Would you stay or go?

[Anonymous]

I think it's unusual that after a year, a person at any age is still afraid to commit at least to a label. I think it may be a good idea to have a conversation about what are the goals of your relationship just to be sure you are both on the same page then once you know you can decide if you want to stay together.

[Anonymous]

It’s you.

He drew boundaries to his relationship with you. Good for him. There is the possibility that something about you —or lots of things about you— made him share his boundaries and share how he wants to live.

If you listen carefully, he is probably telling you. He likely has told you in the past certain observations. You can even jot down notes after difficult conversations. People usually share exactly what they are thinking. Just listen to his words.

This might not might not be true. But the instant analysis on the guy who is not here is always hilarious. —it’s easy.

[Anonymous]

OP here to answer some questions I received.

My child is 11. He has no kids and doesn’t want to have any. His relationship with my kid beautiful. He plays an uncle role and it’s very fulfilling to see their dynamic. Both get a lot out of it and they verbally express that. The role that he plays there is exactly what I want, not looking for anything more. My child has an active father. It is possible he may not ever want to live with my child. I’m not sure I’ve never asked. If he didn’t I be ok with that but want to live together after my kid went to college.

He has never been married, and says he does not believe in it. He has cohabited twice with partners long-term (a decade). The last time the break up was extremely messy (similar to a bad divorce) and he is still negatively impacted by it.

If I knew that things would continue on exactly as they are forever, I would sign up for that. Ideally I would like to cohabitate at some point, but not being able to is not a deal breaker. I just want to eventually get to a place where I can say….this is my person, this is what we are doing. The more time that goes on, the more attached we become. We spend a lot of quality time together and in a way have created a little family. I want to know that isn’t going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

"I want to know that isn’t going anywhere." This is such an understandable wish, but there are no guarantees in life. That said, I think you need to figure out what you need to feel safer in the relationship. Do you just need to hear the words he loves you or yes, he's committed to you long term? Maybe try talking this through with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I want to know that isn’t going anywhere." This is such an understandable wish, but there are no guarantees in life. That said, I think you need to figure out what you need to feel safer in the relationship. Do you just need to hear the words he loves you or yes, he's committed to you long term? Maybe try talking this through with a therapist.

Agree that there are no guarantees. Even if he pledges that he will be with you forever, that may not be the case, as you know.

If this is the only hurdle, I would not throw away the relationship. It sounds lovely & the future isn’t guaranteed for any of us, so I wouldn’t worry about telling each other what we will be in 10 or 20 years. If you would be happy with this life together in 10 years, stay. If not, go.

And don’t worry about other people asking you what your relationship status is. None of their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I want to know that isn’t going anywhere." This is such an understandable wish, but there are no guarantees in life. That said, I think you need to figure out what you need to feel safer in the relationship. Do you just need to hear the words he loves you or yes, he's committed to you long term? Maybe try talking this through with a therapist.

OP here. As a divorcee I definitely know nothing’s promised. Perhaps it would be more accurate for me to say “I want to know we have mutual intention to try for this working for long haul”.

[Anonymous]

You know what he wants and it’s very clear from his past relationship.
Is that good enough for you ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here to answer some questions I received.

My child is 11. He has no kids and doesn’t want to have any. His relationship with my kid beautiful. He plays an uncle role and it’s very fulfilling to see their dynamic. Both get a lot out of it and they verbally express that. The role that he plays there is exactly what I want, not looking for anything more. My child has an active father. It is possible he may not ever want to live with my child. I’m not sure I’ve never asked. If he didn’t I be ok with that but want to live together after my kid went to college.

He has never been married, and says he does not believe in it. He has cohabited twice with partners long-term (a decade). The last time the break up was extremely messy (similar to a bad divorce) and he is still negatively impacted by it.

If I knew that things would continue on exactly as they are forever, I would sign up for that. Ideally I would like to cohabitate at some point, but not being able to is not a deal breaker. I just want to eventually get to a place where I can say….this is my person, this is what we are doing. The more time that goes on, the more attached we become. We spend a lot of quality time together and in a way have created a little family. I want to know that isn’t going anywhere.

NP. Your last paragraph above actually is an excellent script, OP. Have you said exactly this to him?

Are you concerned that if you use the words above with him, they will scare him off? They might not, as he would be hearing that you are actually happy with the relationship you and he share currently, you're fine with not marrying and not cohabiting, you just want to be able to say "this is my person" and frankly you want to be able to say it not just between you but for the world -- right? He may be fearing you're going to want to marry, and if not, tell him that specifically. But "I want to know that the little family we've created here isn't going to go away" is good, if that's the core of what you need to know. If he does get scared away by that level of honesty, of asking for what you need--well, if that scares him off, wouldn't that mean that his roots weren't as deep in the relationship as you both thought?

Has he ever had any therapy around the bad breakup earlier? Just wondering. He may be very understandably balky about any and all labels but he might need to work through some baggage he's bringing to your relationship, baggage you don't deserve dealing with and frankly neither does he.

I'm assuming you and he at least have discussed that you're exclusive, right? That's not a relationship label as much as an assurance of sexual fidelity. Kind of essential and surely that's one thing he's committed to with you, correct?

[Anonymous]

I think the 2 ten year relationships are red flags. I’m guessing he dated someone throughout their 30s and she was waiting for a proposal and then she missed her chance for a family. I think the odds are not in your favor with this guy.

[Anonymous]

My DH was like this. He’d been divorced once and didn’t want to go through it again. Things changed with time but it took him a lot longer than a year. He recently admitted to me he was afraid that I’d grow tired of him.