Reply to my husband said something yesterday that broke my heart

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I feel this way and it's not related to weight. I could tell you it's related to my teeth (I have bad teeth) or my skin or something else. But you know what it's really about? It's childhood abuse and neglect. As a child, my parents did not love me. They yelled at me and criticized constantly and got angry with me for doing things beyond my control (they'd yell at me for making a mistake and then yell at me for crying in response to their yelling). It broke me and I carry around this deep belief that other people do not like me. My brain is attuned to perceive any indication that someone dislikes me -- an eyeroll, visible irritation, anything. But I don't trust any indication that someone DOES like me -- I assume they are being polite or outright lying, and that as soon as I"m not around they will express their true feelings.

I'm 45 years old, have done decades of therapy, and have actually made a lot of progress. But I still feel this way. Even with the small group of trusted people who are closest to me, my spouse and a handful of close friends. In fact right before I read this thread, I was thinking about a longtime friend of mine and our last text exchange about a week ago, and how he'd seemed distracted and irritated. He said it was due to work and his job is stressful so this makes the most sense. But I am convinced he was annoyed with me and wishing he didn't have to interact with me.

I am not sure there is any way to fix it. I am told the key is to learn to love yourself unconditionally. I am still working on it.

Anyway, I bet that's what is going on with your DH on some level. Maybe not the exact same experience in childhood but probably some kind of trauma that fundamentally undermined his sense of self worth. Sure, dressing better or losing weight might help some. But it won't fix it, I promise. It's really about what is going on inside.[/quote]

This has been really helpful to me, PP. https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Parent-Guidebook-Solution-Become-ebook/dp/B09D9VLVVH along with finding a small group to work through the workbook with https://adultchildren.org/meeting-search/#mtslresult

My group still has a ways to go in the workbook but learning to become the loving parent I never had, for myself, and having interactions around the issues of a critical inner voice, etc. with safe people can change your brain and change life for the better.

The point you bring up re: unresolved trauma is an important one, there is often tremendous shame involved as well. The weight can be a subconscious "buffer" or dopamine/comfort seeking in a pattern from childhood.

This book is also excellent https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/and he has a lot of information on his website for free https://pete-walker.com/ The audio book can be a helpful way to get a different "voice" into your internal scripts.

OP, you are clearly a caring spouse. [/quote]

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