & he didn't even label it so I stopped having sex at a certain point. Something was not right & I should've waited for clear commitment.

[Anonymous]

If you weren’t having sex with him then he was most likely getting it somewhere else. This doesn’t sound like a real relationship. Move on.

[Anonymous]

God, I don't miss my 20s AT. ALL.

Okay, you both sound stupid immature, but... The teal deer is this: you can only control yourself. So if you want more time than he's offering, there's your answer. Move on and find someone more compatible with your wants/needs.

The longer answer is: you both sound trainwrecky. "with drinking and a club included like they’ve been doing for years" he's 20? For years? Like, I remember my 20s, kinda... this isn't healthy behavior. "tempting circumstances to cheat" Sweetie, people who aren't cheaters can't be tempted, and people who cheat don't need temptation. He's either loyal or he's not; nobody manipulates you into cheating if you have standards (which, at 20, maybe they're not fully formed yet).

"We had sex after 2 months and he took my virginity. The sex happened only 2 times throughout the relationship (I was being cautious)." Virginity is a stupid concept, though I recognize it may have made this person seem more special to you than he actually is. He's just a guy, it's just a dick, this isn't magic.

"Personally it’s also too long for me to be left for 2 weeks. A few days is fine but not that long." What are you, a houseplant? You need your own life, not some man to make demands of. Care about yourself and you'll be fine for an entire single lifetime. God forbid your future spouse (if any) is ever deployed...

You need to spend more time being okay with and by yourself before you get into a relationship, OP. You seem incredibly needy, and it's nobody's job to take care of you, please you, support you, etc. As for what kind of person he was as a partner: smart enough to dump someone who started giving ultimatums that kept him from his friends after a brief 2 month courtship, but he might not have dumped you if you hadn't basically asked for it by all-but-dumping him first. He may or may not have been sincere, but you weren't. You weren't at all interested in a relationship, you were interested in "being loved" according to some weird, delusional metric that seems to equate to "I get my way all the time or he doesn't love me."

And this is disgustingly homophobic: "I had several other remarks about some of his behaviors and he usually apologized. I suspected him of being gay (he wasn’t very affectionate and he had some feminine mannerisms). We talked it out and he said he was straight."

I'm glad he left you. Good for him. While he may not have been perfect, as a simple human being, he deserved better than this crazy mess!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he was honest all along but you didn’t want to believe him.

[Anonymous]

You are 20, it was a few months, let it go and never call him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He didn't gaslight you. And you ran him off. I've been with my DH 20 years and he takes a guys trip with his friends every year, and I've never been concerned. In fact I'm glad he's had such good friends for so long. You need to grow up or you will ruin every potential relationship -- two weeks is too long for you to be "left"? What? Are you 6yrs old and he's your dad? Grow up.

+1 he learned more about you and decided he didn’t like what he saw. Happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You need to spend more time being okay with and by yourself before you get into a relationship, OP. You seem incredibly needy, and it's nobody's job to take care of you, please you, support you, etc. As for what kind of person he was as a partner: smart enough to dump someone who started giving ultimatums that kept him from his friends after a brief 2 month courtship, but he might not have dumped you if you hadn't basically asked for it by all-but-dumping him first. He may or may not have been sincere, but you weren't. You weren't at all interested in a relationship, you were interested in "being loved" according to some weird, delusional metric that seems to equate to "I get my way all the time or he doesn't love me."


I'm glad he left you. Good for him. While he may not have been perfect, as a simple human being, he deserved better than this crazy mess!

And what kind of person was he? A selfish prick with no concern for the other's feelings & no respect, who treats a woman he's been seeing for 4 months like his girlfriend but with no title, dangling it in front of her like a carrot. If he cannot sacrifice from time to time to calm his girl then what does it say about his feelings for me? What kind of man puts their friends first? One who treats a girl as a matter of convenience rather than a serious partner.

[Anonymous]

If he knew you were a virgin then I think he acted badly to sleep with you and then act shocked that you thought it was the clinching act that moved you from dating to together. If he didn't know that, then literally every step of the way you behaved in an overly needy and demanding manner for the length of time you've known this person. Texting all the time is not love, and travelling with friends without the person you met online last month is not a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You need to spend more time being okay with and by yourself before you get into a relationship, OP. You seem incredibly needy, and it's nobody's job to take care of you, please you, support you, etc. As for what kind of person he was as a partner: smart enough to dump someone who started giving ultimatums that kept him from his friends after a brief 2 month courtship, but he might not have dumped you if you hadn't basically asked for it by all-but-dumping him first. He may or may not have been sincere, but you weren't. You weren't at all interested in a relationship, you were interested in "being loved" according to some weird, delusional metric that seems to equate to "I get my way all the time or he doesn't love me."


I'm glad he left you. Good for him. While he may not have been perfect, as a simple human being, he deserved better than this crazy mess!

And what kind of person was he? A selfish prick with no concern for the other's feelings & no respect, who treats a woman he's been seeing for 4 months like his girlfriend but with no title, dangling it in front of her like a carrot. If he cannot sacrifice from time to time to calm his girl then what does it say about his feelings for me? What kind of man puts their friends first? One who treats a girl as a matter of convenience rather than a serious partner.

This is the most obscene projection of your own morals/standards onto another human being. Even the OP makes it clear that at no point in time did this guy call her his GF, and he repeatedly indicated, and outright stated, that they were not BF/GF. That she wanted it to be so doesn't make it so; he gets to have this little thing called "agency" over his own life, and he's not required to be her BF just because she wants it. Which is pretty much the entire theme of Veruca's rant here: she wants what she wants and she wants it now, or she's going to scream, flounce, unfriend, and otherwise act like a whiny brat.

"If he cannot sacrifice from time to time to calm his girl" OP is not his girl, and he's made that quite clear. She's "a girl", not his betrothed or some other delulu romance novel nonsense.

"What kind of man puts their friends first?" Was OP in labor or some other detail I missed?

If this is you, OP (and it sure sounds like your whinging): flip your script. What kind of girlfriend makes this many demands on a man she allegedly loves? What kind of woman feels entitled to control a man's friendships instead of controlling her own emotions? What kind of woman uses a status the man has already expressed a lack of interested in as a moldy carrot, and then claims he's gay when he won't jump through her hoops?

"A selfish prick with no concern for the other's feelings & no respect" indeed. One who treats a man as an object of servitude rather than a serious partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is the most obscene projection of your own morals/standards onto another human being. Even the OP makes it clear that at no point in time did this guy call her his GF, and he repeatedly indicated, and outright stated, that they were not BF/GF. That she wanted it to be so doesn't make it so; he gets to have this little thing called "agency" over his own life, and he's not required to be her BF just because she wants it. Which is pretty much the entire theme of Veruca's rant here: she wants what she wants and she wants it now, or she's going to scream, flounce, unfriend, and otherwise act like a whiny brat.

"If he cannot sacrifice from time to time to calm his girl" OP is not his girl, and he's made that quite clear. She's "a girl", not his betrothed or some other delulu romance novel nonsense.

"What kind of man puts their friends first?" Was OP in labor or some other detail I missed?

If this is you, OP (and it sure sounds like your whinging): flip your script. What kind of girlfriend makes this many demands on a man she allegedly loves? What kind of woman feels entitled to control a man's friendships instead of controlling her own emotions? What kind of woman uses a status the man has already expressed a lack of interested in as a moldy carrot, and then claims he's gay when he won't jump through her hoops?

"A selfish prick with no concern for the other's feelings & no respect" indeed. One who treats a man as an object of servitude rather than a serious partner.

He knew right from the start what I wanted. He should've removed himself from my life if he didn't want me as his gf. Instead, he chose to continue using me with no commitment, stealing my emotional energy, throwing out some 'wife' hooks to keep me around. Predatory male methodology.

"This many demands" - I disagree. It's a reasonable amount. Thinking he's gay was not about the status or lack thereof, but about coldness & lack of affection. He had me whenever he wanted. I was a 'partner' until more attractive companionship came along. Or rather, I was a partner and wasn't one, depending on his needs. Nowadays people only think about their freedom and fun, with no consideration for the other. Then we wonder how there's so many divorces. A paradise for a man, no requirements or expectations, only pleasures at the expense of another.

A mature relationship is about two people supporting and helping each other and being there for each other in difficult times. It's about partnership, not about one person having fun and the other sitting at home with their problems. The woman is a second-class citizen and the man enjoys her from time to time when he can't keep it in his trousers anymore. Now that's true love, take note everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is the most obscene projection of your own morals/standards onto another human being. Even the OP makes it clear that at no point in time did this guy call her his GF, and he repeatedly indicated, and outright stated, that they were not BF/GF. That she wanted it to be so doesn't make it so; he gets to have this little thing called "agency" over his own life, and he's not required to be her BF just because she wants it. Which is pretty much the entire theme of Veruca's rant here: she wants what she wants and she wants it now, or she's going to scream, flounce, unfriend, and otherwise act like a whiny brat.

"If he cannot sacrifice from time to time to calm his girl" OP is not his girl, and he's made that quite clear. She's "a girl", not his betrothed or some other delulu romance novel nonsense.

"What kind of man puts their friends first?" Was OP in labor or some other detail I missed?

If this is you, OP (and it sure sounds like your whinging): flip your script. What kind of girlfriend makes this many demands on a man she allegedly loves? What kind of woman feels entitled to control a man's friendships instead of controlling her own emotions? What kind of woman uses a status the man has already expressed a lack of interested in as a moldy carrot, and then claims he's gay when he won't jump through her hoops?

"A selfish prick with no concern for the other's feelings & no respect" indeed. One who treats a man as an object of servitude rather than a serious partner.

He knew right from the start what I wanted. He should've removed himself from my life if he didn't want me as his gf. Instead, he chose to continue using me with no commitment, stealing my emotional energy, throwing out some 'wife' hooks to keep me around. Predatory male methodology.

"This many demands" - I disagree. It's a reasonable amount. Thinking he's gay was not about the status or lack thereof, but about coldness & lack of affection. He had me whenever he wanted. I was a 'partner' until more attractive companionship came along. Or rather, I was a partner and wasn't one, depending on his needs. Nowadays people only think about their freedom and fun, with no consideration for the other. Then we wonder how there's so many divorces. A paradise for a man, no requirements or expectations, only pleasures at the expense of another.

A mature relationship is about two people supporting and helping each other and being there for each other in difficult times. It's about partnership, not about one person having fun and the other sitting at home with their problems. The woman is a second-class citizen and the man enjoys her from time to time when he can't keep it in his trousers anymore. Now that's true love, take note everyone.

OMFG, staaaaahp!

Nobody "stole your energy". You knew you had a no-commitment dynamic, and you kept engaging. If you don't like what you're getting, disengage. Nothing about what you've posted seems at all "predatory". He was upfront with you about not wanting monogamy, and kept it casual throughout. That's consistent, despite it being consistently not what you wanted. This victim narrative crap is what's gonna keep you stuck in a misery of your own making.

And it's rich, RICH, for you to say things about how "people only think about their freedom and fun, with no consideration for the other" while asking your not-boyfriend to blow off a regularly-scheduled, traditional trip with his friends because after 4 months of dating you were so leechlike you couldn't detach for two weeks.

You are myopically self-absorbed, which tracks for a 20-something, but.. LEARN! Turning this into some man-hating screed about women being second-class citizens is nothing more than a weak attempt to duck responsibility for your own choices. This guy hasn't been giving you what you've wanted for a very long time now.

Move. On.

Jaysus... Have some self-respect!!! If your energy isn't appreciated and reciprocated, ask yourself why and move it somewhere that might be a better fit. Stop demanding that other people center you because you can't/won't take care of your damned self!

Gross.