S/O- I can’t stop thinking about my emotional affair partner

[Anonymous]

You only live once. Go hook up with him discreetly and get it out of your system.

[Anonymous]

Oh! I am OP, and this is my thread!

I will tell you what happened: at almost exactly 18 months after meeting this guy, it was like a switch went off. I think this actually corresponds to the amount of time “love hormones” last. Suddenly these very very intense feelings I had for him… went away. I can still think about him, but the crazy intensity of my feelings have gone away. It was that intensity that deeply bothered me. It felt like I had lost something so precious even though intellectually I know that wasn’t the case. I feel better, like it was my body that went totally haywire and not my moral compass.

Over time I think about the whole mess less and less. I have been totally honest with DH, who says that I can sleep with this guy for all he cares, as long as he gets to stay married to me. Something about that was very touching to me. I won’t be sleeping with anyone other than DH though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate except for me it’s an ex who is still a friend. We hardly ever talk. I am just ignoring the thoughts… I mean I give them a second and then I try to focus on something else.

same.

[Anonymous]

I go through weird stages where sometimes I feel over it and other times I feel so deep in it. Can’t stand it. I swear it correlates with my cycle??? I do feel like I love the feeling he gives me but I also care about him so just all so confusing. Think it’s because we became close when I was already having deep issues in my marriage and on the verge of separation. This post resonated a lot with me.

[Anonymous]

I was in your husband’s position aside from the sleep with him part. My wife was the team mom and a SAHM, where she was pursued heavily by the coach and loved being so desired. Though it was short lived physically because he wasn’t good in bed (hilariously), they bonded and remained hidden friends. At the time he was divorced and dating the women’s team coach, who he later married. Lives have been ruined, potential destroyed and regret has become the foundation for her adult life.

Not a day goes by that I don’t fantasize about a different life for our kids, for her and for me. I believe you are fantasizing about the escape the affair offered from a challenging period of growth in your marriage and life, not the OM. Invest that desire into creating an affair experience with your husband, instead of running away. Prove you are as desirable as you allowed the poacher make you feel and your fantasies might become reality with your husband.

[Anonymous]

You’re definitely not over that man and the emotional affair you had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the two posts on meditation/not getting hooked into your thoughts are the way to go. By continuing to ruminate on him everytime he pops into your head, you are feeding the beast. He pops into your head? Oh, hi, thought ,you say. Back to focus on what you were originally doing. The thought will fade away. Repeat each time it happens.

But it happens every day multiple times a day…

What we resist, persists.

Try to observe the thoughts like they're happening to someone else. They're just thoughts. Of course we like the hormones associated with falling in love. Of course those fade in a long term marriage. These facts don't have to have any great meaning.

Just be kind and compassionate to yourself. "These feelings make sense. It's fun to fall in love. But the goal of love is just to end up where I already am . . . in a mature, committed, lifelong relationship. I already have what I want. I release these feelings without judgment."

[Anonymous]

Here’s how I got rid of my crush: I focused on little personality quirks that, over time, would grow to annoy me. I pictured future arguments, my future self being super annoyed at him, etc. I also pictured him straining on the toilet and imagined him with really bad breath. This all worked, that and time! Completely over it now.

[Anonymous]

I had sex with mine and it wasn’t that great.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you?

There is a particularly weird hormonal period in a woman's life - starts at 40 and ends at 50+ - where you become supemely lustful. It can result in a physical affair if you are open to it, or sometimes because of your boundaries and morality it becomes an EA or stays in your fantasy life. You can go to pretty dark places to find the validation and "fix".

What any woman in OP's shoes should do is not blow up her marriage for this. Certainly not have sex with AP. Recognize the wild hormonal ride that you are on and buy some toys. And yes, show your wild sexual side to your DH and rope him into being a willing partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how I got rid of my crush: I focused on little personality quirks that, over time, would grow to annoy me. I pictured future arguments, my future self being super annoyed at him, etc. I also pictured him straining on the toilet and imagined him with really bad breath. This all worked, that and time! Completely over it now.

worth a try

[Anonymous]

I had an EA that lasted for about half a year, they were every other thought and continued to be for about a year after last contact, then it was once a day and now maybe once a month or so but very briefly. It just takes time.

I don’t even recognize myself from that time period, in the end it was incredibly destructive but I’d never trade it away, it amplified everything in my life that I needed to fix. It wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t sexual but it was incredibly intense in a way that still doesn’t make sense to me. I’d be really curious to see what it would feel like to talk to them again but I doubt that will ever happen even accidentally.

As good as you felt you know it doesn’t last, as bad as you feel you know that won’t last either, just give it time. Look around and see what’s missing, something opened that window because it wants to get out, so figure it out.