Moving on after being deeply hurt

[Anonymous]

How do you move on after being deeply hurt? Someone close to me (not romantically) did something extremely hurtful several months ago. I know they did not intend to hurt me, and they have apologized as well as proactively tried to make it up to me. But it still just hurts. Circumstances keep us interacting regularly. And occasionally things happen that resurface the hurtful thing.

I've tried therapy, and it's helpful...but it's also been months now. Is it possible to move past something like this?

[Anonymous]

Similar happened to me. I just cannot forget. I still have contact, but no longer a trusted confidant. We only see each other at family events and call each other on birthdays and maybe once or twice a year. It took me years to be at peace with such drastic change in relationship. She is definately more interested in better relationship than I am but I am still hurt and I hold back.
Sorry that this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me and my husband. Close friends abused our trust, lied to us, and did something dishonest. Then they turned the facts around and played the victim regarding the situation to some mutual friends, who believed them. It was very hurtful because we’d known them for years and our children had grown up together. We’ve moved on, but it’s made it very difficult for both myself and my husband to trust friends. The truth has over time come out and some of the mutual friends have tried to make amends, but I’ll never forget how we were treated. I’ll never forgive the former friends for what they did. They torpedoed a friend group, hurt kids, all for their own stupid attempt at personal gain that failed.

It’s tough to get over honestly. I should probably get some therapy to permanently move on.

[Anonymous]

NP here. PP, something very similar just happened to me, and I'm in a very dark place about it. Thanks for sharing, it means a lot.

[Anonymous]

It is really tough to formulate an answer or give helpful advice to such a broad post unfortunately. 🙁

While I fully understand why you would not want to provide specific details - a little more context would be more helpful.

Thx!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really tough to formulate an answer or give helpful advice to such a broad post unfortunately. 🙁

While I fully understand why you would not want to provide specific details - a little more context would be more helpful.

Thx!

NP here. I disagree.
The post is sufficient; and the answer to the OP is that with time and space, grief can begin to heal.
But the fact that you are regularly attached makes it difficult to have the space. Can you make any adjustments to this? If it’s family or social interaction, can you honor your emotional health and see less of this person?
If it’s work, can you make any adjustments where you would see this person less?
I wish you luck and strength. Grief is a journey and requires work. I’m sorry this happened.

[Anonymous]

Some things you never forget. It depends how bad it is. I have a neighbor who did/said something threatening and very hurtful years ago, and I still haven't "moved on" in the sense that I still think about it when I see him, and I avoid him whenever possible. He was probably having a psychotic episode at the time but framing it that way doesn't change it.

I probably won't truly move on until we no longer live near him

[Anonymous]

Forgive and forget are two different words. When you forgive someone, you unload the anger and hurt from your headspace. This doesn’t mean you forget what they did. Not forgetting reminds you not to fully trust them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgive and forget are two different words. When you forgive someone, you unload the anger and hurt from your headspace. This doesn’t mean you forget what they did. Not forgetting reminds you not to fully trust them again.

OP here. This captures things really well for me. I have forgiven. Honestly, once we talked through things, it was obvious that hurting me was not intended at all. Maybe even the contrary. But the forgetting is difficult. I know (and feel) that this person cares for me a lot, and yet they still managed to do something very hurtful. It makes it worse than if they were indifferent to me.

I'm not someone who trusts easily, and I allowed myself to trust this person. In a way, the trust was not misplaced as they clearly still care a lot. But I am struggling to trust, and the loss of the trust is making it difficult for us to interact comfortably. I still care for them as well, and this person is clearly hurt when I react to them in ways that are guarded and mistrustful.

I don't know what to do. This person is an amazing person with whom I just click. We relate to each other almost like siblings, and it's so hard as an adult to find a friend like that.

[Anonymous]

The only way to change your thinking is to actively change it. Meaning - whenever a thought pops into your head that you want to change, you need to recognize the thought, and replace it with what you want it to change to. "Sally hurt me and I can't trust her" becomes "Sally hurt me, she repaired it and I can let it go". You may have to do this a hundred times for the original thought to adapt - but it will adapt. Your brain makes a new pathway, and you change your thinking.

I agree with a previous poster that forgiving doesn't equal forgetting - and the fact that you remember and injury doesn't mean you haven't forgiven well enough. It's just background information. And if you have a situation come up where that background information is an important factor - it gets weighed against other evidence to come to a decision about your current interaction with that person. It's not the only factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgive and forget are two different words. When you forgive someone, you unload the anger and hurt from your headspace. This doesn’t mean you forget what they did. Not forgetting reminds you not to fully trust them again.

NP. How do you make the hurt of being betrayed by a very close friend just go away?

[Anonymous]

OP - so sorry for this. Sounds really stressful & sad.

It sounds like your friend did something to inadvertently betray your trust. It sounds like she may have been clueless, has no idea of what she was doing.

Try to put yourself in her shoes.

You forgave her. But it takes time for sting to wear off. Maybe years. I would not give up a previous friend (especially not in adulthood when it’s rare to make close new friends)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - so sorry for this. Sounds really stressful & sad.

It sounds like your friend did something to inadvertently betray your trust. It sounds like she may have been clueless, has no idea of what she was doing.

Try to put yourself in her shoes.

You forgave her. But it takes time for sting to wear off. Maybe years. I would not give up a previous friend (especially not in adulthood when it’s rare to make close new friends)

Agree with this. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is often very helpful and I too recommend it, but time is the best healer. With time the pain will be less and you will naturally see other things in life that are more important .

[Anonymous]

Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

You make the decision to let it go. Realize that they are human and make mistakes. And sometime those mistakes hurt us. But, you survived the hurt. And they have obviously realized how they hurt you, and hopefully learned from it.

But at some point every human will hurt another human that you are emotionally close to. Sometimes the hurt is enough to sever ties. Other times, you need to acknowledge their humanity and make the decision to move on from it.

I have a best friend who is like a brother to me. We had been best friends for 17 years. About 10 of those years we talked 5-7 times a week. But at that time, we probably talked once a week. I was going though a really really bad depression. But I always sounded up beat (I always do when I'm depressed). And I told him I was depressed, but it's hard to understand just how bad it was based on my outward demeanor.

And I stopped calling him back. He'd call and leave a message. And I would not call him back. After a few times, he just stopped calling. It hurt so much that he just abandoned me that way. We were so close and he could just walk away.

After 2 years, once I was getting better, I reached out to him. And we talked about what happened. He thought me not calling him back was a sign I wanted to be left alone. And he was sad that I pushed him away. I was hurt that he wasn't there during my worst times.

I could've walked away after that. But I chose not to. He realized his mistake. And apologized. And I really missed him and our friendship. So not only did I forgive him, I let it go. His mistake was only one part out of a million other parts that make him up.

And I'm so glad I did. In the past 15 years since we reconnected, he's helped me through so many things. He was my emotional rock when I lost my parents in a way DH couldn't be. (BFF is gay, so no romantic feelings. DH is my rock in other ways, just not in emotional things like grief)

OP- if you really want to repair your heart from the hurt, you remind yourself that they are human, but it's worth it to you to move past it. You focus on all they ways they enrich your life.