How to handle son coming out as trans to an anti-trans, homophobic grandparent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trans woman here. Part of my family is very religious. I tried for very long time. Far longer than most people would have. I don’t regret it and some people’s family do accept them eventually but one of my parents never did and I eventually had to go no contact. After the third time where I was talking in the phone with them and they opened with a raised voice telling me they know me better than I know myself, I had to end it. Every time we got together or spoke on the phone, I was destroyed for several days after.

I wouldn’t say that you have to give up and go no contact immediately but be careful how long you go for. Hopes don’t make things reality.

To the perso. That suggested your son “stay closeted until he passes”, learn a little about trans people. First off, we should be able to be ourselves. Second, if he’s on HRT, we stop passing as our assigned gender before we ever start to pass. There’s an unfortunate time period where one is visibly transgender dressed either way (and this is true for both trans males and trans females).

I'm really sorry for your experience. But it is odd to me that you are suggesting someone else go through this immense pain instead of protecting themselves. Since you have literally btdt, it seems odd to tell others to put themselves through this knowing how painful it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trans woman here. Part of my family is very religious. I tried for very long time. Far longer than most people would have. I don’t regret it and some people’s family do accept them eventually but one of my parents never did and I eventually had to go no contact. After the third time where I was talking in the phone with them and they opened with a raised voice telling me they know me better than I know myself, I had to end it. Every time we got together or spoke on the phone, I was destroyed for several days after.

I wouldn’t say that you have to give up and go no contact immediately but be careful how long you go for. Hopes don’t make things reality.

To the perso. That suggested your son “stay closeted until he passes”, learn a little about trans people. First off, we should be able to be ourselves. Second, if he’s on HRT, we stop passing as our assigned gender before we ever start to pass. There’s an unfortunate time period where one is visibly transgender dressed either way (and this is true for both trans males and trans females).

I'm really sorry for your experience. But it is odd to me that you are suggesting someone else go through this immense pain instead of protecting themselves. Since you have literally btdt, it seems odd to tell others to put themselves through this knowing how painful it was.

I’m not suggesting that at all. I’m trying to say that she be careful how long she subjects herself and her son to toxic family members. Most people don’t give up and go no contact without first coming out because it’s impossible to stop oneself from hoping it will work out. That being said, I would absolutely respect anyone’s decision to just go no contact and never even tell them why.

[Anonymous]

When my son transitioned, post puberty but still a teenager, after much therapy and social transitioning, he was ready to inform family that lived far away. We were planning a visit and I suggested giving them a heads up so they can get used to the idea before seeing the new him. I made the initial calls because if it didn’t go well, I didn’t want him to be the one to hear the negativity. I also didn’t want them to say something unkind in the moment and come around later, knowing those things can’t be unheard and for the relationship to be soured if he wasn’t able to get past anything unkind that they said. I recommend that approach, especially if the people he’s coming out to don’t have good filters and react too quickly.

The responses were exactly the opposite of what we expected among grandparents. The more conservative ones were all about family and love, the very religious said they didn’t really understand but they don’t need to understand to love my family-and most importantly they seemed to understand we were going through a tough time and they were empathetic rather than judgmental, and the fun doting grandparents who seemed to think my kids could do no wrong went off the deep end and we no longer have a relationship with them. DH and I were surprised in good and bad ways by so many people’s responses. Because of that, I would recommend letting family know, and being a buffer for your child if needed. You really can’t always predict how people will react.

I was also very clear that if they had any questions, I would be happy to answer them. I had some resources ready to send them if they didn’t know where to start or wanted to read about other people’s experiences. We tried to make it as easy for everyone to accept as possible. We also discussed the process and got tips from DS’s therapist before we told them. When MIL came to visit, DS had a therapy appointment and we offered to let her go with him so she could meet his therapist and feel comfortable that he was being supported and not being brainwashed. She helped MIL feel comfortable with the process.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure you protect the kid at the cost of the grandparents' feelings. We went through this and we made it very clear that if they felt bad it wasn't our problem how they felt. This was protecting our kid and showing that we were on team kid first.

[Anonymous]

We have a trans child. We have never told other family members, but my parents are deceased and my siblings much older and we don’t talk a lot. We have not told husband’s family, who all live out of state, and we are not close. Our child did not want us to tell them. They came out 12 years as questioning at 19, and have lived as a woman for about 7 years.

Friends of mine have been supportive, and some who have been the most supportive surprised me.

[Anonymous]

^^12 years ago

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my son transitioned, post puberty but still a teenager, after much therapy and social transitioning, he was ready to inform family that lived far away. We were planning a visit and I suggested giving them a heads up so they can get used to the idea before seeing the new him. I made the initial calls because if it didn’t go well, I didn’t want him to be the one to hear the negativity. I also didn’t want them to say something unkind in the moment and come around later, knowing those things can’t be unheard and for the relationship to be soured if he wasn’t able to get past anything unkind that they said. I recommend that approach, especially if the people he’s coming out to don’t have good filters and react too quickly.

The responses were exactly the opposite of what we expected among grandparents. The more conservative ones were all about family and love, the very religious said they didn’t really understand but they don’t need to understand to love my family-and most importantly they seemed to understand we were going through a tough time and they were empathetic rather than judgmental, and the fun doting grandparents who seemed to think my kids could do no wrong went off the deep end and we no longer have a relationship with them. DH and I were surprised in good and bad ways by so many people’s responses. Because of that, I would recommend letting family know, and being a buffer for your child if needed. You really can’t always predict how people will react.

I was also very clear that if they had any questions, I would be happy to answer them. I had some resources ready to send them if they didn’t know where to start or wanted to read about other people’s experiences. We tried to make it as easy for everyone to accept as possible. We also discussed the process and got tips from DS’s therapist before we told them. When MIL came to visit, DS had a therapy appointment and we offered to let her go with him so she could meet his therapist and feel comfortable that he was being supported and not being brainwashed. She helped MIL feel comfortable with the process.

Great advice and approach. You sound like great parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trans woman here. Part of my family is very religious. I tried for very long time. Far longer than most people would have. I don’t regret it and some people’s family do accept them eventually but one of my parents never did and I eventually had to go no contact. After the third time where I was talking in the phone with them and they opened with a raised voice telling me they know me better than I know myself, I had to end it. Every time we got together or spoke on the phone, I was destroyed for several days after.

I wouldn’t say that you have to give up and go no contact immediately but be careful how long you go for. Hopes don’t make things reality.

To the perso. That suggested your son “stay closeted until he passes”, learn a little about trans people. First off, we should be able to be ourselves. Second, if he’s on HRT, we stop passing as our assigned gender before we ever start to pass. There’s an unfortunate time period where one is visibly transgender dressed either way (and this is true for both trans males and trans females).

I'm really sorry for your experience. But it is odd to me that you are suggesting someone else go through this immense pain instead of protecting themselves. Since you have literally btdt, it seems odd to tell others to put themselves through this knowing how painful it was.

I’m not suggesting that at all. I’m trying to say that she be careful how long she subjects herself and her son to toxic family members. Most people don’t give up and go no contact without first coming out because it’s impossible to stop oneself from hoping it will work out. That being said, I would absolutely respect anyone’s decision to just go no contact and never even tell them why.

Thank you for clarifying! I think your post is very valuable for OP.

[Anonymous]

Can’t say I blame the Grandparent.

[Anonymous]

My brother cut off contact preemptively with family members who outspokenly hated the LGBTQIA+ community. When they later saw him at funerals and such and tried to be welcoming and “we love YOU,” he told them to their faces that even if they loved him as an individual, he didn’t want contact with people who hated a community that was his friends, his loved ones, his support, his advocates. So no, you don’t have to give people “a chance.” There are natural consequences to being outspokenly hateful and judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You kid has the right to be his or her authentic self. If s/he wants to tell grandpa and see what happens you support that decision because it is your child. Presumably your dad taught you that. If you dad can’t reconcile this that is on your dad.

It’s not the same but I came out as gay over 25 years ago. I had one conservative friend I was certain would not respond well. I’ll never forget our conversation. He told me that for us to stay friends he would have to literally reject Most everything that he believed in and who he was as a person or we could stop being friends. He then told me that it wasn’t even a close decision and that obviously he needed yo rethink his whole life. I was floored and will
Never forget it.

Are you still friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You kid has the right to be his or her authentic self. If s/he wants to tell grandpa and see what happens you support that decision because it is your child. Presumably your dad taught you that. If you dad can’t reconcile this that is on your dad.

It’s not the same but I came out as gay over 25 years ago. I had one conservative friend I was certain would not respond well. I’ll never forget our conversation. He told me that for us to stay friends he would have to literally reject Most everything that he believed in and who he was as a person or we could stop being friends. He then told me that it wasn’t even a close decision and that obviously he needed yo rethink his whole life. I was floored and will
Never forget it.

Honestly, that's pretty awesome. What a good friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You kid has the right to be his or her authentic self. If s/he wants to tell grandpa and see what happens you support that decision because it is your child. Presumably your dad taught you that. If you dad can’t reconcile this that is on your dad.

It’s not the same but I came out as gay over 25 years ago. I had one conservative friend I was certain would not respond well. I’ll never forget our conversation. He told me that for us to stay friends he would have to literally reject Most everything that he believed in and who he was as a person or we could stop being friends. He then told me that it wasn’t even a close decision and that obviously he needed yo rethink his whole life. I was floored and will
Never forget it.

Honestly, that's pretty awesome. What a good friend.

What's good about it? Explain like I'm 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of older bigots stop being bigots when it's their own family. Lots don't. Talk to them before the kid does.

This. I have heard many stories of people changing when the "other" that they hate is suddenly someone they love. And as PP said, many don't. But it is a possibility. You should tell the grandparent and then give them time to process. You will know what to do from there--no contact if they cannot be loving and supporting. I hope they surprise you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they arent close, going no contact with such a person sounds like an easy choice.

Until they prove they can be loving and accepting of DC they can F right off.

Pretty much this. I would tell my parent and see how they react. If they are not supportive, which doesn’t sound like they will be, I would not let them near my child.