Is there hope for my husband and me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope for what?

Life is not a Bollywood film. What exactly are you expecting?

I say this as a woman who made our marriage like a romance novel upon request until I got cancer.

OP here. Hope for us to be happy together. Hope for me to stop doubting whether he loves me and parlaying that doubt into fights.

My husband has always been like this. I realize that I can get over it when life is fine overall, but when I’m having a really difficult time (at my very intense job, with recent political events that directly endanger my loved ones’ lives, constant kid illnesses, etc) I just really struggle not to have a safe haven where I can feel loved. I don’t think connecting for 5 min in a loving way is a “romance novel.”

OP, this is a YOU problem. And you are pushing your DH away. Do some deep work in therapy on your childhood, family of origin, ability to emotionally regulate, etc. Life as a single mom would be more stressful w/o any of the several times a week romance. You picked someone who is not too demonstrative and now you want him to become someone else and you are creating a tense and unhappy home for your children, who may have to have 2 homes. Your husband is a stand in for an internal drama and patterns from the past. You might want to find a therapist who is Gottman trained.

PP, I am sorry to read of your cancer diagnosis and hope your treatment is going well and that you are getting adequate support. All the best to you on your healing journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is extremely non-expressive. He’s not a words guy, doesn’t have a high libido, doesn’t express emotions unless he’s really upset.

We went through a rough patch recently because he was overwhelmed with a stressful job and two young kids and got very resentful about how our life turned out and was snippy and mean.

We went to therapy and the resentment seems to have gone (It’s been over a month since the last incident) but it’s replaced with… nothing.

He pulls his weight at home, he’s polite to me. We talk about logistics. Occasionally we’ll have sex and it’s good.

I feel a total lack of love from him. I think it’s reasonable for spouses to express love every day in small ways. For instance, sharing an interesting article he read, saying that he’s looking forward to cuddling on the couch together after kids go to bed, suggesting a date night idea, just any 5-second indication that he cares.

He feels that doing this a couple times a week is enough, and I should just know he loves me even if he’s just spent the whole day working/talking logistics/greeting me with small talk and an expressionless face.

I’ve tried using the approaches we learned in therapy to share how important it is to hear a few loving words. I’ve tried giving him lots of space and not taking abt this at all so he doesn’t feel pressured or defensive. But I think this is just who he is as a person.

Your feelings are valid, of course. However, he may feel henpecked and withdraws as a result. You could be in a pusuer-avoidant dynamic. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-pursuer-distancer-dynamic/

I would also suggest that if you say he's doing this a couple of times a week but you need it every day, you might be a little too needy and are actually being dismissive of his efforts. By your own account, he IS TRYING, it's just not enough for you.

He might also be guarded with emotions because of the way you've reacted to them in the past. I'm not saying that's for sure in your relationship, but it's a common thing with men. There's a Catch-22 -- women complain their men are emotional unavailable, but if their man expresses emotions, their partner can't handle it and react poorly. And so the men figure out the safest thing is to not express emotions, which then cause their partner to complain they're emotionally unavailable.

Individual therapy for both of you might help. You could try couples therapy after. Although I'm generally very wary of couples therapy. That's usually just a check-the-box step en route for divorce and a lot of women use it as a way to convince their man it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope for what?

Life is not a Bollywood film. What exactly are you expecting?

I say this as a woman who made our marriage like a romance novel upon request until I got cancer.

OP here. Hope for us to be happy together. Hope for me to stop doubting whether he loves me and parlaying that doubt into fights.

My husband has always been like this. I realize that I can get over it when life is fine overall, but when I’m having a really difficult time (at my very intense job, with recent political events that directly endanger my loved ones’ lives, constant kid illnesses, etc) I just really struggle not to have a safe haven where I can feel loved. I don’t think connecting for 5 min in a loving way is a “romance novel.”

OP, this is a YOU problem. And you are pushing your DH away. Do some deep work in therapy on your childhood, family of origin, ability to emotionally regulate, etc. Life as a single mom would be more stressful w/o any of the several times a week romance. You picked someone who is not too demonstrative and now you want him to become someone else and you are creating a tense and unhappy home for your children, who may have to have 2 homes. Your husband is a stand in for an internal drama and patterns from the past. You might want to find a therapist who is Gottman trained.

PP, I am sorry to read of your cancer diagnosis and hope your treatment is going well and that you are getting adequate support. All the best to you on your healing journey.

+1 Unresolved stuff from your family of origin. Dr. Harville Hendrix has 3-4 books on coupling both for the couple and the individual which address why we’re drawn to the partners we are, how to identify what we’re trying to heal, and then how to address it within the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's always been like this, I think it is a bit unfair to expect him to change.

This.

Not sure how good your therapist was but did they explore if he or his family had these same high functioning symptoms? (Poor comms, not social, easily overwhelmed, shut down or get angry, out of touch with their or anyone’s emotions, lack of true empathy or understanding)

If the above is a likely possibility, then find an ASD specialist therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope for what?

Life is not a Bollywood film. What exactly are you expecting?

I say this as a woman who made our marriage like a romance novel upon request until I got cancer.

OP here. Hope for us to be happy together. Hope for me to stop doubting whether he loves me and parlaying that doubt into fights.

My husband has always been like this. I realize that I can get over it when life is fine overall, but when I’m having a really difficult time (at my very intense job, with recent political events that directly endanger my loved ones’ lives, constant kid illnesses, etc) I just really struggle not to have a safe haven where I can feel loved. I don’t think connecting for 5 min in a loving way is a “romance novel.”

Hmm.

He seems to lack empathy and he isn’t supportive or understanding of what you are going through (or anyone with children with illness or intense political season would be; it’s not a you thing).
Certainly isn’t emotionally supportive or pepping you up or relaxing you during tough times.

I assume he’s the same with the kids: lack of real connection or support.

[Anonymous]

OP if he’s always been like this then I imagine he feels quite attacked when you’re now telling him he isn’t good enough.

I get it, I understand how you feel lonely, and I appreciate how it’s ok when everything else is ok but much harder when things aren't great.

I would ask him if there’s things he’d like to do together - you mention discussing an article or snuggling on the couch but maybe he wants to go for walks with you or cook something with you (I’m just spitballing). Then I would find ways to make myself happy that don’t involve him. Not to be petulant, but because one person usually can’t give us everything and that doesn’t meant they’re not the right person for us, just that they can’t be our everything.

[Anonymous]

Do you really think he would be pulling his weight at home while in a stressful job, going to therapy and adjusting as best he can if he didn’t care about you?

He sounds like he is going through depression or a difficult period and instead of acting like a safe cushion, you are insisting on specific behaviors he is not able to produce at the moment.

Do you love HIM?

[Anonymous]

I'm dating someone like this. It's hard. I have to keep reminding myself that our love languages are different. I also have to keep reminding myself that at least he is nice to me and that the dating pool absolutely sucks and that most guys I've met recently aren't that great. We've had several chats about it, and I think he does try, but this is who he is.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to develop your inner resources to comfort and soothe yourself through the stressful times you are experiencing. It is unrealistic to expect your DH to soothe you all of the time when he has his own stresses, and this pressure likely adds to that stress and may cause him to withdraw further. It is at least worth trying, as divorcing and being a single mom will be even more stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope for what?

Life is not a Bollywood film. What exactly are you expecting?

I say this as a woman who made our marriage like a romance novel upon request until I got cancer.

OP here. Hope for us to be happy together. Hope for me to stop doubting whether he loves me and parlaying that doubt into fights.

My husband has always been like this. I realize that I can get over it when life is fine overall, but when I’m having a really difficult time (at my very intense job, with recent political events that directly endanger my loved ones’ lives, constant kid illnesses, etc) I just really struggle not to have a safe haven where I can feel loved. I don’t think connecting for 5 min in a loving way is a “romance novel.”

The problem is you, and it’s on you to do something about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you come off as selfish. I am in a new job and very stressed out. This is important for guys as we want to think of ourselves as providers. Give it some time and give him a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dating someone like this. It's hard. I have to keep reminding myself that our love languages are different. I also have to keep reminding myself that at least he is nice to me and that the dating pool absolutely sucks and that most guys I've met recently aren't that great. We've had several chats about it, and I think he does try, but this is who he is.

Dating shouldn’t be that hard. Find someone more compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to develop your inner resources to comfort and soothe yourself through the stressful times you are experiencing. It is unrealistic to expect your DH to soothe you all of the time when he has his own stresses, and this pressure likely adds to that stress and may cause him to withdraw further. It is at least worth trying, as divorcing and being a single mom will be even more stressful.

This. This. This. Accept DH the way he is. You need to learn to sooth your stressful times yourself and build resiliency.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t blow up my life or DC life. Your are going through a lot. DH and I were in the brink of divorce a few times in the last 22 years. We are in a much better place now that DC are older and our stress is 1/2!of what it used to be.
Ñ

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to develop your inner resources to comfort and soothe yourself through the stressful times you are experiencing. It is unrealistic to expect your DH to soothe you all of the time when he has his own stresses, and this pressure likely adds to that stress and may cause him to withdraw further. It is at least worth trying, as divorcing and being a single mom will be even more stressful.

This. This. This. Accept DH the way he is. You need to learn to sooth your stressful times yourself and build resiliency.

OP here. This sounds right. Any advice how to do this? I try to fit in exercise/meditation/journaling, they work well when I’m just managing the usual stress of work, home, and kids. But they don’t seem to work when there’s another missile attack and my friends are sharing gruesome pictures of burned bodies that used to be moms and babies. And my company suffered several setbacks and everyone blames me and I’m all alone carrying the entire responsibility to make it against the odds. And the kids get sick right before a huge nonrefundable event. And I’m still working and caring for the kids and organizing 100% of our social lives because we’re new-ish and all the people we’ve met are happy to come to things but never invite us themselves. And I can’t scare off all these new people I’m getting to know by dumping this stress on them.

Ok I’m done venting. My point is that I want to know how to gracefully carry all this without leaning on DH, but it’s just a lot.