Trying to understand my mother

[Anonymous]

Can you invite her over for weekly dinners? We try to do Sat or Sunday suppers with my in laws. They watch the kids solo sometimes but not that often.

Also, how old are your kids? Not everyone loves the youngest years, myself included, and I am a parent of 3. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to like it, either.

[Anonymous]

I just turned sixty and my oldest child is 28. Honestly I feel like I need another ten years to myself before I could muster up a lot of enthusiasm for babysitting etc. I still work full time and I am tired! My youngest only finished college two years ago and I feel like I have been parenting for close to thirty years. I have been to enough violin recitals and soccer games and holiday concerts. I was active in scouts and pta and everything but don’t really have a lot of need to revisit it all again. The most involved grandparents I know in my circle are in their seventies and they had a long break where they didn’t parent or grandparent. I guess I am just not ready. Maybe that would change if it were less hypothetical it if it happened tomorrow I would have to work on not being resentful.

[Anonymous]

I just turned sixty and my oldest child is 28. Honestly I feel like I need another ten years to myself before I could muster up a lot of enthusiasm for babysitting etc. I still work full time and I am tired! My youngest only finished college two years ago and I feel like I have been parenting for close to thirty years. I have been to enough violin recitals and soccer games and holiday concerts. I was active in scouts and pta and everything but don’t really have a lot of need to revisit it all again. The most involved grandparents I know in my circle are in their seventies and they had a long break where they didn’t parent or grandparent. I guess I am just not ready. Maybe that would change if it were less hypothetical it if it happened tomorrow I would have to work on not being resentful.

This. OP, where do you fall in birth order and how many siblings do you have? My oldest is mid 20s and youngest just left for college. I am enjoying my empty nest and would have difficulty working up enthusiasm to be an active grandmother, especially while I am still working.

[Anonymous]

Not every woman is a lovey dovey kid person. Her relationship with them might change as they get older, and it sounds like she is willing to help out when asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m posting here as a 36 year old to better understand my (67 year old) mother.

She is a retired widow and lives within a 10 minute drive. She worked full time until about five years ago. Despite living this close, she seems to have little interest in her grandchildren. She watches them maybe three times a year for about two hours, when we ask. She buys them gifts for birthdays and Christmas. She always remarks that they are well-behaved and easy, so I don’t think it’s them. I always assume people act in accordance to their truest desires, so does she just not really care to be with her grandkids? I’m not a grandparent yet, so I really can’t gauge how it feels.

We have one of those. But she spent a long time telling relatives that she wished she could see them more. Until I disabused the relatives of the true situation. She miraculously stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I just turned sixty and my oldest child is 28. Honestly I feel like I need another ten years to myself before I could muster up a lot of enthusiasm for babysitting etc. I still work full time and I am tired! My youngest only finished college two years ago and I feel like I have been parenting for close to thirty years. I have been to enough violin recitals and soccer games and holiday concerts. I was active in scouts and pta and everything but don’t really have a lot of need to revisit it all again. The most involved grandparents I know in my circle are in their seventies and they had a long break where they didn’t parent or grandparent. I guess I am just not ready. Maybe that would change if it were less hypothetical it if it happened tomorrow I would have to work on not being resentful.

This. OP, where do you fall in birth order and how many siblings do you have? My oldest is mid 20s and youngest just left for college. I am enjoying my empty nest and would have difficulty working up enthusiasm to be an active grandmother, especially while I am still working.

OP here - I’m the youngest, my mother hasn’t parented in 18 years. I could totally understand not wanting to babysit a lot, so we rarely (3x per year) ask. When we invite her over, she is a guest and not very interactive with the kids (they are in elementary). I’m honestly not sure what it is, I just assume she doesn’t care too much about them and seeing them on holidays is sufficient. This thread helps though, since I’m not a grandmother maybe I’ll understand better when I am at that place.

[Anonymous]

Am sorry OP. Maybe trying taking each child and doing something that you think both the kid and your mom would like, like a musical or a sporting event or exhibit---just something that would be generational bridge building.
And---this might be hard to hear---but maybe your kids aren't as well behaved as you think and your mom really doesn't want to manage them individually or as a group.
Do your siblings have kids and if so, how is she with those grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

I just assume she doesn’t care too much about them and seeing them on holidays is sufficient

Don't be this way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am sorry OP. Maybe trying taking each child and doing something that you think both the kid and your mom would like, like a musical or a sporting event or exhibit---just something that would be generational bridge building.
And---this might be hard to hear---but maybe your kids aren't as well behaved as you think and your mom really doesn't want to manage them individually or as a group.
Do your siblings have kids and if so, how is she with those grandchildren?

I posed this question to OP at 08:27. No response. Doubt you will get one either. Therein may lie the problem ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok for OP to be sad that her mom is a disappointing grandma. She wanted more for her kids and she's not going to get it. It's a loss. Mourn it and move on. Find a way to be ok with what your mom is giving and don't expect more.

Take notes and be different for your kids.

No! OP is judging! OP has her own expectations of what she thinks a grandma is supposed to be doing and projecting those expectations onto your mother. That's not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am sorry OP. Maybe trying taking each child and doing something that you think both the kid and your mom would like, like a musical or a sporting event or exhibit---just something that would be generational bridge building.
And---this might be hard to hear---but maybe your kids aren't as well behaved as you think and your mom really doesn't want to manage them individually or as a group.
Do your siblings have kids and if so, how is she with those grandchildren?

I posed this question to OP at 08:27. No response. Doubt you will get one either. Therein may lie the problem ...

I totally understand, but my mother is this way with the other grandchildren as well. And not only does she always comment on how well-behaved they are, she only watches them for two hours 3x per year, and we make sure we have dinner ready for her and they have a movie option just to make it as easy as possible. I get that people might be defensive, but our children don’t seem to be the issue, it’s more that she just doesn’t really seem interested in spending time with them. My MIL is the opposite, always asking to visit, bringing them presents, hugging them, and talking about missing them.

I do really think it is something about boomer grandmothers, and I really want to understand. Like maybe they are just tired of children or maybe they just prefer to be at home and with their friends, and that’s okay. I thought maybe this age cohort might be able to help me anonymously, so that I’m not misreading her.

[Anonymous]

I should add my MIL is from a different country where grandparents are very involved and families live in multiple-generation homes.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you feel that she needs to babysit? If you want her to involve herself more, why don’t you include her in family stuff where you’re present as well? Outings, shows etc? Why do you need her to perform services for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I just assume she doesn’t care too much about them and seeing them on holidays is sufficient

Don't be this way

This might be the very reason she's not interested in providing free babysitting or in hanging out with your kids. Your attitude is showing.

She's her own person, with her own stuff going on. It sounds like she's attentive to your kids at holidays/birthdays and isn't interested in sitting through another round of music recitals and ball games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok for OP to be sad that her mom is a disappointing grandma. She wanted more for her kids and she's not going to get it. It's a loss. Mourn it and move on. Find a way to be ok with what your mom is giving and don't expect more.

Take notes and be different for your kids.

No! OP is judging! OP has her own expectations of what she thinks a grandma is supposed to be doing and projecting those expectations onto your mother. That's not fair.

It is not unfair to have hopes and dreams for the kind of grandparent your kids will experience. It is normal. If her mom isn't meeting those expectations, she needs to accept reality, mourn the loss and move on.