S/O What makes this fair

[Anonymous]

Sibling 3 is a piece of work. I wouldn’t give them any money.

[Anonymous]

How does sibling 3 know so much about the financial details? Don’t over share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do find it a bit arbitrary to limit it to sixth and up just because the first kid happened to be in sixth when it started. Not unfair technically, since they're not owed anything, but to me if Sibling 1 can afford it, it should be the 10k per child for their 1-12 grade education and that is very generous.

Sibling 1 didn't send their own elementary schoolers (now in college or beyond) to expensive private schools.

[Anonymous]

What you are doing is very generous. Tell sibling 3 to handle it themselves or offer to pay for a summer camp or put a bit into 529s if you want, but what if your financial situation changes? You aren’t a bank. You are helping one kid who needs it because their parents (s) are struggling and don’t want that child to be impacted. Why isn’t any other sibling stepping up other than you?

Things change. What you are doing is generous. My parents both died and I ended up moving in with a single family member (no spouse no kids) who worked a lot but couldn’t really afford certain things so we had a family member who paid for my private tuition (bad public schools). I am so very grateful for it and have paid it back in ways I can now I am an adult. None of my other wealthier aunts or uncles with families would take me in or helped at all!

I remember my entire childhood being very aware of money and didn’t ask to go on field trips or do extras due to costs associated with things. I also worked and very much appreciated attending private school where I thrived. Now I had a couple other more well off relatives who expected the same for their kids. Luckily the person who paid for my tuition told them to get lost. They were able bodied and had excellent jobs and they could sell their big house or not take three vacations to Europe each year with their multiple kids. People got over it.

We all make choices and no one is entitled to anyone else’s money. You decide what you’re comfortable with and communicate it with sibling. You are also allowed to change what you are comfortable with too.

[Anonymous]

Let no good deed go unpunished! If I were the donor and someone didn’t think the $10k was fair I’d just say to me it is perfectly fair and I was withdrawing the offer. If they apologize and would be grateful for the $10k I would only write the check to the private school otherwise they might stiff you and keep the kids in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do find it a bit arbitrary to limit it to sixth and up just because the first kid happened to be in sixth when it started. Not unfair technically, since they're not owed anything, but to me if Sibling 1 can afford it, it should be the 10k per child for their 1-12 grade education and that is very generous.

The whole thing is arbitrary, they’re gifts. You were correct when you said “they’re not owed anything”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of 3 siblings offers to pay private school tuition for a 6th grade nephew due to specific circumstances. Nephew applies to a variety of schools and the cheapest option, after financial aid, is one that would otherwise be one of the most expensive. His parent enroll him and aunt pays the $10K that’s left each year of the $50K tuition.

The third sibling has 3 younger kids. His income is a lot lower than sibling 1, but solidly upper middle class, and much better off than sibling 2. Family has made choices like a large house in an expensive area (with great public schools) that would make it impossible for them to pay 3 tuitions at the kind of school the other cousin attends.

Sibling 1 intends to be “fair”. While they initially made the offer due to specific needs for a specific child, they want to treat all evenly. They offer sibling $10K (will adjust for inflation) per kid per year for middle school and high school. Sibling 3 and spouse don’t feel that’s fair. They feel as though if one cousin gets a $50K education their kids should too. They also feel that limiting it to 6th and up is unfair as well.

What do other people think?

Sibling3 and spouse are nuts. If you want to be generous and provide roughly the same amount of money per niece/nephew for their education, that is incredible. The words they are looking for are thank you, but instead they are asking you to financially account/make up for variables outside of your control. If your conscious leads you to want to continue down this path, put the money in a 529. Sibling3 has some nerve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do find it a bit arbitrary to limit it to sixth and up just because the first kid happened to be in sixth when it started. Not unfair technically, since they're not owed anything, but to me if Sibling 1 can afford it, it should be the 10k per child for their 1-12 grade education and that is very generous.

Sibling 1 didn't send their own elementary schoolers (now in college or beyond) to expensive private schools.

Then why offer to S3?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do find it a bit arbitrary to limit it to sixth and up just because the first kid happened to be in sixth when it started. Not unfair technically, since they're not owed anything, but to me if Sibling 1 can afford it, it should be the 10k per child for their 1-12 grade education and that is very generous.

Sibling 1 didn't send their own elementary schoolers (now in college or beyond) to expensive private schools.

Then why offer to S3?

They didn’t, they offered middle and high school, the same as their kids and S2’s kid got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of 3 siblings offers to pay private school tuition for a 6th grade nephew due to specific circumstances. Nephew applies to a variety of schools and the cheapest option, after financial aid, is one that would otherwise be one of the most expensive. His parent enroll him and aunt pays the $10K that’s left each year of the $50K tuition.

The third sibling has 3 younger kids. His income is a lot lower than sibling 1, but solidly upper middle class, and much better off than sibling 2. Family has made choices like a large house in an expensive area (with great public schools) that would make it impossible for them to pay 3 tuitions at the kind of school the other cousin attends.

Sibling 1 intends to be “fair”. While they initially made the offer due to specific needs for a specific child, they want to treat all evenly. They offer sibling $10K (will adjust for inflation) per kid per year for middle school and high school. Sibling 3 and spouse don’t feel that’s fair. They feel as though if one cousin gets a $50K education their kids should too. They also feel that limiting it to 6th and up is unfair as well.

What do other people think?

Its a parent's responsibility and they should do it within their means, they aren't disabled nor their kids are orphans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If sibling 1 really wants to do something (which they don’t need to) they could put $10k a year in a 529.

This^ and should make sure their retirement is secure and their own children aren't getting the short end of the stick.

[Anonymous]

Private schooling is a want, not a need.

[Anonymous]

So the 6th grade nephew has special needs that necessitate a special school. The other people should thank their lucky stars they're not limited this way and STFU. Nobody is entitled to anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the 6th grade nephew has special needs that necessitate a special school. The other people should thank their lucky stars they're not limited this way and STFU. Nobody is entitled to anything.

No, none of the kids have SN.

[Anonymous]

I truly can't imagine anyone with the gumption of Sibling 3 and spouse. Wow. Life has inherent unfairness if you look for it. We all deal with it, shrug, and live our best lives without expecting a fairy godmother-aunt to wave a magic wand and make the world pseudo-perfect. Entitlement is self-created and does not need to be and should not be honored.

If you do as Sibling 3 wants, you will be helping to expand a sense of entitlement to the next generation, and that is a disservice to all.

I would tell Sibling 3 you have reconsidered, and since they are not actually in need as Sibling 2 is, and they are not appreciative of your generous offer, it is best for all that you withdraw the offer to Sibling 3 entirely. Done.