S/O- I can’t stop thinking about my emotional affair partner

[Anonymous]

And I don’t know what to do about it.

During a particularly horrible period in my marriage, I developed a relationship with another man. It was pretty brief, and we both decided to stop communicating entirely. It’s not likely that I will ever see or speak to this guy ever again.

But I can’t stop thinking about him! I fantasize about him so often; more often than could possibly be healthy by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t even find him sexually or physically attractive, but in my fantasies, I am all over him. It’s utterly bizarre. I realized later that I was addicted to how he made me feel- that I was sexy and vibrant and not a middle aged frump in a failing marriage.

Meanwhile, DH and I are doing so well, we actually graduated couples counseling, as in the counselor felt we just didn’t need her anymore. Our relationship is better than it ever was, we are intimate frequently, we make each other laugh, we solve conflicts without big fights, etc. I love my DH very, very much. My career is going well, my kids are doing well, our finances are good. My life has never been this good before and yet my brain is trapped.

My only hope is that the whole thing fades over time- it already has, but at a snail’s pace. My thoughts about the other man are not quite as emotionally charged as they once were, and kind of spike at certain times of the month. But I hate it. I decided that if this is still bothering me in a couple weeks, I will return to my therapist or the couples counselor on my own (I graduated individual therapy too!).

If anyone has gotten through this please advise.

[Anonymous]

As long as you don’t contact him it will go away.

[Anonymous]

You are like someone who can’t stop thinking about drinking when they stop, or eating when on a diet, or cigarettes when stopping.

It’s not love it’s an addiction to something that helps you escape your boring self. You can’t run away from yourself and a good marriage can’t heal it either.

You need individual therapy not couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are like someone who can’t stop thinking about drinking when they stop, or eating when on a diet, or cigarettes when stopping.

It’s not love it’s an addiction to something that helps you escape your boring self. You can’t run away from yourself and a good marriage can’t heal it either.

You need individual therapy not couples therapy.

This.

[Anonymous]

I agree that individual therapy would be helpful.

What you are dealing with are intrusive thoughts, and then creating meaning around those thoughts that then causes anxiety.

Can try letting the thought just come in and then pass without attaching any other story? Like watching it in a movie?

Maybe even create a mantra when those thoughts arise:
“I see this thought, I enjoyed feeling that way, but I am glad I chose the path I am on”

[Anonymous]

Glad your marriage is in a better place, be thankful for the relief your emotional affair brought you and be doubly so for not getting caught.
It will fade, might take a year or two.

[Anonymous]

How long has it been since you last spoke?

[Anonymous]

How did this relationship develop and what was it- texts or phone calls? Sounds like mild limerence (https://livingwithlimerence.com/) to me especially if you thought about leaving at any point (even if just a remote concept at the time).

Glad to her your marriage/life is going great this is very manageable more about you vs the "emotional affair partner" as you seem to recognize.

[Anonymous]

Op - I write this with kindness, not snark - but you don’t “graduate” from therapy. It’s a tool that’s available when you want it - in crisis or just as an additional place to process. If your therapist has used this term - ask her/him why. And also - in individual therapy, were you truly open about your thoughts and feelings? Or was it surface?

There is no shame in returning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has it been since you last spoke?

Since August. Freaking August!

The whole thing is fading…. slowly… verrryy sloowwwly.

DH is aware of the EA.

I think my therapist “graduated” me because we exhausted this discussion and strategies to deal with it, along with everything else. Therapy has reasonable limits and sometimes talking about an issue is no longer helpful. There was nothing else she could give me and I think, to her I was very serious about implementing everything I learned in therapy and doing the work. And I am!

But it’s so annoying. I just want to focus on my life and enjoy it. I don’t want to find a new therapist and go through the whole story all over again because I can’t quite get over this hump. I am giving myself a couple of weeks.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same place once but it definitely faded over time, but not out of existence. You just reminded me of him but that will go away.

[Anonymous]

How did you meet him and how did you start it? Did he know he was your emotional AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has it been since you last spoke?

Since August. Freaking August!

The whole thing is fading…. slowly… verrryy sloowwwly.

DH is aware of the EA.

I think my therapist “graduated” me because we exhausted this discussion and strategies to deal with it, along with everything else. Therapy has reasonable limits and sometimes talking about an issue is no longer helpful. There was nothing else she could give me and I think, to her I was very serious about implementing everything I learned in therapy and doing the work. And I am!

But it’s so annoying. I just want to focus on my life and enjoy it. I don’t want to find a new therapist and go through the whole story all over again because I can’t quite get over this hump. I am giving myself a couple of weeks.

Wait, it hasn't even been a year since the "particularly horrible period" in your marriage, during which you had an emotional affair? And you think you've "graduated" from therapy because your marriage is "better than it ever was" and has "never been this good"?

It hasn't even been a year. I don't know you, so maybe what you say is true. But it sounds like heavy denial to me. Especially when you couple it with "I am giving myself a couple of weeks".

It doesn't sounds like you've done an honest moral inventory of your EA at all, which may be why you don't want to find a new therapist and go through the whole story (you wrote "again" but, if you'd really gone through it all, to the crumbs in the corners, there wouldn't be lingering mess like this).

It sounds like you may have done the "smile and nod" to your old therapist, who realized there wasn't more they could make available to you, a person in denial. People have to choose change; going to therapy isn't a magic pill.

Again, I don't know you, OP. Maybe you really are just that good, and everything's just as hunky-dory as you claim. But, if it were, would you be posting this here? I think not. Do yourself a favor and get honest about these feelings/projections/fantasties you keep indulging, and why, and what's not perfect in your marriage (no relationship with another human being will ever be perfect; we're all flawed creatures).

And then, if you're willing to be honest and get this resolved, go to therapy and tell the whole truth.

[Anonymous]

Meditation. Any approach geared towards rumination. Your brain is looping. Focus on neuroplasticity

[Anonymous]

Give into the fantasy and then see it all the way through. Think through the enjoyable parts (which you have apparently), but then envision your spouse finding out, and your kids. Imagine your EA partner’s family finding out. Imagine word spreading through your social community, the shame of it. Then the split. Not having your kids on Christmas morning because shared custody. Living at a lower financial status. Etc. etc. Really marinate on the bad parts of it the way you have the good parts of it. Train your mind to associate your EA partner with all the negative stuff that would come to create a new emotional response to thoughts of him.