Cousin dating someone who is brown/black and from a different social class and I want to make sure he feels comfortable

[Anonymous]

We’re lucky to have a pretty geographically and emotionally tight family, so I see my aunt and (grown) cousins pretty frequently. My 25yo cousin is dating a Latino guy who is an associate at a big box retailer. Our family is first generation from Europe and the Middle East. We’re a mix of folks who are white-ish. Some people are white and some are middle eastern w one white/Western European parent. We all went to college or have our masters and live in a HCOL area where we live comfortably and travel and talk about new restaurants or whatever, but walk into any area of upper NW and listen in and that’s (in broad strokes) who we are.

My cousins boyfriend is soooo quiet around us and timid and just seems really like a duck out of water. Once I got him going at a family wedding and he relaxed and had fun, but still I mean this guy was at a tent wedding in Newport looking around like wtf.

He’s been around for a while and you just have to take my word that we are totally inclusive and accepting of him—lots of big hugs when he walks in, assuming he’s added to the guest list of any hang, etc etc. But he still feels so shy around us and I get why.

Has anyone been him before and have advice for me on behavior or ideas of how I might double down on helping him feeling comfortable? I’m 20 years older then the kid, I mean I’m not his bestie, but pretty sure he’s here for the long haul and I’m committing to do my part to make sure that I’m making him feel accepted and included. What helped you when you were in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Too. Much. Pressure.

It sounds like the family is already warm and welcoming. Maybe the BF is naturally reserved. Either way it is in no way your job to make sure this "Latino guy" feels at ease beyond being nice to him when you see him at gatherings.

[Anonymous]

My cousin's new wife made wisecrack about it not being easy to be the dumb ones in the family and it went a touch past wry. They work in the restaurant business and all the rest of us have BAs and most grad degrees.

We cannot fix their intellectual insecurity. Nor is it easy to find common topics of discussion. I think it's best to keep things light and breezy...watching movies together, playing games, making meals, etc. My cousin elected to be a college dropout - it's not an issue of finances or other bad luck. No idea of the wife's background beyond a sense that her family is LMC.

I recommend avoiding humblebragging, no talking about academically-achieving kids, real estate, stock market, luxury cars, etc. Basically topics you'd see on DCUM.

I also gave them a nice cash wedding gift, traveled to the wedding, and sent a little follow-up joke gift along with a registry item in hopes that she'd realize I want to be considered a "nice cousin".

Finally, even if he's just awkwardly watching, he will undoubtedly be debriefing with his gf, and she should guide him on how to fit in and be comfortable as time goes on.

[Anonymous]

"20 years older than the kid"

Op, is he a kid? It sounds like you are uncomfortable with a lower class brown/black person at your family events despite your emphatic statements about being "welcoming" and "inclusive"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"20 years older than the kid"

Op, is he a kid? It sounds like you are uncomfortable with a lower class brown/black person at your family events despite your emphatic statements about being "welcoming" and "inclusive"

I’m 45, he’s 25.

I think my post is pretty clear. I’m not uncomfortable. He seems to be though. And the feeling of being the odd man out is universal. However, because of some of the dynamics at play I am super open that there could be ways of making him feel comfortable that I have not thought about yet. I named the specifically the background context in case that was relevant to anyone’s weighing in.

[Anonymous]

As a white person I would consider all of y’all to be mon white but wouldn’t treat you any different and I think it’s pretty weird that you measure by degrees who is white adjacent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"20 years older than the kid"

Op, is he a kid? It sounds like you are uncomfortable with a lower class brown/black person at your family events despite your emphatic statements about being "welcoming" and "inclusive"

I’m 45, he’s 25.

I think my post is pretty clear. I’m not uncomfortable. He seems to be though. And the feeling of being the odd man out is universal. However, because of some of the dynamics at play I am super open that there could be ways of making him feel comfortable that I have not thought about yet. I named the specifically the background context in case that was relevant to anyone’s weighing in.

DP. Do not make this young man your project.

[Anonymous]

PP. If he's known to be good at any particular thing, ask for his expertise with it.

Also ask your cousin a few questions about him. This seems like you need info directly from either him or her.

[Anonymous]

Just be your nice self. He's going to have to assimilate himself at his own pace. Don't try too hard. Also, don't be surprised if he remains uncomfortable and possibly stops coming due to that. I know you don't want that to happen but as long as everybody is being nice to him that's about all you can do. Be yourselves and see if he can handle it. It's not like you all are going to adjust your conversations and interactions for this one guy feel at home, right? That would be weird.

[Anonymous]

OP I think your post is going to get a lot of negative comments. In my opinion it’s great of you to be aware that your ‘business as usual’ family interactions could be a bit alienating to someone and to try to make that person feel feel welcome. I think the best you can do is offer sincere smiles and hugs, remember things about him to ask about in future gatherings, and look for commonalities you can steer the conversation too if your family is talking too long about yatchs or whatever. Music, movies, cooking, sports, work out routines, grandparents, nieces/nephews, funny things pets do, etc can all be pretty class neutral conversations. What works will depend a lot on the individual - I can’t hold a conversation about movies but can talk about annoying toddler shows or funny pet stories at length. I’ve found myself talking a ton about fishing with people I otherwise have little in common with as it’s something I’ve been learning about from my son and lots of people of diverse backgrounds have fish stories to share and can give advice. Obviously only works for some people though. And you need to be sincere about it and not try to hard or you’ll come across as condescending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think your post is going to get a lot of negative comments. In my opinion it’s great of you to be aware that your ‘business as usual’ family interactions could be a bit alienating to someone and to try to make that person feel feel welcome. I think the best you can do is offer sincere smiles and hugs, remember things about him to ask about in future gatherings, and look for commonalities you can steer the conversation too if your family is talking too long about yatchs or whatever. Music, movies, cooking, sports, work out routines, grandparents, nieces/nephews, funny things pets do, etc can all be pretty class neutral conversations. What works will depend a lot on the individual - I can’t hold a conversation about movies but can talk about annoying toddler shows or funny pet stories at length. I’ve found myself talking a ton about fishing with people I otherwise have little in common with as it’s something I’ve been learning about from my son and lots of people of diverse backgrounds have fish stories to share and can give advice. Obviously only works for some people though. And you need to be sincere about it and not try to hard or you’ll come across as condescending.

This is nice

[Anonymous]

Take him around (or send the young generation to take him) to expensive experiences in a smaller group so he can get used to it.

[Anonymous]

You can double down on working on yourself. You refer to him as a "duck out of water" (which comes across as rude). You say he feels shy (who are you to say how he feels?). You call a 25-year-old man a kid.

You may think you're being a welcoming, cool older cousin, but in your writing you come across as disdainful and supercilious. It wouldn't surprise me if you come across as the same way to him in person.

[Anonymous]

When you talk with him ask open ended questions to him. (Not yes no questions) You should talk about 10-20% when you are with him. He should be talking about 80% of the time.

Ask him what sports he follows. Ask him what sports he plays. Ask him what he likes about living in the DC area etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be your nice self. He's going to have to assimilate himself at his own pace. Don't try too hard. Also, don't be surprised if he remains uncomfortable and possibly stops coming due to that. I know you don't want that to happen but as long as everybody is being nice to him that's about all you can do. Be yourselves and see if he can handle it. It's not like you all are going to adjust your conversations and interactions for this one guy feel at home, right? That would be weird.

This.