S/O- I can’t stop thinking about my emotional affair partner

[Anonymous]

You are focused on what you have given up/lost.

Maybe focus on what you would lose if you don’t let go of your EA partner? You say you love your DH and he is a good partner. What friends would you lose? How would your lifestyle suffer if your had to sell your house? What would your kids think? Is this guy worth losing half your time with your kids? Does he have kids? They’d probably hate you forever. I’m being harder than the reality because you need a reason to let go. There are people that could have been good partners for you but you shouldn’t break your vows for them.

What about the things you don’t know? What if he smells like pumpkins when he sleeps? What if he isn’t kind and tender about certain things? What if he is horrible in bed? Assume every bad thing you don’t know is true. Build a narrative that makes him inferior to your husband and focus on why your DH is a great guy that you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has it been since you last spoke?

Since August. Freaking August!

The whole thing is fading…. slowly… verrryy sloowwwly.

DH is aware of the EA.

I think my therapist “graduated” me because we exhausted this discussion and strategies to deal with it, along with everything else. Therapy has reasonable limits and sometimes talking about an issue is no longer helpful. There was nothing else she could give me and I think, to her I was very serious about implementing everything I learned in therapy and doing the work. And I am!

But it’s so annoying. I just want to focus on my life and enjoy it. I don’t want to find a new therapist and go through the whole story all over again because I can’t quite get over this hump. I am giving myself a couple of weeks.

You sound similar to me but I can't stop thinking about it because I can't believe I ever did it, or I'm terrified to bring it up by accident. It's been 6 years and I think about it nearly every day. So it is less noisy but it never stopped.

[Anonymous]

Been there. It will fade away! So much of that feeling is hormonal and chemical and you need to just let the process play out.

Try not to see him ever or look him up on the Internet. Will bring up all those chemicals again.

Don't feel too guilty! This is such a normal part of midlife and many of us have been there. Be very thankful that you never crossed the line into a physical affair, which really could have derailed your life.

[Anonymous]

I think the two posts on meditation/not getting hooked into your thoughts are the way to go. By continuing to ruminate on him everytime he pops into your head, you are feeding the beast. He pops into your head? Oh, hi, thought ,you say. Back to focus on what you were originally doing. The thought will fade away. Repeat each time it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the two posts on meditation/not getting hooked into your thoughts are the way to go. By continuing to ruminate on him everytime he pops into your head, you are feeding the beast. He pops into your head? Oh, hi, thought ,you say. Back to focus on what you were originally doing. The thought will fade away. Repeat each time it happens.

But it happens every day multiple times a day…

[Anonymous]

Fantasize about him while making love to your husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the two posts on meditation/not getting hooked into your thoughts are the way to go. By continuing to ruminate on him everytime he pops into your head, you are feeding the beast. He pops into your head? Oh, hi, thought ,you say. Back to focus on what you were originally doing. The thought will fade away. Repeat each time it happens.

But it happens every day multiple times a day…

Yes and you have to redirect each time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has it been since you last spoke?

Since August. Freaking August!

The whole thing is fading…. slowly… verrryy sloowwwly.

DH is aware of the EA.

I think my therapist “graduated” me because we exhausted this discussion and strategies to deal with it, along with everything else. Therapy has reasonable limits and sometimes talking about an issue is no longer helpful. There was nothing else she could give me and I think, to her I was very serious about implementing everything I learned in therapy and doing the work. And I am!

But it’s so annoying. I just want to focus on my life and enjoy it. I don’t want to find a new therapist and go through the whole story all over again because I can’t quite get over this hump. I am giving myself a couple of weeks.

You sound similar to me but I can't stop thinking about it because I can't believe I ever did it, or I'm terrified to bring it up by accident. It's been 6 years and I think about it nearly every day. So it is less noisy but it never stopped.

6 years?! Who was this person to you and how long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are like someone who can’t stop thinking about drinking when they stop, or eating when on a diet, or cigarettes when stopping.

It’s not love it’s an addiction to something that helps you escape your boring self. You can’t run away from yourself and a good marriage can’t heal it either.

You need individual therapy not couples therapy.

+1

This is excellent advice. 👍🏽

[Anonymous]

Did you ever get closure on this? I’m in the same boat but we still talk semi regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the two posts on meditation/not getting hooked into your thoughts are the way to go. By continuing to ruminate on him everytime he pops into your head, you are feeding the beast. He pops into your head? Oh, hi, thought ,you say. Back to focus on what you were originally doing. The thought will fade away. Repeat each time it happens.

But it happens every day multiple times a day…

Yes and you have to redirect each time

+1. Sounds like all the more the reason to learn to unhook.

[Anonymous]

The desire to feel special is the root of much obsession.
The desire for something that makes you feel special can be panty wetting.
The desire to feel special. You either have to notice how real people in real life make you feel valued, how you are special to them or get detoxxed.

[Anonymous]

Honestly you need a spicy booktok book. I love to listen to the ones done by graphic audio. I don’t think you want to cheat, you just want something to fantasize about.

[Anonymous]

I strongly suspect this isn’t about The Other, but about escape and excitement. It has nothing to do with The Other Person. It’s you who has this need for escape, adventure, etc.
Discuss this need for adventure with your partner, and see what you can come up with! Skydiving, white water rafting, something like that.

[Anonymous]

I can relate except for me it’s an ex who is still a friend. We hardly ever talk. I am just ignoring the thoughts… I mean I give them a second and then I try to focus on something else.