Was he sincere or have I been deceived?

[Anonymous]

I met this guy online. We had been dating for 4 months. We're both 20. Everything was going almost perfectly fine, he was texting me a lot, calling, setting up dates etc. He said he had never felt so good with anyone before. He mentioned us being in a relationship in the future & formed the impression that we were in an exclusive relationship but never outwardly & clearly asked me to be his girlfriend. He said ‘for us to blah blah (I don’t remember at this point) we would have to be in a relationship’ and then he added ‘but when we get into one in the future, we will (…)’. I said ‘then let’s say we are in one’ (yeah, a bit ambiguous but he didn’t comment on that). I was sure we were together. He mentioned early on he would be open to a threesome but dropped the topic and apologized after I said I was not interested in it at all. He said he wouldn’t cheat on me & that he uninstalled the app. During our early dates he made sexual innuendos and jokes & he complimented my looks. We had sex after 2 months and he took my virginity. The sex happened only 2 times throughout the relationship (I was being cautious).


The thing that bothered me was that he was constantly travelling without me, either with his friends or family. I started arguing more. Fast forward 2 months later I started a second argument about him planning to go away for a 2-week long trip to the seaside with his friends without me, with drinking and a club included like they’ve been doing for years. I told him he should compromise and either take me for that holiday or not go as these are tempting circumstances to cheat. Personally it’s also too long for me to be left for 2 weeks. A few days is fine but not that long. I had several other remarks about some of his behaviors and he usually apologized. I suspected him of being gay (he wasn’t very affectionate and he had some feminine mannerisms). We talked it out and he said he was straight.


I said someone who loves his girlfriend would take her with him. He was like ‘you’re not my girlfriend’, ‘we’re not together yet, we’re still seeing each other because we’re not close enough & we haven’t had that talk and you don’t trust me’, and that we’re not officially a couple yet. I feel like he gaslighted me since he said we were seeing each other once a week or even less, which is completely untrue (it was 2-3 times per week). He said we weren’t texting regularly but we were. He said he felt uncomfortable with me treating it as if we’re a boyfriend & girlfriend because ‘it’s not at that level of closeness’ & that he didn’t like such control. He told me he hasn’t asked me to be official because I didn’t trust him & because we weren’t seeing each other, texting and calling enough. He even agreed that me stopping him from going on the holiday would make sense if we were officially together. Aren’t all of these just excuses though..?


He also added ‘it’s too soon for me to love, I need time’. What?? I was very hurt by these comments, ignored him and unfriended him on social media. After two weeks I contacted him with an ultimatum ‘either we’re officially together or not’. I told him it seems like using me for sex. He tried to put it on me saying ‘you were the one who initiated it & I wasn’t ready’. That’s bullshit! I only initiated the topic but he was the one who ‘materialized’ sex the next time. Then he said ‘after all of this I don’t see the prospect of a serious relationship’.


He had been acting like he was into me all these months before I started the second argument. It’s so painful because he had planned stuff with me, had called, texted a lot, had introduced me to his friends and talked about me hypothetically being his wife. We had so much in common. Was this guy sincere or not? Was he only after sex? I think he also lied to me about being a virgin (he said he had been with many girls but didn’t sleep with anyone before me). I honestly doubt it. Now he’s seeing someone else.

[Anonymous]

You intentionally started trouble for no reason. He doesn't want the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You intentionally started trouble for no reason. He doesn't want the drama.

It wasn't for no reason. Anything can happen on such holiday and you can never trust anyone 100%.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship. Learn and move on. He's gone. Stop obsessing over him.

[Anonymous]

Besides, he said I wasn't his gf. I don't get it because we'd been dating & sleeping together for months. Earlier he had mentioned we'd be in a relationship & suddenly he has lost all feelings? It makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

He didn't gaslight you. And you ran him off. I've been with my DH 20 years and he takes a guys trip with his friends every year, and I've never been concerned. In fact I'm glad he's had such good friends for so long. You need to grow up or you will ruin every potential relationship -- two weeks is too long for you to be "left"? What? Are you 6yrs old and he's your dad? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. I think you need to move on from him.

[Anonymous]

You’re too needy. He’s a man whore. You’re young, find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He didn't gaslight you. And you ran him off. I've been with my DH 20 years and he takes a guys trip with his friends every year, and I've never been concerned. In fact I'm glad he's had such good friends for so long. You need to grow up or you will ruin every potential relationship -- two weeks is too long for you to be "left"? What? Are you 6yrs old and he's your dad? Grow up.

He did. He was saying false stuff about seeing each other less than once a week and not texting regularly. It was the opposite. Also, I wouldn't want him to come back from the holiday only for me to constantly wonder whether he cheated there or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He didn't gaslight you. And you ran him off. I've been with my DH 20 years and he takes a guys trip with his friends every year, and I've never been concerned. In fact I'm glad he's had such good friends for so long. You need to grow up or you will ruin every potential relationship -- two weeks is too long for you to be "left"? What? Are you 6yrs old and he's your dad? Grow up.

He did. He was saying false stuff about seeing each other less than once a week and not texting regularly. It was the opposite. Also, I wouldn't want him to come back from the holiday only for me to constantly wonder whether he cheated there or not.

Well if you can't trust him to go away without cheating on you, then he is the wrong guy for you. It is perfectly normal for 20 year olds to want to go on a guys vacation.

[Anonymous]

The relationship sounds like it was too rocky and so he decided he was going to keep playing the field and keep you on the back burner. You were not entirely ruled out, but his later behavior seems to say he’s not that into you.

[Anonymous]

I disagree, the fact he led you to believe that it was a good idea to sleep with him then backtracks?. No sense of decency or respect. You should run.
Also, normally would be perfectly ok for an SO to go on a trip without you, but you should feel good about the relationship, and he isn’t making you feel comfortable at all. Get away from this guy.

[Anonymous]

End this relationship. It is not a relationship. Don’t have sex if you do not have a girlfriend label.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He mentioned early on he would be open to a threesome but dropped the topic and apologized after I said I was not interested in it at all.

Sounds like you were never a good long-term fit! He figured that out right away. It's probably about time for you to figure that out, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He didn't gaslight you. And you ran him off. I've been with my DH 20 years and he takes a guys trip with his friends every year, and I've never been concerned. In fact I'm glad he's had such good friends for so long. You need to grow up or you will ruin every potential relationship -- two weeks is too long for you to be "left"? What? Are you 6yrs old and he's your dad? Grow up.

He did. He was saying false stuff about seeing each other less than once a week and not texting regularly. It was the opposite. Also, I wouldn't want him to come back from the holiday only for me to constantly wonder whether he cheated there or not.

This obsession over cheating on a vacay is immature and controlling. If you can't handle someone going on a trip with their friends, you can't handle a relationship.