DD is unhappy at her private and wants to do virtual school for two months before switching schools

[Anonymous]

Freshman year is very difficult for a lot of girls and the private really should be doing more in looking out for her. Is there no safe place for her to eat lunch for the next two months? A classroom? I'd talk to the administration about how she's feeling and see what they can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I would let her. I was bullied and it was hell on earth. I would not let my child stay someplace where she was that miserable. Mental health matters. Years from now she won’t remember the bit of the curriculum she missed, but she will remember that her happiness was important to you.

I wouldn’t let the bullies rob her once again be creating a big red flag on her college apps by failing to complete her freshman year. It’s unclear what OP even means about “transferring her to virtual.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Freshman year is very difficult for a lot of girls and the private really should be doing more in looking out for her. Is there no safe place for her to eat lunch for the next two months? A classroom? I'd talk to the administration about how she's feeling and see what they can do.

Yes, you are paying for the privilege of going to this school. Have them set up a safe place for her to eat. Hopefully they will rise to this bar at least.

[Anonymous]

We are also in a survival mode. DD sits alone and reads books during lunch.

[Anonymous]

This is why you don’t listen to others who say schools “ are bad” without getting specific reasons. Your kid may have been happy continuing on in public.
Bad is usually a code word for too many people of color go there. White people don’t like it so consider it a bad school and spread that rumor.
Having said that, in your situation if she is already accepted at the new school I would consider letting her homeschool from now then through the summer. I’d keep it up over the summer too. It’s only a couple of hours a day.

[Anonymous]

Ask about alternate places to eat lunch. If that doesn’t work, finish the year at public (maybe she will make some friends too).

[Anonymous]

OP this breaks my heart. I wonder if your daughter is at the same school as mine. My daughter has not been bullied, but she has not found a friend group. She basically sits with girls in another grade at lunch because nobody in her grade wants to talk to her. She is resilient and has not expressed a desire to switch schools. She likes the teachers and the quality of education she is getting and while she has no close friends, nobody has been mean to her.

It is hard to give advice, but I agree with others that switching to virtual now would not look good to colleges on her transcript. Can you get her psychological support in the meantime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask about alternate places to eat lunch. If that doesn’t work, finish the year at public (maybe she will make some friends too).

This. She's being bullied. See if the school will let her eat lunch in a classroom or volunteer in the library.

It would be great academically for her to finish her classes rather than switching to virtual. If lunch is the main issue, that seems like there could be solves. But I'd also work on finding her other social outlets so she can make friends outside of school. She'll feel better about school if she has other friends to see on nights and weekends. Those girls will be less likely to get under her skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask about alternate places to eat lunch. If that doesn’t work, finish the year at public (maybe she will make some friends too).

This. She's being bullied. See if the school will let her eat lunch in a classroom or volunteer in the library.

It would be great academically for her to finish her classes rather than switching to virtual. If lunch is the main issue, that seems like there could be solves. But I'd also work on finding her other social outlets so she can make friends outside of school. She'll feel better about school if she has other friends to see on nights and weekends. Those girls will be less likely to get under her skin.

Yep, I wasnt bullied but had no friend group in Hs. I sat in the library and did homework, I survived. Walked out at graduation and never spoke to anyone there again.

[Anonymous]

I was bullied in middle and high school and was absolutely miserable. My parents wouldn’t let me switch schools because they thought the school I was at was the best in the area (it was also a small private school) and that none of the other schools were good enough for me. In about March of my sophomore year I told them I wouldn’t go back to that school the following year and they had to find an alternative. Virtual school didn’t exist but they did let me switch schools after that year. Honestly the knowledge that I’d be moving made the last few months a lot easier to bear and I managed to stick it out at school despite my misery.
Please let your kid switch schools. I don’t fully understand the option to move her out now, but definitely advocate for her with school and get her some better options to make it through the next few months.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried to engage the school at all? Sounds like you’re a little hands off and the one of the reasons for private is that there are greater resources for addressing this. Have you talked to her advisor? Her specific teachers. The counselor? The gym teacher? These are all people who may be able to help during the day to subtly figure out ways to help her navigate.

Have you helped her with her social life at all by talking through why is happening? By helping her try to get deeper with friends one on one and not in a group setting? Looking for some boys to be friends with not just girls?

Do her activities support her ability to make deeper friendships with other people? Does she have friends outside of her school who she can feel good about?

These are just some initial ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, she needs to stick it out. Maybe this seems unfathomable to you and her, but I and plenty of others have sat by themselves at various grade levels. I vividly remember sitting BY MYSELF WITH A BOOK on certain days. Yes, there are literally other options for your kid - she doesn't need to sit with people she doesn't have a good rapport with. She can reach out to others. She just isn't used to being the odd one out.

Wake up, OP and kid. This is very minor, in the grand scheme of things. Better to live through this in high school and build social resilience rather than later.

It's one thing to be left out and another to be the target of malicious gossip

She’s got to lean into it. Embrace being different and learn that this gossip can’t hurt her, because she’s leaving at the end of the year. It will be a huge growth opportunity for her.

- BTDT

[Anonymous]

She needs to stick out the next couple months.

You need to go up the chain and enlist the administration now. You can email head of upper school with counselor CC'd. There could be someone else to set her up with. Your DD may need to realize the choice is to sit alone, sit with this not great group, or make friends with someone she otherwise would not gravitate towards who perhaps is more on the outs also.

Maybe every couple weeks take her out at lunchtime for an "appointment" if you are able, or on a less important/academic day let her have a day off/mental health day.

See if there is an activity she can get involved with at school this spring that gives her some purpose or connection at the school.

*Again- you need to call and speak with the head of upper school. You are at a private school, not public- they should be working with you more on this to make sure your child isn't miserable.

[Anonymous]

I dont think she needs to” stick it out”. Imagine if we had no say in where we worked, who we hung out with and the environment we were in everyday. She's still a child and telling you that she needs help. To me, mental health above any academics. I would absolutely support her even if it if meant online school. Two months when you are 13 will not dictate her entire life, even academically. That being said, try to help her find a place and purpose, meaning an activity/ volunteer/ something. I think the lesson is, it's brave to realize something isn't working and that we can make changes when things are bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t listen to others who say schools “ are bad” without getting specific reasons. Your kid may have been happy continuing on in public.
Bad is usually a code word for too many people of color go there. White people don’t like it so consider it a bad school and spread that rumor.
Having said that, in your situation if she is already accepted at the new school I would consider letting her homeschool from now then through the summer. I’d keep it up over the summer too. It’s only a couple of hours a day.

OP here. I am a person of color. Our local public has a big drug problem.