Moving on after being deeply hurt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make the decision to let it go. Realize that they are human and make mistakes. And sometime those mistakes hurt us. But, you survived the hurt. And they have obviously realized how they hurt you, and hopefully learned from it.

But at some point every human will hurt another human that you are emotionally close to. Sometimes the hurt is enough to sever ties. Other times, you need to acknowledge their humanity and make the decision to move on from it.

I have a best friend who is like a brother to me. We had been best friends for 17 years. About 10 of those years we talked 5-7 times a week. But at that time, we probably talked once a week. I was going though a really really bad depression. But I always sounded up beat (I always do when I'm depressed). And I told him I was depressed, but it's hard to understand just how bad it was based on my outward demeanor.

And I stopped calling him back. He'd call and leave a message. And I would not call him back. After a few times, he just stopped calling. It hurt so much that he just abandoned me that way. We were so close and he could just walk away.

After 2 years, once I was getting better, I reached out to him. And we talked about what happened. He thought me not calling him back was a sign I wanted to be left alone. And he was sad that I pushed him away. I was hurt that he wasn't there during my worst times.

I could've walked away after that. But I chose not to. He realized his mistake. And apologized. And I really missed him and our friendship. So not only did I forgive him, I let it go. His mistake was only one part out of a million other parts that make him up.

And I'm so glad I did. In the past 15 years since we reconnected, he's helped me through so many things. He was my emotional rock when I lost my parents in a way DH couldn't be. (BFF is gay, so no romantic feelings. DH is my rock in other ways, just not in emotional things like grief)

OP- if you really want to repair your heart from the hurt, you remind yourself that they are human, but it's worth it to you to move past it. You focus on all they ways they enrich your life.

I mean...did you? Noted that you were in a deep depression. But you stopped returning your friend's calls. Didn't you both have a role here?

+1 I was thinking the same thing. PP you also made a “mistake” by pushing your friend away. Is your friendship a two way street? Do you offer anything to him? It sounds like he gives you a lot but you pushed him away and then blamed him for backing off.

+1. OP here seems smug about getting the apology but I hope they apologized as well as they basically dropped the friend, then seemed angry the friend dropped them. Weird.

[Anonymous]

OP, it depends on the insight and decision making of the friend for why they did what they did. Eg, if they were a bigmouth- told others something personal- I wouldn't share again with them but we could be friends possibly. If they fixed your gutter while you were away and ended up breaking it/costing more money, we could be friends but they would need to clearly communicate that they would never show up to do unexpected home improvement again. I would keep them at enough distance to be friends/be safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make the decision to let it go. Realize that they are human and make mistakes. And sometime those mistakes hurt us. But, you survived the hurt. And they have obviously realized how they hurt you, and hopefully learned from it.

But at some point every human will hurt another human that you are emotionally close to. Sometimes the hurt is enough to sever ties. Other times, you need to acknowledge their humanity and make the decision to move on from it.

I have a best friend who is like a brother to me. We had been best friends for 17 years. About 10 of those years we talked 5-7 times a week. But at that time, we probably talked once a week. I was going though a really really bad depression. But I always sounded up beat (I always do when I'm depressed). And I told him I was depressed, but it's hard to understand just how bad it was based on my outward demeanor.

And I stopped calling him back. He'd call and leave a message. And I would not call him back. After a few times, he just stopped calling. It hurt so much that he just abandoned me that way. We were so close and he could just walk away.

After 2 years, once I was getting better, I reached out to him. And we talked about what happened. He thought me not calling him back was a sign I wanted to be left alone. And he was sad that I pushed him away. I was hurt that he wasn't there during my worst times.

I could've walked away after that. But I chose not to. He realized his mistake. And apologized. And I really missed him and our friendship. So not only did I forgive him, I let it go. His mistake was only one part out of a million other parts that make him up.

And I'm so glad I did. In the past 15 years since we reconnected, he's helped me through so many things. He was my emotional rock when I lost my parents in a way DH couldn't be. (BFF is gay, so no romantic feelings. DH is my rock in other ways, just not in emotional things like grief)

OP- if you really want to repair your heart from the hurt, you remind yourself that they are human, but it's worth it to you to move past it. You focus on all they ways they enrich your life.

I mean...did you? Noted that you were in a deep depression. But you stopped returning your friend's calls. Didn't you both have a role here?

+1 I was thinking the same thing. PP you also made a “mistake” by pushing your friend away. Is your friendship a two way street? Do you offer anything to him? It sounds like he gives you a lot but you pushed him away and then blamed him for backing off.

+1. OP here seems smug about getting the apology but I hope they apologized as well as they basically dropped the friend, then seemed angry the friend dropped them. Weird.

I agree! (re: OP of that story - not OP of the original post.). That sounds like a legitimate misunderstanding, not a betrayal by one party, and like you both had a part in it. Totally different from what OP of the original post described.

[Anonymous]

I guess I don't understand, if they didn't mean to hurt you and they have apologized, why are you still upset with them? I'm trying to fathom what on earth they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and my husband. Close friends abused our trust, lied to us, and did something dishonest. Then they turned the facts around and played the victim regarding the situation to some mutual friends, who believed them. It was very hurtful because we’d known them for years and our children had grown up together. We’ve moved on, but it’s made it very difficult for both myself and my husband to trust friends. The truth has over time come out and some of the mutual friends have tried to make amends, but I’ll never forget how we were treated. I’ll never forgive the former friends for what they did. They torpedoed a friend group, hurt kids, all for their own stupid attempt at personal gain that failed.

It’s tough to get over honestly. I should probably get some therapy to permanently move on.

That's COMPLETELY different than what OP said happened though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgive and forget are two different words. When you forgive someone, you unload the anger and hurt from your headspace. This doesn’t mean you forget what they did. Not forgetting reminds you not to fully trust them again.

OP here. This captures things really well for me. I have forgiven. Honestly, once we talked through things, it was obvious that hurting me was not intended at all. Maybe even the contrary. But the forgetting is difficult. I know (and feel) that this person cares for me a lot, and yet they still managed to do something very hurtful. It makes it worse than if they were indifferent to me.

I'm not someone who trusts easily, and I allowed myself to trust this person. In a way, the trust was not misplaced as they clearly still care a lot. But I am struggling to trust, and the loss of the trust is making it difficult for us to interact comfortably. I still care for them as well, and this person is clearly hurt when I react to them in ways that are guarded and mistrustful.

I don't know what to do. This person is an amazing person with whom I just click. We relate to each other almost like siblings, and it's so hard as an adult to find a friend like that.

Honestly, I think you need to get over it. It sounds like you're twisting yourself into knots based on an accident. I mean, you can't accidentally sleep with someone's spouse, so it's not that. If someone physically hurt me on accident, I think I'd get over it because they didn't mean to do so. I can't think of something someone would do not on purpose that would make me act like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You make the decision to let it go. Realize that they are human and make mistakes. And sometime those mistakes hurt us. But, you survived the hurt. And they have obviously realized how they hurt you, and hopefully learned from it.

But at some point every human will hurt another human that you are emotionally close to. Sometimes the hurt is enough to sever ties. Other times, you need to acknowledge their humanity and make the decision to move on from it.

I have a best friend who is like a brother to me. We had been best friends for 17 years. About 10 of those years we talked 5-7 times a week. But at that time, we probably talked once a week. I was going though a really really bad depression. But I always sounded up beat (I always do when I'm depressed). And I told him I was depressed, but it's hard to understand just how bad it was based on my outward demeanor.

And I stopped calling him back. He'd call and leave a message. And I would not call him back. After a few times, he just stopped calling. It hurt so much that he just abandoned me that way. We were so close and he could just walk away.

After 2 years, once I was getting better, I reached out to him. And we talked about what happened. He thought me not calling him back was a sign I wanted to be left alone. And he was sad that I pushed him away. I was hurt that he wasn't there during my worst times.

I could've walked away after that. But I chose not to. He realized his mistake. And apologized. And I really missed him and our friendship. So not only did I forgive him, I let it go. His mistake was only one part out of a million other parts that make him up.

And I'm so glad I did. In the past 15 years since we reconnected, he's helped me through so many things. He was my emotional rock when I lost my parents in a way DH couldn't be. (BFF is gay, so no romantic feelings. DH is my rock in other ways, just not in emotional things like grief)

OP- if you really want to repair your heart from the hurt, you remind yourself that they are human, but it's worth it to you to move past it. You focus on all they ways they enrich your life.

So did you apologize to him as well? He didn't abandon you. You abandoned him. You ghosted him then gaslighted him by making him feel like it was his fault. That's abusive behavior on your part. This friend deserves a big apology and for you to express your appreciation for taking you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you move on after being deeply hurt? Someone close to me (not romantically) did something extremely hurtful several months ago. I know they did not intend to hurt me, and they have apologized as well as proactively tried to make it up to me. But it still just hurts. Circumstances keep us interacting regularly. And occasionally things happen that resurface the hurtful thing.

I've tried therapy, and it's helpful...but it's also been months now. Is it possible to move past something like this?

It is true that they me heals as ok sounds but it takes a lot longer than a few months. See them only when it can't be avoided and let the friendship die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You make the decision to let it go. Realize that they are human and make mistakes. And sometime those mistakes hurt us. But, you survived the hurt. And they have obviously realized how they hurt you, and hopefully learned from it.

But at some point every human will hurt another human that you are emotionally close to. Sometimes the hurt is enough to sever ties. Other times, you need to acknowledge their humanity and make the decision to move on from it.

I have a best friend who is like a brother to me. We had been best friends for 17 years. About 10 of those years we talked 5-7 times a week. But at that time, we probably talked once a week. I was going though a really really bad depression. But I always sounded up beat (I always do when I'm depressed). And I told him I was depressed, but it's hard to understand just how bad it was based on my outward demeanor.

And I stopped calling him back. He'd call and leave a message. And I would not call him back. After a few times, he just stopped calling. It hurt so much that he just abandoned me that way. We were so close and he could just walk away.

After 2 years, once I was getting better, I reached out to him. And we talked about what happened. He thought me not calling him back was a sign I wanted to be left alone. And he was sad that I pushed him away. I was hurt that he wasn't there during my worst times.

I could've walked away after that. But I chose not to. He realized his mistake. And apologized. And I really missed him and our friendship. So not only did I forgive him, I let it go. His mistake was only one part out of a million other parts that make him up.

And I'm so glad I did. In the past 15 years since we reconnected, he's helped me through so many things. He was my emotional rock when I lost my parents in a way DH couldn't be. (BFF is gay, so no romantic feelings. DH is my rock in other ways, just not in emotional things like grief)

OP- if you really want to repair your heart from the hurt, you remind yourself that they are human, but it's worth it to you to move past it. You focus on all they ways they enrich your life.

Good lord. I would have done the same as he did. You owe him m an apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don't understand, if they didn't mean to hurt you and they have apologized, why are you still upset with them? I'm trying to fathom what on earth they did.

+1 I don't understand either. If they are truly sorry, that would be a big step in the right direction. I guess it depends what happened. I mean, I'd probably never forgive a spouse for an affair even if they were really sorry, but I can't imagine what a platonic friend could do that would be this bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don't understand, if they didn't mean to hurt you and they have apologized, why are you still upset with them? I'm trying to fathom what on earth they did.

+1 I don't understand either. If they are truly sorry, that would be a big step in the right direction. I guess it depends what happened. I mean, I'd probably never forgive a spouse for an affair even if they were really sorry, but I can't imagine what a platonic friend could do that would be this bad.

Op is an immature drama queen. That's the main issue.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Time. Forgiveness is really hard. I have days when I don’t think about how hurt I am but if I think about this person it comes back. I had to cut off contact. Be kind to yourself and gentle and surround yourself with good people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You make the decision to let it go. Realize that they are human and make mistakes. And sometime those mistakes hurt us. But, you survived the hurt. And they have obviously realized how they hurt you, and hopefully learned from it.

But at some point every human will hurt another human that you are emotionally close to. Sometimes the hurt is enough to sever ties. Other times, you need to acknowledge their humanity and make the decision to move on from it.

I have a best friend who is like a brother to me. We had been best friends for 17 years. About 10 of those years we talked 5-7 times a week. But at that time, we probably talked once a week. I was going though a really really bad depression. But I always sounded up beat (I always do when I'm depressed). And I told him I was depressed, but it's hard to understand just how bad it was based on my outward demeanor.

And I stopped calling him back. He'd call and leave a message. And I would not call him back. After a few times, he just stopped calling. It hurt so much that he just abandoned me that way. We were so close and he could just walk away.

After 2 years, once I was getting better, I reached out to him. And we talked about what happened. He thought me not calling him back was a sign I wanted to be left alone. And he was sad that I pushed him away. I was hurt that he wasn't there during my worst times.

I could've walked away after that. But I chose not to. He realized his mistake. And apologized. And I really missed him and our friendship. So not only did I forgive him, I let it go. His mistake was only one part out of a million other parts that make him up.

And I'm so glad I did. In the past 15 years since we reconnected, he's helped me through so many things. He was my emotional rock when I lost my parents in a way DH couldn't be. (BFF is gay, so no romantic feelings. DH is my rock in other ways, just not in emotional things like grief)

OP- if you really want to repair your heart from the hurt, you remind yourself that they are human, but it's worth it to you to move past it. You focus on all they ways they enrich your life.

What? You ignored this person's calls over and over and then were hurt that they left you? I think most people take hints quite quickly.