Anyone else experience childhood emotional neglect? Healing Possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my therapist calls it benign neglect. My mom wasn't trying to be neglectful, she just worked and wasn't that interested in us kids. Now that she's old and infirm, I've kind of given up. I think that I've mostly grieved having that mother that I needed, but I guess time will tell when she's gone.

This is not a good term for it. Benign means harmless. Neglect is harmful.

I have struggled with the idea of accountability on this issue. My parents were abusive and neglectful (hitting, yelling, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, but we were always fed and had a middle class life financially). I know a lot of it was because they also had abusive parents, and they had children very young and didn't really know how to change that pattern.

But also... You can change the pattern. I'm a mom now and while I'm far from perfect, I don't abuse my kids and they know I love them and we have a strong bond. I'm so glad I've been able to do this, and it's healing in some ways. But it also highlights for me that it IS a choice. They may not have meant to do it, but they didn't try hard enough to do differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my therapist calls it benign neglect. My mom wasn't trying to be neglectful, she just worked and wasn't that interested in us kids. Now that she's old and infirm, I've kind of given up. I think that I've mostly grieved having that mother that I needed, but I guess time will tell when she's gone.

This is not a good term for it. Benign means harmless. Neglect is harmful.

I have struggled with the idea of accountability on this issue. My parents were abusive and neglectful (hitting, yelling, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, but we were always fed and had a middle class life financially). I know a lot of it was because they also had abusive parents, and they had children very young and didn't really know how to change that pattern.

But also... You can change the pattern. I'm a mom now and while I'm far from perfect, I don't abuse my kids and they know I love them and we have a strong bond. I'm so glad I've been able to do this, and it's healing in some ways. But it also highlights for me that it IS a choice. They may not have meant to do it, but they didn't try hard enough to do differently.

Same, PP. I’ve realized the same thing. My parents could’ve done better and no they didn’t “do the best they could” as so many family members tell me.

[Anonymous]

22:48 again, I wanted to add:

I do think people often unfairly place all the blame for emotional neglect on their mothers, be wise the expectation for fathers to be emotionally present and nurturing is so low. My mom made major mistakes as a parent, but my dad is a true narcissist (incapable of empathy, unable to even recognize anyone's needs but his own) and I think my mom genuinely did try, but struggled in part because she was tied to this man who was incapable of loving her or any of us. It would be easy to pin it on her because she was the more present parent, even if barely present. But he probably did more harm in the long run. I cannot even remember my dad ever telling me he lived me or expressing any interest in my life or me as a person. I remember once he saw d something complementary about my sister and it was intensely upsetting for me because I had not even realized he was capable of noticing one of his kids in that way, and to learn he was and to still not be able to get that kind of attention from him was devastating. It was this one offhand comment 25 years ago and I still remember it very clearly because it shocked me and upset me so much.

[Anonymous]

Remember - they were the broken one(s) not you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my therapist calls it benign neglect. My mom wasn't trying to be neglectful, she just worked and wasn't that interested in us kids. Now that she's old and infirm, I've kind of given up. I think that I've mostly grieved having that mother that I needed, but I guess time will tell when she's gone.

This is not a good term for it. Benign means harmless. Neglect is harmful.

I have struggled with the idea of accountability on this issue. My parents were abusive and neglectful (hitting, yelling, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, but we were always fed and had a middle class life financially). I know a lot of it was because they also had abusive parents, and they had children very young and didn't really know how to change that pattern.

But also... You can change the pattern. I'm a mom now and while I'm far from perfect, I don't abuse my kids and they know I love them and we have a strong bond. I'm so glad I've been able to do this, and it's healing in some ways. But it also highlights for me that it IS a choice. They may not have meant to do it, but they didn't try hard enough to do differently.

Do you have to consciously think about things and make better decisions? How do you do this? I definitely feel like I'm better than my parents were but I want to do better than I have in the past as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my therapist calls it benign neglect. My mom wasn't trying to be neglectful, she just worked and wasn't that interested in us kids. Now that she's old and infirm, I've kind of given up. I think that I've mostly grieved having that mother that I needed, but I guess time will tell when she's gone.

This is not a good term for it. Benign means harmless. Neglect is harmful.

I have struggled with the idea of accountability on this issue. My parents were abusive and neglectful (hitting, yelling, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, but we were always fed and had a middle class life financially). I know a lot of it was because they also had abusive parents, and they had children very young and didn't really know how to change that pattern.

But also... You can change the pattern. I'm a mom now and while I'm far from perfect, I don't abuse my kids and they know I love them and we have a strong bond. I'm so glad I've been able to do this, and it's healing in some ways. But it also highlights for me that it IS a choice. They may not have meant to do it, but they didn't try hard enough to do differently.

Do you have to consciously think about things and make better decisions? How do you do this? I definitely feel like I'm better than my parents were but I want to do better than I have in the past as well.

PP here. I did it by putting a lot of physical and emotional distance between me and my family, going to therapy, talking a lot with my spouse both before and after marriage about the kind of parent I wanted to be, postponing parenthood until I really felt I had the emotional maturity to do it, and not having more kids than I felt I could handle well and that felt affordable (financial stress is a major trigger for family strife).

I also developed parenting models outside my own family-- parents of friends, or friends who are parents, who embody the values I share and who have family dynamics I think are healthy. When I'm in a tough parenting moment and I need guidance, I can't look to my own parents because the tough moments were their worst moments. So that's when I think of other, good parents I know and think what they would do. I also read parenting books, especially anything geared toward raising emotionally intelligent kids, and with an "authoritative" (instead of authoritarian or permissive) approach.

Some days I really lament my lack of good parenting models, and therapy is really important for helping me deal with my grief over my own childhood. But most days I'm just grateful to have been able to create a family life that is warm, loving, and functional family. Even though I'm the parent, not the child, now, it is still very healing to just have a good family to be a part of, where I feel truly loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my therapist calls it benign neglect. My mom wasn't trying to be neglectful, she just worked and wasn't that interested in us kids. Now that she's old and infirm, I've kind of given up. I think that I've mostly grieved having that mother that I needed, but I guess time will tell when she's gone.

This is not a good term for it. Benign means harmless. Neglect is harmful.

I have struggled with the idea of accountability on this issue. My parents were abusive and neglectful (hitting, yelling, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, but we were always fed and had a middle class life financially). I know a lot of it was because they also had abusive parents, and they had children very young and didn't really know how to change that pattern.

But also... You can change the pattern. I'm a mom now and while I'm far from perfect, I don't abuse my kids and they know I love them and we have a strong bond. I'm so glad I've been able to do this, and it's healing in some ways. But it also highlights for me that it IS a choice. They may not have meant to do it, but they didn't try hard enough to do differently.

Do you have to consciously think about things and make better decisions? How do you do this? I definitely feel like I'm better than my parents were but I want to do better than I have in the past as well.

PP here. I did it by putting a lot of physical and emotional distance between me and my family, going to therapy, talking a lot with my spouse both before and after marriage about the kind of parent I wanted to be, postponing parenthood until I really felt I had the emotional maturity to do it, and not having more kids than I felt I could handle well and that felt affordable (financial stress is a major trigger for family strife).

I also developed parenting models outside my own family-- parents of friends, or friends who are parents, who embody the values I share and who have family dynamics I think are healthy. When I'm in a tough parenting moment and I need guidance, I can't look to my own parents because the tough moments were their worst moments. So that's when I think of other, good parents I know and think what they would do. I also read parenting books, especially anything geared toward raising emotionally intelligent kids, and with an "authoritative" (instead of authoritarian or permissive) approach.

Some days I really lament my lack of good parenting models, and therapy is really important for helping me deal with my grief over my own childhood. But most days I'm just grateful to have been able to create a family life that is warm, loving, and functional family. Even though I'm the parent, not the child, now, it is still very healing to just have a good family to be a part of, where I feel truly loved.

This helped, thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

look at resources such as parenting decolonized, latinx parenting, Shelly Robinson (Healing YOurself). they have helped tremendously. We adopted due to medical issues, so we had to do a lot of soul searching to become parents. that helped a lot. I know from my parents what NOT to do, and I identify what TO DO from my own soul searching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:48 again, I wanted to add:

I do think people often unfairly place all the blame for emotional neglect on their mothers, be wise the expectation for fathers to be emotionally present and nurturing is so low. My mom made major mistakes as a parent, but my dad is a true narcissist (incapable of empathy, unable to even recognize anyone's needs but his own) and I think my mom genuinely did try, but struggled in part because she was tied to this man who was incapable of loving her or any of us. It would be easy to pin it on her because she was the more present parent, even if barely present. But he probably did more harm in the long run. I cannot even remember my dad ever telling me he lived me or expressing any interest in my life or me as a person. I remember once he saw d something complementary about my sister and it was intensely upsetting for me because I had not even realized he was capable of noticing one of his kids in that way, and to learn he was and to still not be able to get that kind of attention from him was devastating. It was this one offhand comment 25 years ago and I still remember it very clearly because it shocked me and upset me so much.

My ex was like this as was each of his parents- all on the autism spectrum, HFA.
Totally clueless, self-centered and uncaring. He was diagnosed in his late 30s when I was wondering WTF was going on- exec functioning issues, no emotions except anger, forgetting everything, not seeing obvious or dangerous things that needed to be addressed, avoiding conversations, etc. Just like his Mom and Dad who live 1000s of miles away! Thats their sad, neglectful, lack of empathy, norm.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if you have children but I found a lot of healing through parenting my child and also parenting myself at the same time. I couldn't get my emotional needs met through my parents and they neglected me horribly but I was able to take care of myself by taking care of my baby.

[Anonymous]

This book https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Parent-Guidebook-Softcover-Spiralbound/dp/1944840141/
and working through it with a small group I found here https://adultchildren.org/newcomer/ were really helpful to me. There is a lot of grief but a path forward to treating myself differently and thinking about things differently was a game changer.

[Anonymous]

I wish there was a magic bullet, but I think I will need to spend to spend the rest of my life managing rather than living. Of course, there are times that it doesn’t effect me, but I think that I will always be prone to being triggered by a long list of things, which I’ll need to manage through a combination of meditation, distraction, journaling, self help books/podcasts, etc.

I’ve seen 4 different therapists over the last 25 years. Have done CBT, EMDR, IFS, somatic therapy, etc. while it’s helped on the cognitive level - setting aside negative thoughts, understanding my experience - nothing seems to help with the deep underlying pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a magic bullet, but I think I will need to spend to spend the rest of my life managing rather than living. Of course, there are times that it doesn’t effect me, but I think that I will always be prone to being triggered by a long list of things, which I’ll need to manage through a combination of meditation, distraction, journaling, self help books/podcasts, etc.

I’ve seen 4 different therapists over the last 25 years. Have done CBT, EMDR, IFS, somatic therapy, etc. while it’s helped on the cognitive level - setting aside negative thoughts, understanding my experience - nothing seems to help with the deep underlying pain.

Have you read about negative loops? Once you've processed it and understand how to be vigilant against it you really need to turn your attention to something positive. You are in a negative loop because it's easier on your brain. A pattern. A habit.