Should we allow DD to skip 8th grade trip?

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine to let her skip it...however I would work on her developing some independence from you.

I worked at a college and we had 17 year olds in the dorms who had never spent a night away from their parents. Most had a terrible time and some quit and went home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is fine to let her skip it...however I would work on her developing some independence from you.

I worked at a college and we had 17 year olds in the dorms who had never spent a night away from their parents. Most had a terrible time and some quit and went home.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd make her go. Society is raising a generation of kids with no emotional fortitude. Three days is not so long that she can't see the end in sight. This is an opportunity to go to another country.

This. And I have a kid with anxiety, so it’s not like I don’t understand.

If she has legitimate reasons, like she knows the mean girls are going to target her, then I would consider it. But if it’s just general anxiety about the whole thing, no. Resilience is incredibly important and by taking away struggles we are taking away their opportunity to grow in the face of adversity, to know that they can survive hard situations. I worry that letting her not go just confirms that you think she can’t handle it and then she internalizes that as well—if mom doesn’t think I can handle it then I definitely can’t handle it.

I have had to push my kid with anxiety over the years, past their comfort, guided through difficult situations. And they have grown so much. I have no doubt that if I let them choose to sit out of their uncomfortable situations they would unable to handle life. They agreed as well. So I would sit down and talk this through with your dd. Ask what are the specific reasons. Discuss how she can get through those things.

[Anonymous]

Unless she was being bullied and had no friends to hang with on the trip I would totally make her go. It’s part of 8th grade at her school and she needs to participate.
She’s 13/14 and should be able to be away from home for a few nights.

[Anonymous]

Are you in DC? Toronto is far. I’m all about forcing independence and following through on commitments but 3 days away far away for a kid who hasn’t even had one sleepover is a lot. I’d let her skip it with no consequences.

[Anonymous]

Totally let her make a choice to self advocate. I would not force my kids to go on any trip they did not feel okay with. There will be plenty of time for trips and time away from family. Maybe build confidence in a short summer camp?

[Anonymous]

Let her skip. This isn’t an “ honor your commitments” scenario, it’s supposed to be a fun celebration and she’s telling you for her will be neither.
And- work with her on a plan for learning to be away from home a bit. Years ago after one too many midnight pickups for my homesick kid on a sleepover and a 6th grade camping trip looming we did this. We started small and worked on it, dd hated plan initially but built a lot of confidence over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is fine to let her skip it...however I would work on her developing some independence from you.

I worked at a college and we had 17 year olds in the dorms who had never spent a night away from their parents. Most had a terrible time and some quit and went home.

+1

This is a major issue and you’ve known it.

She’s always been prone to homesickness

hasn’t spent the night with family in nearly a decade

has never attended a sleepover.

I think forcing it now without the tools is unfair to her, the chaperones and other kids. This should have been addressed a long time ago in CBT. I think the deal is she agrees to therapy to fix this. I have a friend and her youngest became like this. Needed to be homeschooled on and off through HS. Tried college while living at home and is floundering now in her mid 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No chores, let her not go.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a much bigger issue than this one trip. I like the PP who suggested therapy. You have to deal with her anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd make her go. Society is raising a generation of kids with no emotional fortitude. Three days is not so long that she can't see the end in sight. This is an opportunity to go to another country.

This. And I have a kid with anxiety, so it’s not like I don’t understand.

If she has legitimate reasons, like she knows the mean girls are going to target her, then I would consider it. But if it’s just general anxiety about the whole thing, no. Resilience is incredibly important and by taking away struggles we are taking away their opportunity to grow in the face of adversity, to know that they can survive hard situations. I worry that letting her not go just confirms that you think she can’t handle it and then she internalizes that as well—if mom doesn’t think I can handle it then I definitely can’t handle it.

I have had to push my kid with anxiety over the years, past their comfort, guided through difficult situations. And they have grown so much. I have no doubt that if I let them choose to sit out of their uncomfortable situations they would unable to handle life. They agreed as well. So I would sit down and talk this through with your dd. Ask what are the specific reasons. Discuss how she can get through those things.

+1. This is great advice. I also have a child with anxiety and absent a specific rational problem, I would not entertain skipping.

[Anonymous]

Is this a small school? Why in the world can't she distance from her tormentors? Makes no sense to me.

[Anonymous]

The range of thoughtful answers here shows how hard it is to not accommodate a child’s obvious anxiety, (accommodating will certainly make the anxiety worse over time) with honoring their feelings and encouraging their ability to self advocate and/or forcing them into situations they really don’t yet have the skills to handle.

[Anonymous]

I would let her skip for sure. And maybe have her do a few chores to make up the money (which is great that she is willing).

[Anonymous]

Op certainly, you've had many discussion with the teacher and school about her social problems. I hope. What do they say?