Is there hope for my husband and me?

[Anonymous]

My husband is extremely non-expressive. He’s not a words guy, doesn’t have a high libido, doesn’t express emotions unless he’s really upset.

We went through a rough patch recently because he was overwhelmed with a stressful job and two young kids and got very resentful about how our life turned out and was snippy and mean.

We went to therapy and the resentment seems to have gone (It’s been over a month since the last incident) but it’s replaced with… nothing.

He pulls his weight at home, he’s polite to me. We talk about logistics. Occasionally we’ll have sex and it’s good.

I feel a total lack of love from him. I think it’s reasonable for spouses to express love every day in small ways. For instance, sharing an interesting article he read, saying that he’s looking forward to cuddling on the couch together after kids go to bed, suggesting a date night idea, just any 5-second indication that he cares.

He feels that doing this a couple times a week is enough, and I should just know he loves me even if he’s just spent the whole day working/talking logistics/greeting me with small talk and an expressionless face.

I’ve tried using the approaches we learned in therapy to share how important it is to hear a few loving words. I’ve tried giving him lots of space and not taking abt this at all so he doesn’t feel pressured or defensive. But I think this is just who he is as a person.

[Anonymous]

If he's always been like this, I think it is a bit unfair to expect him to change.

[Anonymous]

Yes has he always been like this? Or was he different before kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is extremely non-expressive. He’s not a words guy, doesn’t have a high libido, doesn’t express emotions unless he’s really upset.

We went through a rough patch recently because he was overwhelmed with a stressful job and two young kids and got very resentful about how our life turned out and was snippy and mean.

We went to therapy and the resentment seems to have gone (It’s been over a month since the last incident) but it’s replaced with… nothing.

He pulls his weight at home, he’s polite to me. We talk about logistics. Occasionally we’ll have sex and it’s good.

I feel a total lack of love from him. I think it’s reasonable for spouses to express love every day in small ways. For instance, sharing an interesting article he read, saying that he’s looking forward to cuddling on the couch together after kids go to bed, suggesting a date night idea, just any 5-second indication that he cares.

He feels that doing this a couple times a week is enough, and I should just know he loves me even if he’s just spent the whole day working/talking logistics/greeting me with small talk and an expressionless face.

I’ve tried using the approaches we learned in therapy to share how important it is to hear a few loving words. I’ve tried giving him lots of space and not taking abt this at all so he doesn’t feel pressured or defensive. But I think this is just who he is as a person.

You say total lack of love but then go on to say he does the things you want a few times a week. Am I missing something? Sounds like he does make an effort, just not as much as you’d like. Marriage is about compromise, some times you don’t get everything you want. Instead of focusing on the times he doesn’t, change your mind to be appreciative of the times he does. Reminds me a little of the mismatch in peoples sex drives. Lots of people want sex every day but have to live with a few times a week or even a year.

[Anonymous]

Nope… Time to move on

[Anonymous]

No. just waiting until the kids to go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. just waiting until the kids to go to college.

That should say NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is extremely non-expressive. He’s not a words guy, doesn’t have a high libido, doesn’t express emotions unless he’s really upset.

We went through a rough patch recently because he was overwhelmed with a stressful job and two young kids and got very resentful about how our life turned out and was snippy and mean.

We went to therapy and the resentment seems to have gone (It’s been over a month since the last incident) but it’s replaced with… nothing.

He pulls his weight at home, he’s polite to me. We talk about logistics. Occasionally we’ll have sex and it’s good.

I feel a total lack of love from him. I think it’s reasonable for spouses to express love every day in small ways. For instance, sharing an interesting article he read, saying that he’s looking forward to cuddling on the couch together after kids go to bed, suggesting a date night idea, just any 5-second indication that he cares.

He feels that doing this a couple times a week is enough, and I should just know he loves me even if he’s just spent the whole day working/talking logistics/greeting me with small talk and an expressionless face.

I’ve tried using the approaches we learned in therapy to share how important it is to hear a few loving words. I’ve tried giving him lots of space and not taking abt this at all so he doesn’t feel pressured or defensive. But I think this is just who he is as a person.

You say total lack of love but then go on to say he does the things you want a few times a week. Am I missing something? Sounds like he does make an effort, just not as much as you’d like. Marriage is about compromise, some times you don’t get everything you want. Instead of focusing on the times he doesn’t, change your mind to be appreciative of the times he does. Reminds me a little of the mismatch in peoples sex drives. Lots of people want sex every day but have to live with a few times a week or even a year.

+1

But I’ll add another point - if you can’t live with the compromise - then you need to ask for a divorce and make it clear it’s not his fault, you two are fundamentally incompatible and didn’t realize it until after you had two kids etc.

Also make sure you’d be happier single, than in this current relationship.

This sounds harsh, but as a wife who is like your husband with a husband who is more like you - it’s really hard to be affectionate when every time I am, it’s met with a “that’s nice, why don’t you do that more frequently”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is extremely non-expressive. He’s not a words guy, doesn’t have a high libido, doesn’t express emotions unless he’s really upset.

We went through a rough patch recently because he was overwhelmed with a stressful job and two young kids and got very resentful about how our life turned out and was snippy and mean.

We went to therapy and the resentment seems to have gone (It’s been over a month since the last incident) but it’s replaced with… nothing.

He pulls his weight at home, he’s polite to me. We talk about logistics. Occasionally we’ll have sex and it’s good.

I feel a total lack of love from him. I think it’s reasonable for spouses to express love every day in small ways. For instance, sharing an interesting article he read, saying that he’s looking forward to cuddling on the couch together after kids go to bed, suggesting a date night idea, just any 5-second indication that he cares.

He feels that doing this a couple times a week is enough, and I should just know he loves me even if he’s just spent the whole day working/talking logistics/greeting me with small talk and an expressionless face.

I’ve tried using the approaches we learned in therapy to share how important it is to hear a few loving words. I’ve tried giving him lots of space and not taking abt this at all so he doesn’t feel pressured or defensive. But I think this is just who he is as a person.

You say total lack of love but then go on to say he does the things you want a few times a week. Am I missing something? Sounds like he does make an effort, just not as much as you’d like. Marriage is about compromise, some times you don’t get everything you want. Instead of focusing on the times he doesn’t, change your mind to be appreciative of the times he does. Reminds me a little of the mismatch in peoples sex drives. Lots of people want sex every day but have to live with a few times a week or even a year.

+1

But I’ll add another point - if you can’t live with the compromise - then you need to ask for a divorce and make it clear it’s not his fault, you two are fundamentally incompatible and didn’t realize it until after you had two kids etc.

Also make sure you’d be happier single, than in this current relationship.

This sounds harsh, but as a wife who is like your husband with a husband who is more like you - it’s really hard to be affectionate when every time I am, it’s met with a “that’s nice, why don’t you do that more frequently”

Agree!
With OP’s scenario, I am her husband (as a wife) and she is my husband. I don’t feel appreciated for the things that I do, when I do them but he has no problem calling out my short comings. It makes me not want to do those things so those things now get done out of maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Hope for what?

Life is not a Bollywood film. What exactly are you expecting?

I say this as a woman who made our marriage like a romance novel upon request until I got cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope for what?

Life is not a Bollywood film. What exactly are you expecting?

I say this as a woman who made our marriage like a romance novel upon request until I got cancer.

OP here. Hope for us to be happy together. Hope for me to stop doubting whether he loves me and parlaying that doubt into fights.

My husband has always been like this. I realize that I can get over it when life is fine overall, but when I’m having a really difficult time (at my very intense job, with recent political events that directly endanger my loved ones’ lives, constant kid illnesses, etc) I just really struggle not to have a safe haven where I can feel loved. I don’t think connecting for 5 min in a loving way is a “romance novel.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope for what?

Life is not a Bollywood film. What exactly are you expecting?

I say this as a woman who made our marriage like a romance novel upon request until I got cancer.

OP here. Hope for us to be happy together. Hope for me to stop doubting whether he loves me and parlaying that doubt into fights.

My husband has always been like this. I realize that I can get over it when life is fine overall, but when I’m having a really difficult time (at my very intense job, with recent political events that directly endanger my loved ones’ lives, constant kid illnesses, etc) I just really struggle not to have a safe haven where I can feel loved. I don’t think connecting for 5 min in a loving way is a “romance novel.”

If he has always been like this, then at some point you believed that he loved you despite his demeanor. This also means that he has other good qualities that you love despite his demeanor.

Spouses can change but often by small degrees over time and it’s not fair to expect his entire personality to change all at once. For a lot of people, doing the day in day out work of living together is really the only way they are able to show their love. My FIL was like this and he was horribly sad when MIL died so we know he loved her. I think you need marriage counselling to parse this out.

[Anonymous]

You need to initiate and ask directly. After dinner, do you want to watch X together? Make a standing date like grab coffee while the kids are in day care or take a walk together. Hold hands and give hugs. Wind down in bed together. Kiss him and say I love you every day. Do thoughtful things like getting his favorite beer or wine.

Your marriage is salvageable.

[Anonymous]

I predict he's got a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

I’m still confused bc he DOES do that, right? Just not every day. Also, I get that it seems like such a simple act, but many people (even a few that have chimed in here) just aren’t wired that way and it is a bigger deal, that takes a conscious effort, for them.

I hate to bring up love languages but there’s a reason why they resonate with people. Often times there’s a disconnect between what makes people feel loved. You sound like a words of affirmation type person and your DH is not. It’s entirely possible he doesn’t feel loved by you either, despite your perception that you are showering him with said love. The means by which you are showing him may not resonate and so you both are in this constant loop of miscommunication. You doubling down on what works for you, will likely always miss the mark with him.