Moving on after being deeply hurt

[Anonymous]

By the OP’s description, the “friend” has a big mouth vs being mean spirited. Take it as a lesson learned. Don’t divulge sensitive information to her ever again. She can’t handle it.

Without information from the OP, it’s difficult to determine the friend’s intention. Good luck OP. I am in the camp that time heals most wounds.

[Anonymous]

I never really got over it. I haven' trusted or loved again the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the OP’s description, the “friend” has a big mouth vs being mean spirited. Take it as a lesson learned. Don’t divulge sensitive information to her ever again. She can’t handle it.

Without information from the OP, it’s difficult to determine the friend’s intention. Good luck OP. I am in the camp that time heals most wounds.

If true, I get why it's so hard for OP to move on. This happened to me and the betrayal went really deep. I know my friend's actions were not intentional -- it's just who she is. But it's not just that she shared things about me she should not have. It's also that she solicited my confidences. So even though I can see it's just her personality, that she does these things compulsively and without real malice, it was also so much bigger than a slip of the tongue.

And once you realize this has happened, it's so hard to even know how to behave around that person. Because again, it's not just that they said something they shouldn't have. They drew this information out of me. So it's like I could not trust myself around them. I just could never feel comfortable interacting with them. I forgave them but the damage from their actions just destroyed something fundamental in our relationship. It was not reparable.

In the end, I had more anger towards them for killing our friendship than for betraying my confidence. It was very hard to move on from. I mostly have, but thinking about it as I wrote this still gave me this bad feeling in my gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you move on after being deeply hurt? Someone close to me (not romantically) did something extremely hurtful several months ago. I know they did not intend to hurt me, and they have apologized as well as proactively tried to make it up to me. But it still just hurts. Circumstances keep us interacting regularly. And occasionally things happen that resurface the hurtful thing.

I've tried therapy, and it's helpful...but it's also been months now. Is it possible to move past something like this?

Been there and some of these stories involving friends/neighbors/kids really, really resonate!

OP, yes, you will move on, but I would do whatever you can to extract this person from your life. Since you have "circumstances" where you have to interact -- I don't know whether this means it's a parent on your kids' sports team or your church group or whatever you can't really extract yourself from -- it's OK to start stone-cold treating this person like your worst coworker. As distant as possible. Polite, fine. It's too bad that this person will not like this, but they have to live with the consequences of their choices. It's not on you to make them feel better or like everything can be fine again because they feel "guilt" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By the OP’s description, the “friend” has a big mouth vs being mean spirited. Take it as a lesson learned. Don’t divulge sensitive information to her ever again. She can’t handle it.

Without information from the OP, it’s difficult to determine the friend’s intention. Good luck OP. I am in the camp that time heals most wounds.

If true, I get why it's so hard for OP to move on. This happened to me and the betrayal went really deep. I know my friend's actions were not intentional -- it's just who she is. But it's not just that she shared things about me she should not have. It's also that she solicited my confidences. So even though I can see it's just her personality, that she does these things compulsively and without real malice, it was also so much bigger than a slip of the tongue.

And once you realize this has happened, it's so hard to even know how to behave around that person. Because again, it's not just that they said something they shouldn't have. They drew this information out of me. So it's like I could not trust myself around them. I just could never feel comfortable interacting with them. I forgave them but the damage from their actions just destroyed something fundamental in our relationship. It was not reparable.

In the end, I had more anger towards them for killing our friendship than for betraying my confidence. It was very hard to move on from. I mostly have, but thinking about it as I wrote this still gave me this bad feeling in my gut.

Here's the thing, once you realize you will never feel comfortable in the relationship again, it is OK to walk away from everyone involved. Betrayal is terrible, I get that bad feeling in the gut PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you move on after being deeply hurt? Someone close to me (not romantically) did something extremely hurtful several months ago. I know they did not intend to hurt me, and they have apologized as well as proactively tried to make it up to me. But it still just hurts. Circumstances keep us interacting regularly. And occasionally things happen that resurface the hurtful thing.

I've tried therapy, and it's helpful...but it's also been months now. Is it possible to move past something like this?

Forgiveness and letting it go. It sounds like you are wallowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You make the decision to let it go. Realize that they are human and make mistakes. And sometime those mistakes hurt us. But, you survived the hurt. And they have obviously realized how they hurt you, and hopefully learned from it.

But at some point every human will hurt another human that you are emotionally close to. Sometimes the hurt is enough to sever ties. Other times, you need to acknowledge their humanity and make the decision to move on from it.

I have a best friend who is like a brother to me. We had been best friends for 17 years. About 10 of those years we talked 5-7 times a week. But at that time, we probably talked once a week. I was going though a really really bad depression. But I always sounded up beat (I always do when I'm depressed). And I told him I was depressed, but it's hard to understand just how bad it was based on my outward demeanor.

And I stopped calling him back. He'd call and leave a message. And I would not call him back. After a few times, he just stopped calling. It hurt so much that he just abandoned me that way. We were so close and he could just walk away.

After 2 years, once I was getting better, I reached out to him. And we talked about what happened. He thought me not calling him back was a sign I wanted to be left alone. And he was sad that I pushed him away. I was hurt that he wasn't there during my worst times.

I could've walked away after that. But I chose not to. He realized his mistake. And apologized. And I really missed him and our friendship. So not only did I forgive him, I let it go. His mistake was only one part out of a million other parts that make him up.

And I'm so glad I did. In the past 15 years since we reconnected, he's helped me through so many things. He was my emotional rock when I lost my parents in a way DH couldn't be. (BFF is gay, so no romantic feelings. DH is my rock in other ways, just not in emotional things like grief)

OP- if you really want to repair your heart from the hurt, you remind yourself that they are human, but it's worth it to you to move past it. You focus on all they ways they enrich your life.

I mean...did you? Noted that you were in a deep depression. But you stopped returning your friend's calls. Didn't you both have a role here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you move on after being deeply hurt? Someone close to me (not romantically) did something extremely hurtful several months ago. I know they did not intend to hurt me, and they have apologized as well as proactively tried to make it up to me. But it still just hurts. Circumstances keep us interacting regularly. And occasionally things happen that resurface the hurtful thing.

I've tried therapy, and it's helpful...but it's also been months now. Is it possible to move past something like this?

The reason it still hurts is because you have internalized feelings of shame that you should have known better and then this makes you feel weak and like you did something wrong. You also default to believing that your failings are the center of other people’s attention.


It’s ok to reflect back and say oh yeah now I see how they acted in that situation and in hindsight I can see how I ignored it. And then consider going forward you will look out for that behavior

The friend did something crappy, it sucked and it hurt your feelings. That’s not shameful. It happens all the time. To everyone. No one is immune.

Whatever happened people around you have long forgot and if they do remember and bring it up then your response yep that was a terrible thing they did to me, it really hurt. They apologized and we have moved on …

It’s also ok to just drop the person if you want. You can be polite but that’s all you need to do. Quickly exit conversations, talk only about generic stuff, and give generic answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you move on after being deeply hurt? Someone close to me (not romantically) did something extremely hurtful several months ago. I know they did not intend to hurt me, and they have apologized as well as proactively tried to make it up to me. But it still just hurts. Circumstances keep us interacting regularly. And occasionally things happen that resurface the hurtful thing.

I've tried therapy, and it's helpful...but it's also been months now. Is it possible to move past something like this?

The reason it still hurts is because you have internalized feelings of shame that you should have known better and then this makes you feel weak and like you did something wrong. You also default to believing that your failings are the center of other people’s attention. [/b]


It’s ok to reflect back and say oh yeah now I see how they acted in that situation and in hindsight I can see how I ignored it. And then consider going forward you will look out for that behavior

The friend did something crappy, it sucked and it hurt your feelings. That’s not shameful. It happens all the time. To everyone. No one is immune.

[b]Whatever happened people around you have long forgot and if they do remember and bring it up then your response yep that was a terrible thing they did to me, it really hurt. They apologized and we have moved on …

It’s also ok to just drop the person if you want. You can be polite but that’s all you need to do. Quickly exit conversations, talk only about generic stuff, and give generic answers.

Bold type is spot on. We think about ourselves - worry about what others think, but they’ve moved on. Almost immediately. We’re all in our own heads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make the decision to let it go. Realize that they are human and make mistakes. And sometime those mistakes hurt us. But, you survived the hurt. And they have obviously realized how they hurt you, and hopefully learned from it.

But at some point every human will hurt another human that you are emotionally close to. Sometimes the hurt is enough to sever ties. Other times, you need to acknowledge their humanity and make the decision to move on from it.

I have a best friend who is like a brother to me. We had been best friends for 17 years. About 10 of those years we talked 5-7 times a week. But at that time, we probably talked once a week. I was going though a really really bad depression. But I always sounded up beat (I always do when I'm depressed). And I told him I was depressed, but it's hard to understand just how bad it was based on my outward demeanor.

And I stopped calling him back. He'd call and leave a message. And I would not call him back. After a few times, he just stopped calling. It hurt so much that he just abandoned me that way. We were so close and he could just walk away.

After 2 years, once I was getting better, I reached out to him. And we talked about what happened. He thought me not calling him back was a sign I wanted to be left alone. And he was sad that I pushed him away. I was hurt that he wasn't there during my worst times.

I could've walked away after that. But I chose not to. He realized his mistake. And apologized. And I really missed him and our friendship. So not only did I forgive him, I let it go. His mistake was only one part out of a million other parts that make him up.

And I'm so glad I did. In the past 15 years since we reconnected, he's helped me through so many things. He was my emotional rock when I lost my parents in a way DH couldn't be. (BFF is gay, so no romantic feelings. DH is my rock in other ways, just not in emotional things like grief)

OP- if you really want to repair your heart from the hurt, you remind yourself that they are human, but it's worth it to you to move past it. You focus on all they ways they enrich your life.

I mean...did you? Noted that you were in a deep depression. But you stopped returning your friend's calls. Didn't you both have a role here?

+1 I was thinking the same thing. PP you also made a “mistake” by pushing your friend away. Is your friendship a two way street? Do you offer anything to him? It sounds like he gives you a lot but you pushed him away and then blamed him for backing off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and my husband. Close friends abused our trust, lied to us, and did something dishonest. Then they turned the facts around and played the victim regarding the situation to some mutual friends, who believed them. It was very hurtful because we’d known them for years and our children had grown up together. We’ve moved on, but it’s made it very difficult for both myself and my husband to trust friends. The truth has over time come out and some of the mutual friends have tried to make amends, but I’ll never forget how we were treated. I’ll never forgive the former friends for what they did. They torpedoed a friend group, hurt kids, all for their own stupid attempt at personal gain that failed.

It’s tough to get over honestly. I should probably get some therapy to permanently move on.

WOW. I'm sorry you experienced that, but it sounds so close to something I'm dealing with that I wondered for a moment if I had written it. Although, my situation is more complicated in that the betrayal I experienced has lasting consequences that I have to live with the rest of my life. I know I will never completely get over it, and I am starting therapy so that I can at least move past the extreme anger and hurt I'm living with right now.

I hope your situation improves also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You make the decision to let it go. Realize that they are human and make mistakes. And sometime those mistakes hurt us. But, you survived the hurt. And they have obviously realized how they hurt you, and hopefully learned from it.

But at some point every human will hurt another human that you are emotionally close to. Sometimes the hurt is enough to sever ties. Other times, you need to acknowledge their humanity and make the decision to move on from it.

I have a best friend who is like a brother to me. We had been best friends for 17 years. About 10 of those years we talked 5-7 times a week. But at that time, we probably talked once a week. I was going though a really really bad depression. But I always sounded up beat (I always do when I'm depressed). And I told him I was depressed, but it's hard to understand just how bad it was based on my outward demeanor.

And I stopped calling him back. He'd call and leave a message. And I would not call him back. After a few times, he just stopped calling. It hurt so much that he just abandoned me that way. We were so close and he could just walk away.

After 2 years, once I was getting better, I reached out to him. And we talked about what happened. He thought me not calling him back was a sign I wanted to be left alone. And he was sad that I pushed him away. I was hurt that he wasn't there during my worst times.

I could've walked away after that. But I chose not to. He realized his mistake. And apologized. And I really missed him and our friendship. So not only did I forgive him, I let it go. His mistake was only one part out of a million other parts that make him up.

And I'm so glad I did. In the past 15 years since we reconnected, he's helped me through so many things. He was my emotional rock when I lost my parents in a way DH couldn't be. (BFF is gay, so no romantic feelings. DH is my rock in other ways, just not in emotional things like grief)

OP- if you really want to repair your heart from the hurt, you remind yourself that they are human, but it's worth it to you to move past it. You focus on all they ways they enrich your life.

His "mistake"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and my husband. Close friends abused our trust, lied to us, and did something dishonest. Then they turned the facts around and played the victim regarding the situation to some mutual friends, who believed them. It was very hurtful because we’d known them for years and our children had grown up together. We’ve moved on, but it’s made it very difficult for both myself and my husband to trust friends. The truth has over time come out and some of the mutual friends have tried to make amends, but I’ll never forget how we were treated. I’ll never forgive the former friends for what they did. They torpedoed a friend group, hurt kids, all for their own stupid attempt at personal gain that failed.

It’s tough to get over honestly. I should probably get some therapy to permanently move on.

I had something similar happen wrt it being a couple that did the hurtful thing. I really didn't want to believe that the couple acted deliberately maliciously, but the fact that it is a couple makes me think it was. It is really painful, particularly when kids are involved.

[Anonymous]

Twice in my life I've been deeply hurt by someone I trusted. I was angry for a while but eventually I realized the effect it was having in me. The anger was eating me up and I realized I had to let it go for me more than for the person I was angry with. It still took a while to move beyond the hurt but letting go of the anger was a huge release for me.

[Anonymous]

I mean, it’s good they apologized. I had a dear friend deeply hurt me and then ghost me when I tried to discuss it with him. We were friends for almost 17 years! It’s been a year since we talked.

I pray about it a lot and pray for his good health and peace and strength. It’s calmed my soul about the whole thing but it was and is deeply hurtful.