Reply to Cousin dating someone who is brown/black and from a different social class and I want to make sure he feels comfortable

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We’re lucky to have a pretty geographically and emotionally tight family, so I see my aunt and (grown) cousins pretty frequently. My 25yo cousin is dating a Latino guy who is an associate at a big box retailer. Our family is first generation from Europe and the Middle East. We’re a mix of folks who are white-ish. Some people are white and some are middle eastern w one white/Western European parent. We all went to college or have our masters and live in a HCOL area where we live comfortably and travel and talk about new restaurants or whatever, but walk into any area of upper NW and listen in and that’s (in broad strokes) who we are.

My cousins boyfriend is soooo quiet around us and timid and just seems really like a duck out of water. Once I got him going at a family wedding and he relaxed and had fun, but still I mean this guy was at a tent wedding in Newport looking around like wtf.

He’s been around for a while and you just have to take my word that we are totally inclusive and accepting of him—lots of big hugs when he walks in, assuming he’s added to the guest list of any hang, etc etc. But he still feels so shy around us and I get why.

Has anyone been him before and have advice for me on behavior or ideas of how I might double down on helping him feeling comfortable? I’m 20 years older then the kid, I mean I’m not his bestie, but pretty sure he’s here for the long haul and I’m committing to do my part to make sure that I’m making him feel accepted and included. What helped you when you were in this situation?[/quote]

You’re family is first generation with some of you from the Middle East.  Some of you should know what it’s like to be the outsider.  Of all people, immigrants like your family members, specifically the ones from the Middle East have had to be uncomfortable at some point.  The way some Americans treat immigrants is a disgrace.

My family includes all types of people from low income to college educated middle class to the oldest generation in the 1% income level.  So we are comfortable with people. My dd has had a fiancée for five years who is undocumented from South America and lives in a Latino neighborhood where Spanish is the primary language.  He came over as a child, the usual hardships of crossing in. They broke up but we have good memories.

We all liked him. He was articulate, friendly, funny, well dressed.  It wasn’t all that unusual that someone worked in a restaurant like he did so there were no issues on where people worked.

The only way your cousin’s boyfriend would be uncomfortable is if you see him as being some kind of different species.  Or if your family somehow felt superior. If you all have been treating him like you treat everyone else it shouldn’t be a problem.

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