Cousin dating someone who is brown/black and from a different social class and I want to make sure he feels comfortable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is an ick savior vibe to this thread, be nice and polite otherwise myob.

+1. No need to feel sorry for the quiet "brown kid".

[Anonymous]

Not sure if I buy this story. Being in my mid 40s too, the one thing I've witnessed in life is that it's very, very, very rare and unusual for a girl from the educated upper middle to upper classes to be dating a big box store worker without a degree That's the stuff of fantasy, not real life. Taking him to weddings in Newport? Ok, nice story you have going there.

Good luck with your romance novel.

[Anonymous]

Don’t say how much you like black/brown food and music.

Just treat them like any new person you’re meeting.

[Anonymous]

Get to know him 1:1. Big groups are intimidating. Invite him for dinner, to a baseball game, etc without other family members. It’s so much less intimidating. He can bring your cousin along so he has a “safe” person. My son’s girlfriend of 2 years avoids all family gatherings. I’ve had to accept that the relationship with our family will develop slowly. We try to extend invitations now that don’t include extended relatives but just our nuclear family. I’m not sure if it’s the cultural differences, personality or anxiety that makes her uncomfortable but I feel the best thing we can do is meet her where she’s at. So when we see her, we try to steer conversation towards topics she’s interested in. We do the same with our daughter’s boyfriend who loves to talk to me about cars, his friends, work, etc. He and I have totally different backgrounds but I love the kid because he loves my daughter and is always super respectful. I just think about how I’d want another family to welcome my son or daughter and what would make them most comfortable.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so classist and racist it has to be a troll right?

Any bets on if the OP leans right or left?

[Anonymous]

Leave the poor guy alone. You are insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"20 years older than the kid"

Op, is he a kid? It sounds like you are uncomfortable with a lower class brown/black person at your family events despite your emphatic statements about being "welcoming" and "inclusive"

I’m 45, he’s 25.

I think my post is pretty clear. I’m not uncomfortable. He seems to be though. And the feeling of being the odd man out is universal. However, because of some of the dynamics at play I am super open that there could be ways of making him feel comfortable that I have not thought about yet. I named the specifically the background context in case that was relevant to anyone’s weighing in.

DP. Do not make this young man your project.

Seriously. What a bizarre post. OP is a racist weirdo.

[Anonymous]

I should have said a weird, racist, condescending weirdo or a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too. Much. Pressure.

It sounds like the family is already warm and welcoming. Maybe the BF is naturally reserved. Either way it is in no way your job to make sure this "Latino guy" feels at ease beyond being nice to him when you see him at gatherings.

Didn't even read every detail; unless he just arrived in the country and needs help translating what you are saying...by thinking you are well meaning you are 'othering' him. Don't make assumptions bec he has a different background than you. It's stereotyping, unfortunately. Treat him like you would treat anyone else and feel good about being yourself.

[Anonymous]

There are so many things wrong with this post I don’t know where to start. As a MEer myself I assure that most folks would put you in the brown/black category. Just leave the guy alone, he is shy, you all sound like you have big personalities nit everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a white person I would consider all of y’all to be mon white but wouldn’t treat you any different and I think it’s pretty weird that you measure by degrees who is white adjacent.

You don’t think Middle Eastern people are white?

This is not as straightforward as you would think. Technically, Middle-eastern, north African, Mediterranean, folks are classified as "Caucasian" or white. But whether they are recognized as such is in the eye of the beholder. I'm southern European with medium/darkish olive skin. I am always having people tell me I'm not white. I have had people assume I was a recipient of some form of affirmative action. It's kind of a bizarre experience -- being treated as a bit of a curiosity as "brown" white person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so classist and racist it has to be a troll right?

Any bets on if the OP leans right or left?

I’m just sitting here amazed at how many people are responding to this as a serious question.

OP is either a troll or an insufferable, racist snob. Having spent time on the college forum here, I realize that the latter is, unfortunately, more likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so classist and racist it has to be a troll right?

Any bets on if the OP leans right or left?

I’m just sitting here amazed at how many people are responding to this as a serious question.

OP is either a troll or an insufferable, racist snob. Having spent time on the college forum here, I realize that the latter is, unfortunately, more likely.

I think it has to be a troll.

"Brown/black." Well which is it, OP? Is he Afro-Latino? Mixed race- both brown and black?

How long has he been dating your cousin? How is this any different from any person getting to know the large family of their paramour?

[Anonymous]

If you’re not a troll, the issue is that he’s in his 20s and you are in your 40s. He’s hanging out with the old relatives who are trying tok hard to be fun. Yes. He thinks you are all old. I’m in my 40s and the younger people in my extended family think I’m old.

After being with DH for 30 years, I’m still not comfortable with his family at functions. I’m polite, nice, pleasant but not the fun person having the life of the party that you are looking for with this kid. It had nothing to do with race, jobs or education.

There are 1 million posts on DCUM about IL gatherings and awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too. Much. Pressure.

It sounds like the family is already warm and welcoming. Maybe the BF is naturally reserved. Either way it is in no way your job to make sure this "Latino guy" feels at ease beyond being nice to him when you see him at gatherings.

This. Some Latinos are naturally reserved.