my husband said something yesterday that broke my heart

[Anonymous]

He said he thinks that people are laughing at him when they see him out and about.

He's a really big guy who has struggled with his weight forever. I think he thinks that's why people are noticing and laughing. I've never seen anyone laugh at him - we've been together for 17 years.

Sometimes he dresses badly - stained shirts that don't really fit; I wish he wouldn't, but I can only fight so much. I do think people notice when he's wearing clothes that don't fit.

But generally he does make some effort to look nice. And he does look nice. I think he looks really nice.

I just didn't know he feels this way. He said it in a way like he just takes it as a given that he is an object of derision. It's really shaken me that he feels this way - and feels it so deeply. I know that his shame over his body is at least part of what's causing us physical problems. It's been rough - but thankfully he's started therapy. I don't expect miracles but I do think it's positive that he finally feels ready, or at least willing, to talk to someone. I didn't know that he also extends this to basically the whole world.

I love this man. Everyone has issues and frustrations, and we're no exception, but I love him. I want him to feel good about himself. He's tried to lose weight, tried to exercise more - he could do a whole lot more than he's done but here we are now, and I don't want him to feel such self-loathing regardless of what his body looks and feels like.

I don't really have a question. But this is so personal it's not something I feel comfortable talking about with anyone I know in real life. Thanks for. listening.

[Anonymous]

I have sympathy for you. I'm sorry your husband is having emotional pain.

If you are able, keep more of an eye on the public around him when you are out in public. If you are able to share truthfully that you are not observing the reactions he senses that might help to share back.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had weight issues. One thing I really appreciated is when my mother would take out the tightly-fitting items and replace them with beautiful items in my size. It is a bit infantilizing but it might help him!

[Anonymous]

“ Sometimes he dresses badly - stained shirts that don't really fit; I wish he wouldn't, but I can only fight so much. I do think people notice when he's wearing clothes that don't fit”

I think you should clearly tell him this part. That you think his weight is part of it and the other part is the way he dresses. One of those things is a lot easier to address than the other.

[Anonymous]

Bariatric surgery will be his solution.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP about buying him new clothes that fit and flatter him and moving the ill fitting/stained clothes to the back of the closet.

I'd also share that you have never observed anyone laughing at him but that you understand if that is something he feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ Sometimes he dresses badly - stained shirts that don't really fit; I wish he wouldn't, but I can only fight so much. I do think people notice when he's wearing clothes that don't fit”

I think you should clearly tell him this part. That you think his weight is part of it and the other part is the way he dresses. One of those things is a lot easier to address than the other.

This is OP - and I truly appreciate the empathetic responses so far.

I do encourage him to change his shirt. Sometimes he just doesn't want to. What can I do? I didn't know he felt this way until yesterday - but now that I do know, I don't want to throw his insecurities in his face, even if his choices are sometimes making them come true. He's a grown man.

[Anonymous]

Chest size and height? Age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Bariatric surgery will be his solution.

I don't know why but insurance won't cover it. He's scared of surgery but it does seem like it would help. If he wanted to do it, we'd find the $.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way and it's not related to weight. I could tell you it's related to my teeth (I have bad teeth) or my skin or something else. But you know what it's really about? It's childhood abuse and neglect. As a child, my parents did not love me. They yelled at me and criticized constantly and got angry with me for doing things beyond my control (they'd yell at me for making a mistake and then yell at me for crying in response to their yelling). It broke me and I carry around this deep belief that other people do not like me. My brain is attuned to perceive any indication that someone dislikes me -- an eyeroll, visible irritation, anything. But I don't trust any indication that someone DOES like me -- I assume they are being polite or outright lying, and that as soon as I"m not around they will express their true feelings.

I'm 45 years old, have done decades of therapy, and have actually made a lot of progress. But I still feel this way. Even with the small group of trusted people who are closest to me, my spouse and a handful of close friends. In fact right before I read this thread, I was thinking about a longtime friend of mine and our last text exchange about a week ago, and how he'd seemed distracted and irritated. He said it was due to work and his job is stressful so this makes the most sense. But I am convinced he was annoyed with me and wishing he didn't have to interact with me.

I am not sure there is any way to fix it. I am told the key is to learn to love yourself unconditionally. I am still working on it.

Anyway, I bet that's what is going on with your DH on some level. Maybe not the exact same experience in childhood but probably some kind of trauma that fundamentally undermined his sense of self worth. Sure, dressing better or losing weight might help some. But it won't fix it, I promise. It's really about what is going on inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this way and it's not related to weight. I could tell you it's related to my teeth (I have bad teeth) or my skin or something else. But you know what it's really about? It's childhood abuse and neglect. As a child, my parents did not love me. They yelled at me and criticized constantly and got angry with me for doing things beyond my control (they'd yell at me for making a mistake and then yell at me for crying in response to their yelling). It broke me and I carry around this deep belief that other people do not like me. My brain is attuned to perceive any indication that someone dislikes me -- an eyeroll, visible irritation, anything. But I don't trust any indication that someone DOES like me -- I assume they are being polite or outright lying, and that as soon as I"m not around they will express their true feelings.

I'm 45 years old, have done decades of therapy, and have actually made a lot of progress. But I still feel this way. Even with the small group of trusted people who are closest to me, my spouse and a handful of close friends. In fact right before I read this thread, I was thinking about a longtime friend of mine and our last text exchange about a week ago, and how he'd seemed distracted and irritated. He said it was due to work and his job is stressful so this makes the most sense. But I am convinced he was annoyed with me and wishing he didn't have to interact with me.

I am not sure there is any way to fix it. I am told the key is to learn to love yourself unconditionally. I am still working on it.

Anyway, I bet that's what is going on with your DH on some level. Maybe not the exact same experience in childhood but probably some kind of trauma that fundamentally undermined his sense of self worth. Sure, dressing better or losing weight might help some. But it won't fix it, I promise. It's really about what is going on inside.

I am OP and just want to send you so much empathy and <3.

I think that's really insightful, and I wonder if that is what's going on. He is close with his parents but I wonder if there is some trauma that's at the very least contributng to this.

[Anonymous]

Ditch the old clothes and find him something comfortable to wear around the house that he doesn’t need to change out of for a casual dinner. You can’t change how he eats unless you’re doing all the cooking and shopping.

[Anonymous]

If you give more detail we can make suggestions, or ask over in fashion. Anything he won’t wear or prefers like long sleeves or button downs? Size/age? Where do you go? Fancy dinners, local diners?

[Anonymous]

That hurts to read OP . OP people are CRUEL especially here in the DC area. I have an autoimmune disease that has disfigured me not only have they make fun of me for "still" wearing a mask out (they have even fake coughed and laughed looking right at me) they have commented/asked me about my looks, like "what happened to you..." SOOOO rude.

There is something really wrong with those people and their hearts--tell him that it is them not him. I always wonder if some day these people will get to experience what we do I think that is the only way they will ever "get" it because it seems like they're not smart enough to understand otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I'd get rid of the dirty clothes and replace with new ones. Can you go for walks together? Can you help enforce the healthy eating? Maybe private trainer if hes self conscious about going to the gym?