my husband said something yesterday that broke my heart

[Anonymous]

If you observe that his clothes are stained or don't fit, why don't you buy him new clothes and get rid of the old? Why are you ok with walking around with him looking like that? Help him out if he doesn't notice/care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Bariatric surgery will be his solution.

I don't know why but insurance won't cover it. He's scared of surgery but it does seem like it would help. If he wanted to do it, we'd find the $.

Ozempic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Bariatric surgery will be his solution.

I don't know why but insurance won't cover it. He's scared of surgery but it does seem like it would help. If he wanted to do it, we'd find the $.

FWIW my sister had bariatric surgery lost a good amount of weight but then put a lot back on. She was sexually abused as a child and her therapist said it's extremely difficult to overcome that. Because of the surgery she doesn't eat large amounts at once but can still eat high calorie food at frequent intervals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Bariatric surgery will be his solution.

I don't know why but insurance won't cover it. He's scared of surgery but it does seem like it would help. If he wanted to do it, we'd find the $.

Ozempic?

He's been on it for years - it helps with his diabetes but not weight loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the dirty clothes and replace with new ones. Can you go for walks together? Can you help enforce the healthy eating? Maybe private trainer if hes self conscious about going to the gym?

I truly don't mean to keep offering reasons why this or that won't work, because these are all good suggestions. We do go for some walks together but then his knees hurt and he has to stop. He did PT for a while which was helping with the pain, but then he stopped. I really can't make him do more than he does.

We eat healthy meals together, then he eats a crazy amount in snacks. You're going to lose your mind when I tell you he smokes, too ( not in the house). It's all bad, and I mean it when I say I can only fight so much. He KNOWS what he should do, and he doesn't need me telling me what he already knows. He has to decide that he wants to change these habits.

He doesn't want to work with a personal trainer. Maybe I should just make the appointment with one and see where it goes. I am trying to be encouraging and hands off about the therapy, and see if working with this person can help him get to the place where he's ready to make changes with these other things.

But I also think all this is aside from him feeling like people are laughing at him. These are all things that would work if he wanted to put effort into losing weight. Even if he doesn't, I really don't see people laughing at him! I think I would notice. I think I would notice? I am usually fairly socially aware.

I want him to feel good just as he is, even if nothing changes.

He has a whole closet of nice clothes. He replenishes his stuff fairly often. But sometimes he wants to wear a terrible old t-shirt, and that's his choice, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this way and it's not related to weight. I could tell you it's related to my teeth (I have bad teeth) or my skin or something else. But you know what it's really about? It's childhood abuse and neglect. As a child, my parents did not love me. They yelled at me and criticized constantly and got angry with me for doing things beyond my control (they'd yell at me for making a mistake and then yell at me for crying in response to their yelling). It broke me and I carry around this deep belief that other people do not like me. My brain is attuned to perceive any indication that someone dislikes me -- an eyeroll, visible irritation, anything. But I don't trust any indication that someone DOES like me -- I assume they are being polite or outright lying, and that as soon as I"m not around they will express their true feelings.

I'm 45 years old, have done decades of therapy, and have actually made a lot of progress. But I still feel this way. Even with the small group of trusted people who are closest to me, my spouse and a handful of close friends. In fact right before I read this thread, I was thinking about a longtime friend of mine and our last text exchange about a week ago, and how he'd seemed distracted and irritated. He said it was due to work and his job is stressful so this makes the most sense. But I am convinced he was annoyed with me and wishing he didn't have to interact with me.

I am not sure there is any way to fix it. I am told the key is to learn to love yourself unconditionally. I am still working on it.

Anyway, I bet that's what is going on with your DH on some level. Maybe not the exact same experience in childhood but probably some kind of trauma that fundamentally undermined his sense of self worth. Sure, dressing better or losing weight might help some. But it won't fix it, I promise. It's really about what is going on inside.

This has been really helpful to me, PP. https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Parent-Guidebook-Solution-Become-ebook/dp/B09D9VLVVH along with finding a small group to work through the workbook with https://adultchildren.org/meeting-search/#mtslresult

My group still has a ways to go in the workbook but learning to become the loving parent I never had, for myself, and having interactions around the issues of a critical inner voice, etc. with safe people can change your brain and change life for the better.

The point you bring up re: unresolved trauma is an important one, there is often tremendous shame involved as well. The weight can be a subconscious "buffer" or dopamine/comfort seeking in a pattern from childhood.

This book is also excellent https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/and he has a lot of information on his website for free https://pete-walker.com/ The audio book can be a helpful way to get a different "voice" into your internal scripts.

OP, you are clearly a caring spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Bariatric surgery will be his solution.

I don't know why but insurance won't cover it. He's scared of surgery but it does seem like it would help. If he wanted to do it, we'd find the $.

Ozempic?

He's been on it for years - it helps with his diabetes but not weight loss.

Perhaps talk to the doctor about increasing his dose? It should help with the nicotine addiction, too.

His addressing the processed food addiction first may not only solve his problem and could conceivably put the diabetes into remission, but having surgery without doing so makes it really likely that he will regain regardless or that the unaddressed addiction will transfer. A really good book about food and transfer addictions, written by an addiction medicine doctor, is https://www.amazon.com/Food-Junkies-Recovery-Addiction/dp/1459741978/

Do you have kids, OP? Not to be crass but make sure you have life insurance, as expensive as it may be.

Therapy is certainly a good start. Best to you and DH, OP. That he felt safe to be vulnerable with you about a core sense of shame seems very positive. Some people with binge eating disorders find journaling to be helpful, too.

[Anonymous]

^ https://healthnews.com/news/ozempic-may-help-with-addiction/

DH may benefit from having the ozempic dose increased. Not sure why surgery is not covered if he is not only obese but diabetic? Perhaps appeal? Or try to change plans during open enrollment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That hurts to read OP . OP people are CRUEL especially here in the DC area. I have an autoimmune disease that has disfigured me not only have they make fun of me for "still" wearing a mask out (they have even fake coughed and laughed looking right at me) they have commented/asked me about my looks, like "what happened to you..." SOOOO rude.

There is something really wrong with those people and their hearts--tell him that it is them not him. I always wonder if some day these people will get to experience what we do I think that is the only way they will ever "get" it because it seems like they're not smart enough to understand otherwise.

So true. I am in a similar situation and an old friend actually posted a diatribe on my FB wall demanding that I post “proof” of my medical condition on social media or everyone would assume I’m a liar. I declined to attend an event in our friend group.

I blocked her. People like this are toxic and best blocked no matter how hot they are.

[Anonymous]

Switch his shirts out. Me and DH have an agreement I can throw shirts away if I replace with new shirts. I’m talking he keeps shirts with nasty looking underarm stains if I don’t intervene

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Bariatric surgery will be his solution.

I had the gastric band and it has changed my life for the better. I’m fit and take no meds. I exercise and watch what I eat.

[Anonymous]

Nothing to add, just that you sound like an awesome wife.

[Anonymous]

Honestly op, I’d try to snag ozempic. I think he needs to lie and hustle his way to a covered diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Fix his wardrobe. It can be done even on a Walmart budget. Try to make everything fit as well as possible and get him a good haircut.

I'm obese and I've never felt that anyone was laughing at me. Maybe not interested in talking to me but that's their choice. I look presentable enough to go anywhere. When he feels better, he can focus on weight if he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ https://healthnews.com/news/ozempic-may-help-with-addiction/

DH may benefit from having the ozempic dose increased. Not sure why surgery is not covered if he is not only obese but diabetic? Perhaps appeal? Or try to change plans during open enrollment?

Or switch to Mournjaro.

But that only fixes his outward appearance and health. Being overweight is not only damaging to the physical but even more to the mental. I lost over 150lbs on Ozempic and Mounjaro, but in my brain I still think AND feel that I'm 300lbs.
I dress really well and buy expensive clothes but all of that doesn't make up for the shame I feel. My DH is extremely handsome and I was always thinking that folks were staring at me and wondering why would a guy like that want to be with me? I've had plastic surgery to address the extra skin and still I feel like people are still seeing a 300lb person. I am still depressed and sorrowful just like I was at 300lbs. It just doesn't let up.

So, I give my sad story to say it's more that just weight. If your DH I'd willing, maybe talk to him about therapy.


But I will also add Mournjaro really works and if he's on Ozempic, he definitely needs to talk to his Dr to evaluate uping the dose.

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