Trying to understand my mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I just assume she doesn’t care too much about them and seeing them on holidays is sufficient

Don't be this way

This might be the very reason she's not interested in providing free babysitting or in hanging out with your kids. Your attitude is showing.

She's her own person, with her own stuff going on. It sounds like she's attentive to your kids at holidays/birthdays and isn't interested in sitting through another round of music recitals and ball games.

It seems I have not highlighted enough that we don’t ask her to babysit save 3x per year(!). We don’t need her childcare and we never have. It is a Freudian tell however, that posters hear “free babysitting” and not connecting with a grandchild in this. That might be the issue.

[Anonymous]

Another question for OP is whether any of her own grandparents generation is still alive and whether her mother has any caretaking responsibilities towards them. People live longer and longer. I am 60 and my mom is in her 90s and I am the sole person responsible for her care. I raised our kids and am in charge of my mom's care. The advanced elderly are as much responsibility as parenting. And finally, not everyone loves little kids. Your mother might be an awesome grandmother when your kids are teens and young adults.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a many, many pages long boomer grandparent thread already. You will fit in perfectly. You should join it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a many, many pages long boomer grandparent thread already. You will fit in perfectly. You should join it!

You must be the PP with the exclamation points. (OP is judging!)

Sounds like this post is triggering you. Perhaps you are a checked out Grandparent.

OP is asking the question: Help me understand my mother. She is sad that her kids aren't getting the grandparent experience she hoped for. And it does feel hurtful when your own mom doesn't seem to be interested in your kids. (I speak from experience.). Probably her mom has her reasons or maybe she is oblivious. Regardless, OP's question is valid, and your response here is rude.

[Anonymous]

This might make me a bad grandma, but I find my grandkids exhausting. And these are lovely, normally behaved kids that I love dearly. Their parents are still in the thick of the rough housing (this is mild, nothing wild) and the sort of constant noise that the parents don't seem to notice. (Neither did I, back then.) I've been out of that state for decades so I find it stressful. Part of it is my hearing in decline, so I can't really understand the tiny voices that well. So it all just sounds loud to me. But I do love them all.

[Anonymous]

This might make me a bad grandma, but I find my grandkids exhausting. And these are lovely, normally behaved kids that I love dearly. Their parents are still in the thick of the rough housing (this is mild, nothing wild) and the sort of constant noise that the parents don't seem to notice. (Neither did I, back then.) I've been out of that state for decades so I find it stressful. Part of it is my hearing in decline, so I can't really understand the tiny voices that well. So it all just sounds loud to me. But I do love them all.

Yep. And OP may also need to realize that her mother is just getting older. I was non-stop movement at age 35-50. After menopause, I just get more tired. I noticed a big drop in energy in my own parents once they hit their 70s. They were still active, but needed more "recharge" time. So there are a LOT of factors at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might make me a bad grandma, but I find my grandkids exhausting. And these are lovely, normally behaved kids that I love dearly. Their parents are still in the thick of the rough housing (this is mild, nothing wild) and the sort of constant noise that the parents don't seem to notice. (Neither did I, back then.) I've been out of that state for decades so I find it stressful. Part of it is my hearing in decline, so I can't really understand the tiny voices that well. So it all just sounds loud to me. But I do love them all.

OP here - thank you for sharing! I do want to understand and this makes sense. I appreciate your honesty.

[Anonymous]

Girl, the answer is the boomers are selfish and possibly have lead poisoning! You don’t need to ask them about this on DCUM as they will never admit it and will latch onto the free childcare thing. I’m sorry we both have disappointing moms. Love, a 39 year old mom of 4 who practically grew up at my grandparents house.

[Anonymous]

It can be any number of things!
- she is lazy
- you give her too many rules and restrictions
- she is weak/sick
-‘she has too many other things to do
- she is selfish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can be any number of things!
- she is lazy
- you give her too many rules and restrictions
- she is weak/sick
-‘she has too many other things to do
- she is selfish

Or, she secretly doesn’t like your kids for any reason! Even as petty as they are the “wrong” race or not good looking enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might make me a bad grandma, but I find my grandkids exhausting. And these are lovely, normally behaved kids that I love dearly. Their parents are still in the thick of the rough housing (this is mild, nothing wild) and the sort of constant noise that the parents don't seem to notice. (Neither did I, back then.) I've been out of that state for decades so I find it stressful. Part of it is my hearing in decline, so I can't really understand the tiny voices that well. So it all just sounds loud to me. But I do love them all.

You may want to try the latest AirPods Pro with speech enhancement function if you don’t want to go the hearing aids route…

[Anonymous]

Do you have the expectation that your dad should babysit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am sorry OP. Maybe trying taking each child and doing something that you think both the kid and your mom would like, like a musical or a sporting event or exhibit---just something that would be generational bridge building.
And---this might be hard to hear---but maybe your kids aren't as well behaved as you think and your mom really doesn't want to manage them individually or as a group.
Do your siblings have kids and if so, how is she with those grandchildren?

I posed this question to OP at 08:27. No response. Doubt you will get one either. Therein may lie the problem ...

I totally understand, but my mother is this way with the other grandchildren as well. And not only does she always comment on how well-behaved they are, she only watches them for two hours 3x per year, and we make sure we have dinner ready for her and they have a movie option just to make it as easy as possible. I get that people might be defensive, but our children don’t seem to be the issue, it’s more that she just doesn’t really seem interested in spending time with them. My MIL is the opposite, always asking to visit, bringing them presents, hugging them, and talking about missing them.

I do really think it is something about boomer grandmothers, and I really want to understand. Like maybe they are just tired of children or maybe they just prefer to be at home and with their friends, and that’s okay. I thought maybe this age cohort might be able to help me anonymously, so that I’m not misreading her.

Okay she is just selfish imho and not much love to give
Just remember it when she needs care and take the easy way out as well

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, that must be disappointing. I'm waiting to become a grandma and excited about it. But, sometimes when I read dcum, I become worried about the many ways I will be judged as a grandma. I may be too strict, too lenient, too bossy, too present, too demanding. I hope my kids and their spouses are understanding and want me involved. It sometimes feels as though most adult children wish their parents/in laws would cease to exist. * I do realize you aren't saying this though.

[Anonymous]

What can I do to do a better job of expressing my love for my Mom? What does she need from me? What would she like?

She parented you a long time Op. Now, tables have turned and you are the most capable adult in the room. Every thought should be more about you caretaking her, than her meeting whatever expectations you have.