Tween daughter looks older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I'd be questioning where is she regularly encountering all of these HS boys?

This is OP, thanks for all of the kind responses.

In the last couple of months she has been approached by high school boys at Starbucks, Chipotle, and while at another 12 year old's birthday party at Top Golf. All of these happened when she was with other 11 and 12 year old 6 grade girls in the middle of the day, so I'm not sure what to question about her behavior. She is not a risk taker and is generally a quiet kid who doesn't seek attention.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me a lot around that age. I grew taller and was more developed before my friends. I think teaching her to say, "I can't. I'm only 12." or similar is good.

I used to panic, blush, start sweating, and clam up, and I also never told my mom. It's lovely that you have such a relationship that she's coming to you!

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP you might know the age of your daughter but once they hit puberty it is really hard to tell the difference of a 12 vs 15yr old.

I have 3 girls and I can't tell the ages of many of them.

This is really no big deal. She just says no thanks, I am 12. And moves on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a 16 year old boy walks up to a girl who looks 16 and asks for her number he hasn’t done something wrong and she doesn’t need to give him a rude response. A “no thanks I’m still in middle school” is fine. Sorry she’s dealing with this, it will eventually even out.

This is the right answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me a lot around that age. I grew taller and was more developed before my friends. I think teaching her to say, "I can't. I'm only 12." or similar is good.

I used to panic, blush, start sweating, and clam up, and I also never told my mom. It's lovely that you have such a relationship that she's coming to you!

PP again.
I meant to add that role playing is a good tool for this type of thing. It feels silly, but I've gotten my kid to do it and it has helped him get past his shyness in some situations when he really needs to use his voice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Um, no thanks, I’m actually 12” should do it. She just needs a standard answer, almost every 16 yo boy will run the other way once they know she’s 12.

This, but follow up that if they persist, she needs a strategy to SHUT. IT. DOWN, not feel pressured to remain in conversation (this is where you need to be firm that no, she should NOT be 'flattered by the attention'). I had to learn this the hard way as a teenager - never felt like I had the words or standing to not give out my name/number, because wasn't it soooo flattering that an older guy was interested in me?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I'd be questioning where is she regularly encountering all of these HS boys?

This is OP, thanks for all of the kind responses.

In the last couple of months she has been approached by high school boys at Starbucks, Chipotle, and while at another 12 year old's birthday party at Top Golf. All of these happened when she was with other 11 and 12 year old 6 grade girls in the middle of the day, so I'm not sure what to question about her behavior. She is not a risk taker and is generally a quiet kid who doesn't seek attention.

OP, it's nothing she's doing or not doing, but in these contexts, she might be catching the eye of teenage boys looking for a girl who seems likely to be impressed by them/able to be manipulated (alone, or with younger girls - no intimidating pack of teenage girls to approach or no other teen boys in the picture). If my interpretation here is correct, even more important that she understands how to fully shut down the overture and get away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you might know the age of your daughter but once they hit puberty it is really hard to tell the difference of a 12 vs 15yr old.

I have 3 girls and I can't tell the ages of many of them.

This is really no big deal. She just says no thanks, I am 12. And moves on

EXACTLY!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I'd be questioning where is she regularly encountering all of these HS boys?

This is OP, thanks for all of the kind responses.

In the last couple of months she has been approached by high school boys at Starbucks, Chipotle, and while at another 12 year old's birthday party at Top Golf. All of these happened when she was with other 11 and 12 year old 6 grade girls in the middle of the day, so I'm not sure what to question about her behavior. She is not a risk taker and is generally a quiet kid who doesn't seek attention.

OP, it's nothing she's doing or not doing, but in these contexts, she might be catching the eye of teenage boys looking for a girl who seems likely to be impressed by them/able to be manipulated (alone, or with younger girls - no intimidating pack of teenage girls to approach or no other teen boys in the picture). If my interpretation here is correct, even more important that she understands how to fully shut down the overture and get away.

Or she's really beautiful.

[Anonymous]

So this happened to me and both my DDs. We are all very tall (over 5'8" at 13) and curvy. My 13 year old is at least a DDD.
I have told my kids for a long time that people are going to assume that you are older and that they will probably get attention from older boys/men. That prepared them so they could come back with "I'm in middle school" response.

I can't blame the guys for the assumption because my kids do look a lot older.

I did have a grown man check my 12 year old at the pool though and there was no excuse for that. Some people are just creeps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the “No thank you, I’m 12 years old” response. That will shut things down with normal people. If they persist after that, tell her to ignore & get away from that person, they do not have good intentions.

This. They think she is older and any decent 16 year old will not want to hang out with a 12 year old girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who had this issue. She master the "are you an idiot???" looks followed by the incredulous, "Ummm...no. I'm 12," followed by an eye roll and flounce off.

As she got older it evolved into an excellent "drop dead, moron" look that usually served as enough of a deterrent.

Seriously, though, I can only imagine how awkward and motifying that is for a tween. Helping her learn to brush them off and walk away knowing it's about them, not her, is the best advice I have. And sometimes the brush off is indeed more effective with some attitude than when done too politely, which teen boys may see as a sign of weakness.

This is so rude though - the high schooler doesn't know she's 12, he thinks she's his age. Teach her to say no and walk away. She doesn't need to be an a-hole about it.

+1. Your family member sounds like a jerk.

+2

Teaching a 12yo to be rude and call names to another kid (and yes, that 16yo boy is still a kid) is shameful.

[Anonymous]

This was me at 12 too. I opted for a "tom boy" look until I felt more comfortable in my own skin, which happened around 14/15.

[Anonymous]

That was me. And it was rarely if ever a well-meaning 16-year-old boy looking to talk to a girl innocently. I wasn't a supermodel. I was just young enough and with big enough boobs to attract a dude with underaged predilections. And we all know the difference between a dude being creepy and a dude striking up an actual conversation.

Once at the mall in 1988, two dudes followed me around and eventually one approached me. I was with my mom the entire time. I was so uncomfortable. After she said that I was 11, the dude who approached me responded along the lines of "Even better then."

Once in the 7th grade, we were doing a combined high school/middle school recycling thing. A forking senior kept touching my breasts every chance he got. Sorting cardboard for recycling and he just kept leaning over and groping me. I was so embarrassed. After my best friend's mom spoke up to the school about it, because she witnessed it, they explained that he thought I was okay with it because I was wearing a turtle neck. That dude knew I was in middle school.

In probably the 9th-ish grade, a group of college guys wouldn't let me alone at a county fair until that same friend's mom stepped in. Again, not a supermodel, just bait for creeps. I was obviously with a group of young girls; there was no excuse that I was somehow their what, babysitter? Come on.

Screw being polite, your daughter can be as direct as she wants to be. It's not 1988 anymore, dudes cannot get away with being creepy, and your daughter cannot control what she looks like. Just say no, and have a plan if the dude doesn't listen. It's hard to say no, so keep practicing it.

And I have a middle-aged son. He saw kinda creepy behavior related to a 5th-grade dance (a boy asking out a girl repeatedly until she said yes), and we talked at length about not being a creep, listening and paying attention to what the other person is saying, and that one no is all you get. You talk to girls like they are also humans, you don't leer, bother them, pick at them until they give in...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who had this issue. She master the "are you an idiot???" looks followed by the incredulous, "Ummm...no. I'm 12," followed by an eye roll and flounce off.

As she got older it evolved into an excellent "drop dead, moron" look that usually served as enough of a deterrent.

Seriously, though, I can only imagine how awkward and motifying that is for a tween. Helping her learn to brush them off and walk away knowing it's about them, not her, is the best advice I have. And sometimes the brush off is indeed more effective with some attitude than when done too politely, which teen boys may see as a sign of weakness.

This is so rude though - the high schooler doesn't know she's 12, he thinks she's his age. Teach her to say no and walk away. She doesn't need to be an a-hole about it.

+1. Your family member sounds like a jerk.

+2

Teaching a 12yo to be rude and call names to another kid (and yes, that 16yo boy is still a kid) is shameful.

Yeah, she wasn't a jerk, and she never called them names. That may have been what the look was intended to communicate, but from a shy 12 year old it doesn't come across that way. Honestly, without a little *mental* attitude on her part, it wasn't effective. Keep in mind that with the dynamics of a shy 12 year old talking to a presumably confident and outgoing (if he's approaching random girls) teen boy, whatever she's thinking is going to be watered down by at least 50% before it comes out. So thinking with some attitude might get you to an actual clear, polite, firm communication.