How to handle son coming out as trans to an anti-trans, homophobic grandparent?

[Anonymous]

Said grandparent lives out of state and isn’t particularly close to our children. Grandparent is openly homophobic, indoctrinated with MAGA/right wing conservative values. Has anyone here BTDT?

[Anonymous]

If they arent close, going no contact with such a person sounds like an easy choice.

Until they prove they can be loving and accepting of DC they can F right off.

[Anonymous]

Lots of older bigots stop being bigots when it's their own family. Lots don't. Talk to them before the kid does.

[Anonymous]

Can he stay closeted until they pass? Seems like the respectful thing to do. I know individualism is very du jour in Western society, but I think this is jumping the shark.

[Anonymous]

I'd strongly consider not telling them and just letting the kid cut contact. Why put your kid through that depth of pain and insult for someone not close?

But I agree with the PP about the potential for change, so maybe put out hypothetical feelers on your own.

[Anonymous]

You don't tell them and the kid has extremely limited (if any) contact, especially since grandparent isn't close. Make sure to change settings on social media so they are blocked from all posts of the grandchild.

[Anonymous]

What does the kid want to do? Is the kid prepared to say "Grandpa I don't go by Frank anymore, please call me Brittni" and have Grandpa spew a bunch of hate at them? They need to think about the reality that they may get very negative feedback and how that would feel and if they want to come out to everyone, or maybe not?

[Anonymous]

No experience but wondering why you need to handle this? Let your kid know. They will have to deal with potential blow back in other corners of their lives. Let them decide.

[Anonymous]

I am dealing with exactly this. I see my father on a regular basis due to his health issues, but I think my child is unlikely to ever see him again. I’m pissed about his attitude, but he watches FOX all the time and it has poisoned his brain. He is so angry about his life and is taking it on the issues FOX gets him riled up about, and this is one of them. Anyway, my kid doesn’t have a real relationship with hm, and we have told everyone else in the family, but my kid has agreed just to leave this one alone.
If my dad ever travels to us, I’ll tell him, but that’s not likely to happen for some time if ever.
Perhaps not the best solution, but it gives my kid time to transition and gives my dad time to deal with his health.

[Anonymous]

My Uncle is homophobic and racist. My Aunt is lovely. I am gay with an adopted black child.
We don’t see my Uncle. I don’t want him around my kid or myself. We still see my Aunt though.
Once your kid comes out her will hear it from someone else. Given what he’s like I assume you have minimal contact now? I would move that to 0 contact.

[Anonymous]

You kid has the right to be his or her authentic self. If s/he wants to tell grandpa and see what happens you support that decision because it is your child. Presumably your dad taught you that. If you dad can’t reconcile this that is on your dad.

It’s not the same but I came out as gay over 25 years ago. I had one conservative friend I was certain would not respond well. I’ll never forget our conversation. He told me that for us to stay friends he would have to literally reject Most everything that he believed in and who he was as a person or we could stop being friends. He then told me that it wasn’t even a close decision and that obviously he needed yo rethink his whole life. I was floored and will
Never forget it.

[Anonymous]

Went through this with my gay (18 year old at the time) daughter. One set of grandparents, she was excited to tell about her girlfriend. The other set (super-religious), she hesitated to share her big news with. Turns out they thought the news was that she was pregnant and were psyched that she was just gay. And because they are actually Christians, despite being so conservative, they love their granddaughter AND her girlfriend because that’s what Jesus would actually do.

[Anonymous]

Trans woman here. Part of my family is very religious. I tried for very long time. Far longer than most people would have. I don’t regret it and some people’s family do accept them eventually but one of my parents never did and I eventually had to go no contact. After the third time where I was talking in the phone with them and they opened with a raised voice telling me they know me better than I know myself, I had to end it. Every time we got together or spoke on the phone, I was destroyed for several days after.

I wouldn’t say that you have to give up and go no contact immediately but be careful how long you go for. Hopes don’t make things reality.

To the perso. That suggested your son “stay closeted until he passes”, learn a little about trans people. First off, we should be able to be ourselves. Second, if he’s on HRT, we stop passing as our assigned gender before we ever start to pass. There’s an unfortunate time period where one is visibly transgender dressed either way (and this is true for both trans males and trans females).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he stay closeted until they pass? Seems like the respectful thing to do. I know individualism is very du jour in Western society, but I think this is jumping the shark.

Jumping the shark is not used correctly here.

[Anonymous]

Eh. Let the child come out as trans to grandpa. You never know how it will go. From there, let your child handle it. Be it no contact or not.