Cousin dating someone who is brown/black and from a different social class and I want to make sure he feels comfortable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin's new wife made wisecrack about it not being easy to be the dumb ones in the family and it went a touch past wry. They work in the restaurant business and all the rest of us have BAs and most grad degrees.

We cannot fix their intellectual insecurity. Nor is it easy to find common topics of discussion. I think it's best to keep things light and breezy...watching movies together, playing games, making meals, etc. My cousin elected to be a college dropout - it's not an issue of finances or other bad luck. No idea of the wife's background beyond a sense that her family is LMC.

I recommend avoiding humblebragging, no talking about academically-achieving kids, real estate, stock market, luxury cars, etc. Basically topics you'd see on DCUM.

I also gave them a nice cash wedding gift, traveled to the wedding, and sent a little follow-up joke gift along with a registry item in hopes that she'd realize I want to be considered a "nice cousin".

Finally, even if he's just awkwardly watching, he will undoubtedly be debriefing with his gf, and she should guide him on how to fit in and be comfortable as time goes on.

Ok now this is odd. One of my good friends is a chef and through her, I've met many of her restaurant industry friends from kitchen help, chefs, servers to general managers. Not to mention all the other people I've known in the restaurant industry. Working in a restaurant does not mean you're an idiot. These people like... Read books and watch trending shows and go to concerts and raise kids and have families and have hobbies and watch the news and... and... And. You get picture. Why do you struggle to find common topics of discussion? This sounds like your problem not theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re lucky to have a pretty geographically and emotionally tight family, so I see my aunt and (grown) cousins pretty frequently. My 25yo cousin is dating a Latino guy who is an associate at a big box retailer. Our family is first generation from Europe and the Middle East. We’re a mix of folks who are white-ish. Some people are white and some are middle eastern w one white/Western European parent. We all went to college or have our masters and live in a HCOL area where we live comfortably and travel and talk about new restaurants or whatever, but walk into any area of upper NW and listen in and that’s (in broad strokes) who we are.

My cousins boyfriend is soooo quiet around us and timid and just seems really like a duck out of water. Once I got him going at a family wedding and he relaxed and had fun, but still I mean this guy was at a tent wedding in Newport looking around like wtf.

He’s been around for a while and you just have to take my word that we are totally inclusive and accepting of him—lots of big hugs when he walks in, assuming he’s added to the guest list of any hang, etc etc. But he still feels so shy around us and I get why.

Has anyone been him before and have advice for me on behavior or ideas of how I might double down on helping him feeling comfortable? I’m 20 years older then the kid, I mean I’m not his bestie, but pretty sure he’s here for the long haul and I’m committing to do my part to make sure that I’m making him feel accepted and included. What helped you when you were in this situation?

You’re family is first generation with some of you from the Middle East. Some of you should know what it’s like to be the outsider. Of all people, immigrants like your family members, specifically the ones from the Middle East have had to be uncomfortable at some point. The way some Americans treat immigrants is a disgrace.

My family includes all types of people from low income to college educated middle class to the oldest generation in the 1% income level. So we are comfortable with people. My dd has had a fiancée for five years who is undocumented from South America and lives in a Latino neighborhood where Spanish is the primary language. He came over as a child, the usual hardships of crossing in. They broke up but we have good memories.

We all liked him. He was articulate, friendly, funny, well dressed. It wasn’t all that unusual that someone worked in a restaurant like he did so there were no issues on where people worked.

The only way your cousin’s boyfriend would be uncomfortable is if you see him as being some kind of different species. Or if your family somehow felt superior. If you all have been treating him like you treat everyone else it shouldn’t be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin's new wife made wisecrack about it not being easy to be the dumb ones in the family and it went a touch past wry. They work in the restaurant business and all the rest of us have BAs and most grad degrees.

We cannot fix their intellectual insecurity. Nor is it easy to find common topics of discussion. I think it's best to keep things light and breezy...watching movies together, playing games, making meals, etc. My cousin elected to be a college dropout - it's not an issue of finances or other bad luck. No idea of the wife's background beyond a sense that her family is LMC.

I recommend avoiding humblebragging, no talking about academically-achieving kids, real estate, stock market, luxury cars, etc. Basically topics you'd see on DCUM.

I also gave them a nice cash wedding gift, traveled to the wedding, and sent a little follow-up joke gift along with a registry item in hopes that she'd realize I want to be considered a "nice cousin".

Finally, even if he's just awkwardly watching, he will undoubtedly be debriefing with his gf, and she should guide him on how to fit in and be comfortable as time goes on.

Ok now this is odd. One of my good friends is a chef and through her, I've met many of her restaurant industry friends from kitchen help, chefs, servers to general managers. Not to mention all the other people I've known in the restaurant industry. Working in a restaurant does not mean you're an idiot. These people like... Read books and watch trending shows and go to concerts and raise kids and have families and have hobbies and watch the news and... and... And. You get picture. Why do you struggle to find common topics of discussion? This sounds like your problem not theirs.

PP. I've only met them a couple of times. The wife is shy and insecure from what I can tell. With their restaurant friends that I met in and around the wedding, they mostly joke about in-joke stuff from their work. And yes, they talk about food and making food. I can talk about that but frankly I don't know much to have a convo about it at any real level. They don't have kids...they just got married. My cousin is almost 2 decades younger than me and also quiet. That basically explains it.

[Anonymous]

^ met them as a couple.

[Anonymous]

You’re assuming so very much, OP! I think you’re assuming that he’s quiet because he’s Latino and works at a big box store? Couldn’t be he quiet because that’s just his personality? Or, and I hesitate to suggest this because I want you to like him, but because he doesn’t like you very much? You’re obviously VERY status conscious. Maybe he’s not, and he doesn’t enjoy being around you. Either way, it’s not your job to get him to open up or get him to relax. That’s such a huge boundary violation. Just be warm and friendly and START BEING NONJUDGMENTAL. And don’t worry about him.

[Anonymous]

Treat people the way you want to be treated.
The golden rule works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can double down on working on yourself. You refer to him as a "duck out of water" (which comes across as rude). You say he feels shy (who are you to say how he feels?). You call a 25-year-old man a kid.

You may think you're being a welcoming, cool older cousin, but in your writing you come across as disdainful and supercilious. It wouldn't surprise me if you come across as the same way to him in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a white person I would consider all of y’all to be mon white but wouldn’t treat you any different and I think it’s pretty weird that you measure by degrees who is white adjacent.

You don’t think Middle Eastern people are white?

[Anonymous]

There is an ick savior vibe to this thread, be nice and polite otherwise myob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re lucky to have a pretty geographically and emotionally tight family, so I see my aunt and (grown) cousins pretty frequently. My 25yo cousin is dating a Latino guy who is an associate at a big box retailer. Our family is first generation from Europe and the Middle East. We’re a mix of folks who are white-ish. Some people are white and some are middle eastern w one white/Western European parent. We all went to college or have our masters and live in a HCOL area where we live comfortably and travel and talk about new restaurants or whatever, but walk into any area of upper NW and listen in and that’s (in broad strokes) who we are.

My cousins boyfriend is soooo quiet around us and timid and just seems really like a duck out of water. Once I got him going at a family wedding and he relaxed and had fun, but still I mean this guy was at a tent wedding in Newport looking around like wtf.

He’s been around for a while and you just have to take my word that we are totally inclusive and accepting of him—lots of big hugs when he walks in, assuming he’s added to the guest list of any hang, etc etc. But he still feels so shy around us and I get why.

Has anyone been him before and have advice for me on behavior or ideas of how I might double down on helping him feeling comfortable? I’m 20 years older then the kid, I mean I’m not his bestie, but pretty sure he’s here for the long haul and I’m committing to do my part to make sure that I’m making him feel accepted and included. What helped you when you were in this situation?

I have found that treating everyone as I would wish to be treated never fails. I have a friend whose father is listed on Forbes 900 and my family is comfortable middle class. We treat each other as we would wish to be treated. I also have a friend who went no further in school than high school but she is also one of the smartest people I know. The Golden Rule always applies in every aspect of life

[Anonymous]

Perhaps if you could introduce him to things that are culturally more familiar to him. Has anyone shown him the shed with all the landscaping equipment yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps if you could introduce him to things that are culturally more familiar to him. Has anyone shown him the shed with all the landscaping equipment yet?

Miss Condescending horse's patoot has chimed in. She, of the first generation of her family to bathe more than once a week and to wear shoes everyday!

[Anonymous]

All humans understands kindness and respect.

[Anonymous]

Give him time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s simply the dynamics of your extended family. I like being around my DH’s family in smaller groups but find all 16 of them together overwhelming. There are some pretty established patterns of behaviour in terms of who dominates, the volume soars and the conversations tend to mostly be with a much wider group with few one on ones or twos. I love them all but it’s hard to get a word in edgewise when they are a group.