S/O What makes this fair
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Why would that be more fair? |
Anonymous
So Sibling 3 has the money to pay for privcate school but just wants rich Sibling 1 to give him the money because poor Sibling 2 could not afford it? Oh no way. You didn't include that detail in the first post, OP! Sibling 3 is a terrible moocher. |
Anonymous
S3’s kids attended parochial school before the offer was made, so S1 picked up that bill. But, S3 wants the same kind of school that S2 attends, which they can’t afford without making changes they don’t want to make. |
Anonymous
Oh wow. This makes S3 seem even worse and entitled. So S3 who chose to have 3 children was ok paying $10k per kid, per year for Catholic school for his 3 kids, but now that S2's child attends Sidwell or something for $50k/yr, he thinks that S1 owes him the difference? And S3 lives in a place with good public schools but chose to send kids to Catholic schools at a cost? If I were S1, I would have a really hard time maintaining a relationship with S3 and his family after this. |
Anonymous
|
1) In life fair isn’t always equal. This is a lesson that we teach kids in school: Fairness allows injured and disabled kids to use the elevator. It does not mean that everyone gets an elevator pass regardless of need.
2) A gift is a gift. It is not an obligation or an entitlement. Someone giving a gift can set the terms. You can like or dislike the terms, but no one is entitled to anything from another person. |
Anonymous
What this person means is that sibling1’s gift to the child of sibling2 should not have been made “public” to sibling3. |
Anonymous
Fairness is a somewhat juvenile concept in this situation. But sibling3’s definition of fair - a 50k private school for his 3 kids to match the 50k private school of sibling2’s kid regardless of the financial expenditure by sibling1. Is insanely off base and what I think the pp is saying is that if sibling1 is vexed by this, just put the same amount of money per kid into a 529 (educational savings fund) and let sibling3 be mad, but nieces/nephews have the same financial investment across the board and sibling3’s kids can use their money for college. |
Anonymous
|
OP is this a cultural thing? Are you Indian?
In American culture this is just bizarre. While it would be fine and thoughtful for a wealthy sibling to gift money to a lower income sibling to close the gap between the financial aid award and tuition bill , it would be really strange for another upper middle class sibling to stick their hand out expecting a gift too. This would be viewed in American culture as greedy, gross and really embarrassing, cringe worthy in fact. However, in other cultures, shoving hands out whenever they find out a relative has money to get as much as they can isn’t viewed as negatively. It’s up to you to decide which way to go. As the sibling, you are under zero obligation to give the UMC sibling anything. |
Anonymous
Sibling 1=kids out of college. aunt/uncle willing to pay 10k annually for sibling 2's 1 and only child. Sibling 2= unable to work, 1 child, not great schools. Child accepted to great private. Sibling 3= has home in fine school district and 3 kids. Sibling 1 paid for parochial which is not the same total cost as the Sib 2 child's private. Sibling 1 is not a parent or grandparent so throw out the equity argument. Sounds like Sibling 1 was very successful and needs to extricate himself/herself from the grifters for their own sake and that of their own children and possible future grandchildren. Financial requests might not stop at K-12 tuitiion and could expand to cars, college, down payments. |
Anonymous
Is this for real? I can't wrap my head around it. |
Anonymous
Wow, that seems like such a stereotype! Everyone involved is white, of European descent, and the family has lived here for multiple generations. -- OP |
Anonymous
|
I am curious about these responses, because in this thread (which I didn't start or participate in)
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1175098.page the message was that giving has to be "fair". Which is one reason I came to ask what's fair in our situation, which is similar except K-12 vs. college. The answers seem to be almost exactly the opposite. |
Anonymous
To be clear, Sibling 2's kid didn't apply to private until after Sibling 1 made the offer, and the parochial school, while it costs less than the listed tuition for S2's kid's school, costs slightly more per kid than what S1 is actually paying for S2's kid. I rounded everything to $10K. |
Anonymous
That’s fair. $10k per niece or nephew per year for educational or extracurricular endeavors. That is awesome! And a lot of money they are gifting out a year. Can use it for camps, sports, private school, study abroads or school trips, gear required, etc. Is this an American family and everyone is based in America or is there some cost arbitrage at play? Like how our nanny pays for everyone’s private school in Peru. What would not be fair would be paying for whatever you choose no matter what the cost. Manhattan schools cost $70k, DC ones $40k and Florida ones $25k. Parochial schools cost $10k. Scholarships take time and effort to apply. Splitting the costs and getting some alignment and skin in the game via scholarships (gpa dependent usually, or financial need) or copayments is how we help family members too. |
Anonymous
Curious what Sibling 1 spouse thinks or says in the matter. Are they gifting out the same amount or thing for that sides nieces and nephews? Frankly family 3 sounds like ungrateful pricks. They should go make the best of public school. I don’t know anyone’s sibling flinging out $10,000 per family member per year. Wealthy grandparents yes, and it’s estate planning, but not people in their 40s or 50s even income jobs or in the money RSUs. There’s too much uncertainty and volatility in companies and the market to make those kind of promises unless your liquid net worth is over $20m. I work in institutional investing. Gifting out $10k gross times 5 other peoples kids a year is a lot of money if you’re still relying on income or even investment income. |