Consumed by regret

[Anonymous]

op here-i know...in all the instances if feel like I was genuinely trying to help her and help her do what was best for herself and then I find myself in this place of having no comprehension of what I was thinking. like how could I make such horrible mistakes?

[Anonymous]

Oh yes!
Here's what helped me: prayer, confession
Spending time and money to help them launch, with attention and focus, when they were adults. Cheering their successes.

My parents helped me a lot when I was in my late 20s and it was exactly what I needed, but was the opposite of "tough love." I so appreciated it and have tried to do the same.

I think about how I want to be remembered when I die and try to act accordingly.

Took me several years to forgive myself. It's not as easy as saying you should.
It takes work and time but it's worth it. It's never too late, most of the time. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-you are so kind to give such caring advice. I feel like I helped my daughter make a last minute roommate change and that got her on the outs regarding the sorority. of course I have no idea if that's true but keep thinking about it and feel so mad at myself and so regretful.

Maybe you did prevent her from getting into the sorority.

But maybe the sorority wouldn't have been a great place for her. Maybe you actually helped her, even if she doesn't realize it now.

It's OK OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother suffered a fall and broke her ankle in 2018. She refused surgery and I did not want to poke the bear, so I left it at that - no physical therapy, just left the leg to heal. Years later, her leg is over-pronated, she has suffered about 4 falls, she finds it difficult to walk.
she also just got diagnosed with vestibular schwannoma which is messing up her balance. I am doing as much research as I can to help her make the best decision.

I am consumed with regret daily for not caring about her choices with her leg and at least convincing her to do something about it. I don't think she would have as much balance issues as she is having now if she treated the broken ankle.

But she had refused; it was her choice to make. I’m certain her physicians at the time informed her of the consequences of doing nothing, and even if they hadn’t, she opted to put her head in the sand. What makes you think you could’ve had an impact on her decision-making at the time?The extremity of her behavior reflects that your two cents would have been ineffective at best. You had a reason not to “poke the bear” at the time and I highly doubt it was as simple as “not caring about her choices about her leg.”

Regardless - we change the past - it does not benefit you or your mother to live in regret. She alone made the choice not to treat her original injury. And there was a chance it would’ve worked out; none of us have a crystal ball.

Let it go, or get some CBT to help do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-you are so kind to give such caring advice. I feel like I helped my daughter make a last minute roommate change and that got her on the outs regarding the sorority. of course I have no idea if that's true but keep thinking about it and feel so mad at myself and so regretful.

This degree of worrying sounds like OCD. Ruminating upon “if I hadn’t done A, then B wouldn’t have happened” again and again to the point of suffering and paralysis. And catastrophizing the outcome, as if it’s not just one of many disappointments or bumps in the road that all human beings face. You have to have some faith in your DC that they can pick themselves back up and find a new path. We learn from our failures and deviations from our goals; it’s part of growth.

[Anonymous]

Also - if you had NOT intervened with the roommate situation and she had gotten into the sorority, and it had been a terrible experience, you would been consumed with regret as well. There’s NO way to predict the future or know what would’ve been in the path not taken - your regrets are actually the product of pure fantasy and fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here-i know...in all the instances if feel like I was genuinely trying to help her and help her do what was best for herself and then I find myself in this place of having no comprehension of what I was thinking. like how could I make such horrible mistakes?

You do not know that they were mistakes. Her fate is not sealed. You are absolutely catastrophizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother suffered a fall and broke her ankle in 2018. She refused surgery and I did not want to poke the bear, so I left it at that - no physical therapy, just left the leg to heal. Years later, her leg is over-pronated, she has suffered about 4 falls, she finds it difficult to walk.
she also just got diagnosed with vestibular schwannoma which is messing up her balance. I am doing as much research as I can to help her make the best decision.

I am consumed with regret daily for not caring about her choices with her leg and at least convincing her to do something about it. I don't think she would have as much balance issues as she is having now if she treated the broken ankle.

But she had refused; it was her choice to make. I’m certain her physicians at the time informed her of the consequences of doing nothing, and even if they hadn’t, she opted to put her head in the sand. What makes you think you could’ve had an impact on her decision-making at the time?The extremity of her behavior reflects that your two cents would have been ineffective at best. You had a reason not to “poke the bear” at the time and I highly doubt it was as simple as “not caring about her choices about her leg.”

Regardless - we change the past - it does not benefit you or your mother to live in regret. She alone made the choice not to treat her original injury. And there was a chance it would’ve worked out; none of us have a crystal ball.

Let it go, or get some CBT to help do so.

^meant - we CANNOT change the past

[Anonymous]

We need to stop trying to be responsible for other people’s decisions. OP- you guided your daughter in a way where you honestly thought the best course of action was but it didn’t work out like you expected. She still made the decision to do whatever she did. And PP with the mom- your mom is a grown woman and unless she was cognitively unable to make an informed decision about her leg you can only do what you can do.

My mom tore her rotator cuff several years ago and got surgery but absolutely refused to listen to anyone about letting it heal. Not me, not the PT, not the doctor. The doctor finally gave up and told her that he did his job well and if she didn’t follow through with the recommendations after surgery it would never heal properly and her arm would end up basically useless in addition to painful. My mom knew better and finally told me that she understood the consequences, her body “healed faster” than everyone else and she didn’t believe the doctor and thought he was exaggerating. So I let her be. And guess what, her shoulder never healed, it causes her daily pain and she likes fo complain about it constantly. At the time she was fully cognizant. Her body, her choice. Sometimes people need to take responsibility for themselves.

Bottom line OP, whatever path she ends up on is the path she was meant to be on. You can’t take responsibility for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-you are so kind to give such caring advice. I feel like I helped my daughter make a last minute roommate change and that got her on the outs regarding the sorority. of course I have no idea if that's true but keep thinking about it and feel so mad at myself and so regretful.

This degree of worrying sounds like OCD. Ruminating upon “if I hadn’t done A, then B wouldn’t have happened” again and again to the point of suffering and paralysis. And catastrophizing the outcome, as if it’s not just one of many disappointments or bumps in the road that all human beings face. You have to have some faith in your DC that they can pick themselves back up and find a new path. We learn from our failures and deviations from our goals; it’s part of growth.

Op here— yes, this is precisely exactly correct! But I can’t seem to stop

[Anonymous]

OP, I think maybe it's time to be less involved in your children's lives, now that they are in college? So, don't regret it, but take it as a sign to slowly step back. Then you can't be blamed by the things that happen to them.

As for me, I tend not to regret things, because hindsight is 20/20, and I recognize that there were things I just didn't know/realize at the time of a particular decision, that I know now. Had I been omniscient, I would have made other choices, yes, but the important thing is to learn from your experience, not make same mistakes over and over.

[Anonymous]

I'm not consumed by it, but I do regret not intervening more actively in my mom's financial affairs before she crashed and burned (bankruptcy, foreclosure). However, I know she would have strongly resisted me - in particular, she wouldn't have given me total control over her finances as she had to do after she crashed and burned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-you are so kind to give such caring advice. I feel like I helped my daughter make a last minute roommate change and that got her on the outs regarding the sorority. of course I have no idea if that's true but keep thinking about it and feel so mad at myself and so regretful.

What strikes me is that you seem really involved in the adult life of your daughter. What about your own life? Shouldn't this now be the time to focus on yourself?

The mind tends to consume itself in regret, etc., when it is not in the present moment. Just remember that every moment you spend ruminating is a moment that you aren't fully living. How can you be if your mind is off in an imaginary world?

Don't be on your deathbed regretting how you didn't live because you were too busy in your mind and not in the real world.

[Anonymous]

I just tell my kid I made all those mistakes so you’re kinder to yourself and your spouse when you make mistakes.

Yea I made mistakes.

That’s life.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP is struggling with control. I have been working on giving my kids and elderly parents the freedom to make their own bad choices and to experience the consequences of doing so. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes.