Would you stay or go?

[Anonymous]

I’m 45 and dating to find a life partner. For the last year I’ve been seeing the same man. We get along extremely well. Have a beautiful friendship, our lives integrate well, nice sex life, a whole lot in common, and he has a great relationship with my kid. My life is a lot better with him in it.

He is commitment shy however. Many things that signify commitment make him antsy…labels, marriage, financial entanglement, saying I love you. I have dated a lot and outside of his commitment hang ups he is by far the best match I’ve found, and he articulates that he similarly finds our connection rare. I’m not hung up on marriage but I do want a life partner. We do life very well together currently, but because of his commitment hang ups we don’t talk about the future, just live blissfully in the moment. Would you move on? Or just enjoy what you have if you were in my shoes?

[Anonymous]

I had this with my now DH. Told him I loved him very much but wanted a husband and a family and I understand if he didn’t but that I needed to know. I meant it. Have him a six month deadline (not an ultimatum but a time I was prepared to wait). He proposed within two months. Now he says he doesn’t know what he was thinking and what he was afraid of. Obviously you are in a different situation but if lifelong commitment is truly important, you owe it to yourself to try to find it. If you can enjoy the moment and be fine with the idea of him walking away at any moment, then there’s nothing wrong with your current arrangement. Just do stay true to yourself and it will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Move on

[Anonymous]

I am only hearing one side of the story, but you might have low self esteem (aka a distorted sense of self worth.

This esteem can change with circumstances. It can improve over time. It’s not a fixed state! People’s egos can dip and climb, wax and wane. Read, talk, Find out how. 45 is a great age. It’s young!

Move forward with gusto. You are in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this with my now DH. Told him I loved him very much but wanted a husband and a family and I understand if he didn’t but that I needed to know. I meant it. Have him a six month deadline (not an ultimatum but a time I was prepared to wait). He proposed within two months. Now he says he doesn’t know what he was thinking and what he was afraid of. Obviously you are in a different situation but if lifelong commitment is truly important, you owe it to yourself to try to find it. If you can enjoy the moment and be fine with the idea of him walking away at any moment, then there’s nothing wrong with your current arrangement. Just do stay true to yourself and it will be ok.

I gave myself a deadline re: a boyfriend. I told him about it. We laughed that it was arbitrary. It was. I laughed too. However, defining events actually happened close to that deadline!

It could have been pure coincidence. In our case, we broke up. I felt good about it.

Setting an intention with a deadline- as poster shares- is not a crazy idea!! It’s a way of forcing yourself to make an honest assessment of what you want.

[Anonymous]

Such great advice here at 4am-6am! Y’all living in europe or Asia or just wake up early?

[Anonymous]

Runner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 45 and dating to find a life partner. For the last year I’ve been seeing the same man. We get along extremely well. Have a beautiful friendship, our lives integrate well, nice sex life, a whole lot in common, and he has a great relationship with my kid. My life is a lot better with him in it.

He is commitment shy however. Many things that signify commitment make him antsy…labels, marriage, financial entanglement, saying I love you. I have dated a lot and outside of his commitment hang ups he is by far the best match I’ve found, and he articulates that he similarly finds our connection rare. I’m not hung up on marriage but I do want a life partner. We do life very well together currently, but because of his commitment hang ups we don’t talk about the future, just live blissfully in the moment. Would you move on? Or just enjoy what you have if you were in my shoes?

Maybe he is in it for the long term but just doesn’t want to take on the father role, get married, or cohabitate. If you knew he would be your forever guy but that you would continue on basically forever in exactly the current arrangement, would you sign up for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such great advice here at 4am-6am! Y’all living in europe or Asia or just wake up early?

Jet lagged after a work trip to Europe. I’m the first PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such great advice here at 4am-6am! Y’all living in europe or Asia or just wake up early?

Insomniacs. Why are you here this early?

[Anonymous]

Lets face it, you two don't want same things from this relationship. Discuss it rationally and align your expectations or part ways.

[Anonymous]

How old is he? Divorced? Are you divorced? Just the one kid? How old? What is the relationship with your child’s father? If he has been married, what is the relationship with the ex wife?

I am not asking to judge. In fact, you don’t have to tell us the answers, but you should answer them for yourself. I am asking because some people have such horrific marriages and/or divorces that they are extremely hesitant to get married—or anything that looks like marriage—again. And of that set of people, some of them are unable to admit it out loud. They aren’t bad people, and they can be committed, in a day-by-day sort of way, but they are fun shy about putting it on paper, or even saying it out loud.

Could that potentially be the case here?

Also, can you clarify (to yourself, and to him—we don’t need to know): what are you really looking for from him? You say commitment, but not necessarily marriage. Do you want him to call you a certain name? Do you want a piece of jewelery? Do you want him to tell you he is committed to you? Be put on his credit card/bank account? Can you articulate to him what exactly you’re looking for? “Long term commitment, but not necessarily marriage” might be too ambiguous for him.

[Anonymous]

Stay enjoy your life for now and see where it goes.
Why mess up something that is working.

[Anonymous]

At 45 I assume you are not planning to have more children so you are not really on a timeline the way younger women are. Thus I would just live in the present.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of unanswered questions like whether he’s divorced. Many people are understandably hesitant about commitment after a divorce. If it’s important to you to have certain commitments right now then probably best to move on. But he might slowly come around.